Apathy keeps me pretty busy By Peter Mehlman

[papau]

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-mehlmanp11jul11,0,3105622.story?track=tottext

Apathy keeps me pretty busy
By Peter Mehlman

July 11, 2005

I have no opinions on anything. Each day I read an array of arch-liberal and staunch conservative editorials. Yet, at the end of each column, I inevitably conclude, "Wow, that's a good point."

For years, I assumed I was not opinionated simply because all the really good opinions were taken. But when I found myself unable to come down either pro or con on the subject of famine, I sought professional help. But the psychologist eventually stopped taking my calls.

I'm at wit's end. This is no time to be an American without a stash of fully loaded opinions. The nation is more divided than ever, with some predicting it may soon be subdivided and turned into town houses. Living in Santa Monica only makes matters worse. The city is a known hotbed of activism, where having no opinions on the great issues of the day is considered idiotic. Hence, the effort to conceal my condition has become a full-time job, although I can often work from home.

For the moment, local citizens suspect something about me is slightly off but are quite tolerant. When they ask my opinion on a topical issue and my vital organs completely shut down, they usually give me the weekend to think about it. They still invite me to politically lively parties so they can use my driveway for parking. During these events, I desperately try to steer cocktail party conversation away from politics and back to cocktails. Failing this, I nod a lot. For this, I am admired in this fashionable seaside community as "a good listener" and "a pill."

On the rare occasions I try to contribute to political debate, the results are disastrous. Last summer, when a neighbor opined that the war in Iraq costs too much money, considering that some people can barely put food on the table, I suggested that perhaps these people simply don't have the proper utensils. Only through deft usage of the words "just kidding" did I avoid becoming a pariah. Months later, when a neighbor said we are destroying our planet, I said we'd have to make do without it. Another close call. <snip>