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(A modern parable.)
The other day I happened to look out my front window and I saw my neighbor, Tony, looking at the rain gutter of his house. He went to the garage and got out a step ladder to climb up and take a closer look at a largish brown sac hanging from his eave. I guessed it must be a hornet's nest, and since I'd dealt with them before I decided to wander over and see if he needed any help.
Now, Tony's a Bush voter, as evidenced by the campaign signs in his yard and bumper stickers on his car. I try to stay on good terms with my neighbors so I never said anything about his flaming ignorance, or discussed politics with him at all, just kept things at a friendly, superficial level. But even knowing he was stupid and arrogant I didn't expect his reaction when I criticized his plan.
"What ya doin', Tony?"
"I'm fixin' to get a bat and knock this hornet's nest down."
"Hey, I've had to deal with those things before. That's not a very good idea. Can I help you?"
"Yeah, what did you do?"
"Well, here's what worked for me. Take a garbage bag and spray a bunch of bug spray in it. Then, hold the bag over the nest while you either pull or cut it off at the stem that's holding it to the eave. All you have to do is twist-tie the bag shut and the hornets will die in your trash can."
"You're nuts! First I'll get stung, then I'll have to smell bug spray until trash day! I'll just knock it off with the bat and run like hell!"
"Tony, I've done this before! Really! Try it my way. I promise, you won't get stung."
"Listen, Mr. Know-it-all, maybe I've never done this before but I know what I'm doing. I'm not going to show any mercy to these goddamned hornets. If you won't hold the ladder while I smack it, just go back in your house and you won't get hurt. Pussy."
OK, so for some reason Tony didn't want any advice. I know when to quit, and when to let people learn the hard way, so I mumbled something about "OK, but you're gonna regret doing this...and I'm sure as hell not going to get stung with you," and I went back in my house to watch.
Tony came back out of his house with the bat and climbed the ladder. He leaned back and took a tremendous swing and hit the nest, upsetting the ladder in the process. He hit the ground at the same time as the nest and before he could get up an angry swarm of hornets were covering him, stinging the hell out of him. He ran into his house, screaming and swatting at the cloud of hornets swarming around his head. The door slammed shut behind him.
Just as the door slammed, and to my horror, I saw the neighbor's young daughter come around from her back yard to see what all the commotion was. An angry swarm of hornets was quickly on her. I screamed at my wife to call 911 as I ran out the door to TRY to help that poor girl. She was screaming, too, as I picked her up and ran to my yard. I was being stung everywhere, and she was starting to go a little bit limp as I picked up the hose and began to spray water on her, trying to drive the hornets away. It seemed to be working, they were leaving her and coming after me, so I picked her up and carried her into the house to wait for the ambulance to arrive, brushing hornets off as I went. We covered her with a blanket and tried to soothe her as much as we could, but she was losing consciousness by the time the ambulance crew walked in the door.
I told the ambulance crew what happened. They went to work on her, still talking to me, and they advised me to get to a doctor, too. They offered me a ride, but I still had some things to do and declined. Soon they were carrying her out on a stretcher and cursing the still-stinging hornets who swooped down on them. They left in a hurry with the siren screaming.
I was in intense pain, and feeling a little woozy from all the stings, but I called the little girl's mother and told her what had just happened.
"Oh my GOD! Where did they take her?"
I realized then that everything happened so fast I didn't even know which hospital they took her to. All I could do was tell her to call the ambulance company, they'd know where they went. She thanked me and hung up.
The phone rang. I was feeling sick from all that venom, by now, but I answered it anyway. It was Tony's wife.
"You son of a bitch! Why didn't you hold the ladder for Tony???"
I didn't know what to say. She was FURIOUS, at ME!!! I tried to explain what happened, then quickly I asked her why she wasn't taking Tony to the doctor. She hung up, and I could see them through the front window, leaving to get medical treatment. My wife helped me to the car and we did the same.
The doctor told me that I'd be OK, but probably a little sore for a few days. He added that he'd seen things like this before and I'd better be REAL careful in the future because I might have developed an allergy due to the massive number of stings I'd received. The next sting could kill me. Great! Thanks, Tony!
We went home and I didn't sleep worth a shit, that night. I had to call in sick the next day. I'm glad I don't lose pay when I call in sick, but it still sucks to get behind for no good reason. Even though I still felt like shit, I went to work the day after that, not only in pain but way behind because of the day I'd missed.
I called the mother of the girl who had been stung. She would be fine, but she was still in the hospital. She thanked me for helping, and said something about "that son of a bitch should have known better," before she said good bye and hung up. Another neighbor stopped by a little later. He'd been talking to Tony, and he said he wanted to hear my side of the story because "He said this is all your fault."
"Jesus. All I did was offer a little bit of advice and now it's ALL MY FAULT?"
"That's what Tony says. He says if you would have held the ladder for him, none of this would have happened. He said you think you know everything, but if you'd just helped him do it his way none of this would have happened."
I told him my side of the story, and he agreed that, at the very least, Tony was over-reacting. He laughed, then, and told me that if he ever needed help taking down a hornet's nest he'd call me, not Tony.
Today, at work, I was served with a subpoena. Tony's suing me for damages he incurred because I didn't hold that ladder. Now I'm going to have to explain to a judge what happened.
This has gotten insane. The idiot who whacked the hornet's nest, against my good advice and warning that it was bound to happen, is now claiming it's all my fault he got stung doing it his way.
I think I already mentioned that Tony voted for Bush, so he's probably too stubborn to learn from his mistakes, but did I point out that there was another hornet's nest at the other end of his house? This neighborhood could be in for a very long summer...
7/09/05
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