It Would Be Easier If I Were A Republican

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It Would Be Easier If I Were A Republican
By: Clyde
Published: August 11, 2005

If I were a Republican:

I would not have to worry about George Bush taking a sharp corner and ripping Dick Cheney's arm out of the socket.

It would not bother me that the chief of staff to the Vice President of the United States goes by the name Scooter!

I would find comfort in knowing that the President of the United States actually talks to God instead of being in mortal fear of a guy who converses with the voices in his head while his thumb is poised over the nuclear trigger.

I would be able to believe that George Bush is an articulate world leader instead of a bumbling fool who needs a translator to speak to his own people.

I would believe that Hannity and Colmes is an honest and open debate between a conservative and a liberal instead of the nightly bitch slapping by a sadistic Hitler Youth poster boy on a man with balls the size of Raisinettes.

I would think that Ann Coulter is a vivacious blonde who is only interested in making the country better instead of a hate mongering cross-dressing Skelator with a Granny Smith sized Adam's apple.

I would be able to watch the O'Reilly Factor without the unwanted mental image of Bill sporting wood in the Loofa section of Bed, Bath & Beyond.

I would think of Mary Matalin as an intelligent statuesque middle aged woman instead of an old crone with the face of a golden raisin with a disposition of a ten year long yeast infection.

It would not bother me that Bay Buchanan looks more like a man than her brother Pat.

To me Blanquita Cullum would be a shining example of dignity, grace and beauty instead of another right wing hack with a face that could scare a maggot off a shit truck from a mile away.

I would believe that Rush Limbaugh is an honest and forthright teller of truth who is the victim of a vast left wing conspiracy instead of a lying hypocritical Hillbilly Heroin addict with a cigar the size of a large dog turd stuck between his jowls.

If I were a Republican I would:

Agree to believe that the earth was created a mere four thousand years ago by a superior being who made man in his own image, made woman from a rib and all female plumbing problems are all Eve's fault because she ate a piece of fruit.

Think that creationism must be taught in schools even though every school in the country becomes a veritable house of worship during exam week.

Be secure in my faith as a Christian because of my political affiliation rather than my adherence to the teachings of a long haired liberal hippie in sandals with an inherent fear of nails and crosses.

Be able to justify my support for the Iraq war by fighting the culture war of ideas here at home.

Believe that the Bush tax cuts are beneficial to the economy because I can now afford another six-pack of Milwaukee's Best this year.

Believe that a 6' 3" Arab can sashay his way around a desert with a dialysis machine strapped to his ass and still avoid capture for four years.

The fact of the matter is that to be a Republican means that you do not need to sweat the little things like thinking for yourself. You only need to bend in half, shove your head up your ass and admire the view.

Posted in full with my permission:

http://www.dubyad40.com/html/clyde/clydescorner.html