Confessions of a really big deficit spender (humor)

[Vitruvius]

by Catherine Fenton Newsday

As a humble person, I've always felt that if it's good enough for the federal government <Bu$h Administration> it's good enough for this girl. Therefore, I decided my finances should emulate our government's system. That's the day I embraced deficit spending and made it my own.

As it turns out, I'm really good at it. I wasn't surprised. Humble I may be, but I can't help recognizing that I have certain talents. I took to deficit spending with credit cards the way Dr. Phil took to spanking. <SNIP> Soon, I had a closet full of sumptuous leather boots and Kate Spade handbags, with the outfits to match. I also treated myself to a state-of-the-art entertainment system, including a plasma television. I couldn't help but agree with the electronics salesperson when he informed me that I "deserved it."

I was about to get it, too. I was surprised by the first calls from the banks. Thinking they perhaps did not understand the new economy, I helpfully explained it to them. One woman laughed so hard she never did catch her breath.

I hung up on her. After a few months, the laughing stopped. In fact, they were getting downright nasty with me. "I'm projecting myself to be in a credit balance in 8.2 years," I informed them. "In fact," I smugly continued, "I will have my deficit cut in half within 4.1 years." "You have a net worth of close to zero," one bank's representative told me, "and you owe out over $22,000." <SNIP> "Girl, you are in serious trouble, and unless you face up to reality, and start being reasonable, it's going to go badly for you," she had the temerity to say to me.

I scoffed. "Reality? Reason? That's the old way of looking at things," I told her. "It doesn't work that way anymore. When I act, I create my own reality." I had to hang up the phone then because she was laughing again. <SNIP>

More at http://www.newsday.com/news/opinion/ny-vpfen144145006feb14,0,7788348.story

And sooner-or-later, the Asian and European central banks that are financing the Bu$h deficit will also pull the plug...

[CindyDale]

1. Good one, thanks

[Merrick]

2. Similar story - spoof article

Local Family Ramps Up Gratuitous Consumption to Aid Economy

In an effort to pitch in and do their part for the floundering US economy, the Stewart family of 163 Peacock Lane have methodically increased their consumption of goods and resources by a dramatic margin over the past three months. Indeed, by employing such measures as running every major appliance in the house all day long to shamelessly wasting food, the Stewart’s have raised their overall consumption levels by an average of 246% since March.

Larry Stewart, the patriarch of the six-member family, remarked, “Times have been tough in America lately. The economy’s been taking it on the chin, there’s the war on terrorism, and we just wanted to do something to help. I’m too old and my children are too young to go to Iraq, so I figured the next best thing to do would be to help boost the GDP by doing such things as not recycling, leaving all the lights on all the time, and driving the riding the riding lawn mower around in circles for hours.”

Larry was then called out to the garage to help his wife Linda take over five hundred dollars worth of groceries from their new Ford Excursion and throw them into the industrial size garbage dumpster they’d recently purchased.

“It’s a lot of work, but we’re having a lot of fun with it, actually,” commented Linda as she restarted the clothes dryer, sending a faded and deformed stuffed Winnie-the Pooh on its seventeenth consecutive solo high-heat cycle, “For instance, we made a game out of our electricity bill. Each month we mark down how many kilowatt-hours of energy we used up, then the next month we try to use more. Who could’ve dreamt that the opening of a utility bill could be such an exciting family activity?”

The Stewart’s efforts are truly a collaborative effort, with members of the family enthusiastically applying their own individual abilities and innovative potential to enhance their household’s rate of consumption. For example, their oldest son Mark, 16, discovered that they could maximize the energy usage of both their home’s heater and air conditioner while maintaining a comfortable room temperature by running both together in balance at near full blast settings. In addition, Larry put his mechanical know-how to good use by unsealing all of the house’s ducts, removing the energy conservation devices from the hot water heater and washing machine, and stripping all the insulation from the attic.

Even the two younger children, Michael 12, and Monica, 4 have gotten into the act.
“We started to stagger our sleeping schedules in order to keep all the machines running pretty much twenty-four hours a day, and Michael just loves taking his turn playing ‘guard’,” Linda chuckled, “And Monica adores flipping light switches off and on and pressing all the buttons on the blender.”

The Stewart’s crusade hasn’t been without some element of hardship, however. Issues ranging from getting used to sleeping with the lights on to the enormous debt incurred by soaring bill costs have beset the family in recent times, but they haven’t dampened their resolve.

Larry proclaimed, “The good of the many should come before the convenience of the few. And besides, I’m not worried about the debt too much. If such a fiscal policy is good enough for our federal government, it should be good enough for us.”

Linda reinforced her husband’s sentiments: “We’re devoted to the cause, no matter what.”

She then added in a muted tone while rubbing her belly, “In fact, between you and me, Larry and I are trying to get pregnant again… to make another mouth to feed.”

[applegrove]

3. "When I act, I create my own reality." ROTFLMAO

I scoffed. "Reality? Reason? That's the old way of looking at things," I told her. "It doesn't work that way anymore. I had to hang up the phone then because she was laughing again

Oh my god. That is so funny. I hope that becomes a well known quote.