Prime Minister John Howard today offered to support US and UK mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners with Aussie troops. Mr Howard ruled out Australian participation in any actual torture, but said their expert knowledge would provide invaluable assistance to other Coalition forces degrading Iraqis.
“While Britain and the US will continue to fulfil the core roles of beating, urinating and the forming of naked human pyramids our special ops will lend valuable support with traditional Australian tactics such as sledging, towel flicking and racial abuse,” the Prime Minister said.
Howard praised the highly specialised training Australian troops received at the Defence Force Academy in the fields of bullying and victimisation. “The initiation rituals at ADFA are some of the most brutal in the world,” he said, “So the boys who were abused in training are champing at the bit to become abusers themselves. If any of those Iraqis are gay, I think they’ll find our boys particularly deft.”
Australian troops are to be joined by several members of the Australian Federal Police, whose job it will be to train Iraqis to humiliate each other. “Our dream is that one day Iraqis will be hooded and attached to electrodes by their own people and it will be other Iraqis posing for cheesy photos while they suffer,” said AFP chief Mick Keelty. “But achieving that level of inhumanity may take years, even generations.”
Opposition Leader Mark Latham has condemned the announcement and demanded that all Australian bullies be returned by Christmas. “This is not our fight,” he said. “We have geeks and misfits of our own to be harrassed back home.”
“I deplore the bashing or intimidating of anybody,” he said. “Unless they overcharge you for their cab fare.”
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