WICKED Onion: "God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again"

[BQueen]

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40305

"God Outdoes Terrorists Yet Again
September 7, 2005 | Issue 41•36

Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq

BAGHDAD—The 4,000 Louisiana National Guardsmen stationed in Iraq, representing over a third of the state's troops, called home this week to find out what, if any, help they could offer Katrina survivors from overseas. "The soldiers wanted to know if they could call 911 for anyone, or perhaps send some water via FedEx," said Louisiana National Guard spokesman Lt. Col. Pete Schneider. The Guardsmen also "would love to send generators, rations, and Black Hawk helicopters for rescue missions," but, said Schneider, "we desperately need these in Iraq to stay alive." Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld praised the phone support, but noted that it would take months to transfer any equipment from Iraq to New Orleans, saying, "You fight a national disaster with the equipment you have."

Government Relief Workers Mosey In To Help

NEW ORLEANS—Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael Brown, leading a detachment of 7,500 relief workers, moseyed on down to New Orleans Monday afternoon. "Well, I do declare, it's my job to see if any of these poor folks need any old thing," Brown said from his command rocker on the command post porch, adding, "Mighty hot day, ain't it?" Follow-up teams of emergency relief workers are expected to begin ambling into the Gulf Coast region as early as this weekend. "They should be getting the trucks good and warmed up anytime now, and they'll be cruising into town just as soon as all the reservists stroll in," said Brown, who is currently at his desk awaiting offers of food, water, and evacuation buses to roll in from "somewhere or other."

Refugees Moved From Sewage-Contaminated Superdome To Hellhole Of Houston

HOUSTON—Evacuees from the overheated, filth-encrusted wreckage of the New Orleans Superdome were bussed to the humid, 110-degree August heat and polluted air of Houston last week, in a move that many are resisting. "Please, God, not Houston. Anyplace but Houston," said one woman, taking shelter under an overpass. "The food there is awful, and the weather is miserable. And the traffic—it's like some engineer was making a sick joke." Authorities apologized for transporting survivors to a city "barely better in any respect," but said the blistering-hot, oil-soaked Texas city was in fact slightly better, and that casualties due to gunfire would be no worse.

White Foragers Report Threat Of Black Looters

NEW ORLEANS—Throughout the Gulf Coast, Caucasian suburbanites attempting to gather food and drink in the shattered wreckage of shopping districts have reported seeing African­Americans "looting snacks and beer from damaged businesses." "I was in the abandoned Wal-Mart gathering an air mattress so I could float out the potato chips, beef jerky, and Budweiser I'd managed to find," said white survivor Lars Wrightson, who had carefully selected foodstuffs whose salt and alcohol content provide protection against contamination. "Then I look up, and I see a whole family of <African-Americans> going straight for the booze. Hell, you could see they had already looted a fortune in diapers." Radio stations still in operation are advising store owners and white people in the affected areas to locate firearms in sporting-goods stores in order to protect themselves against marauding blacks looting gun shops.

<snip>
p. 2 link http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40305/2

edit for omitted p #

[malaise]

1. ROTFL

"I was in the abandoned Wal-Mart gathering an air mattress so I could float out the potato chips, beef jerky, and Budweiser I'd managed to find," said white survivor Lars Wrightson, who had carefully selected foodstuffs whose salt and alcohol content provide protection against contamination. "Then I look up, and I see a whole family of <African-Americans> going straight for the booze. Hell, you could see they had already looted a fortune in diapers." Radio stations still in operation are advising store owners and white people in the affected areas to locate firearms in sporting-goods stores in order to protect themselves against marauding blacks looting gun shops.
--------------
Too good!!:rofl: :rofl:

[BQueen]

3. I know

I usually post shorter excerpts, but I had to put that paragraph in.

[CAcyclist]

2. Related Story,too

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/29194


Pudding-Factory Disaster Brings Slow, Creamy Death To Town Below

November 3, 1999 | Issue 35•40

CENTRALIA, IL—Sweet, creamy death swept through this small Illinois town Monday, when nine 300,000-gallon storage vats violently burst at the local Snak-Tyme pudding factory, burying hundreds of residents in a rich, smooth tidal wave of horrifying pudding goodness.
>snip<

"I've lost everything," said Anne Dubrow, whose ground-floor apartment was filled to the ceiling with a heapin' helpin' of Snak-Tyme. "My home has been completely destroyed by this tragic, tragic snack treat."

"What can I do now?" Dubrow asked. "Everything I own is Delectably Choco-Licious™."
>snip<

[BQueen]

4. And they address the poor doggies, too

Nation's Dogs Dangerously Underpetted, Say Dogs
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/31534
May 7, 2003 | Issue 39•17


NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, representatives of the Association of American Dogs announced that the nation's canines are dangerously underpetted. "Every night, thousands of U.S. dogs go to bed without so much as a scritch behind the ears," AAD president Banjo said. "If this sort of neglect from our masters continues, it could lead to widespread jumping on the furniture." Upon his owner's arrival in the press-conference room, Banjo abruptly ended his speech, frantically barking, leaping, and rolling over on his back in an effort to communicate his need for a vigorous belly rub.


and Cheney's tragic loss of HMO coverage, here: (OT but funny as hell) http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40308/1

<snip>
Those close to Cheney report that the vice president has long complained about having to see doctors within the HMO network, rather than choosing his own specialist. In 2003, Cheney wrote a letter of complaint when, instead of being admitted to the Bethesda Naval Hospital for treatment of his angina, he was directed to an HMO-approved urgent-care clinic in Clarendon, VA. According to the vice president, he sat in a crowded lobby between a mother with a colicky baby and a drunken Georgetown student with a broken nose for several hours, and both were examined before him.

Last February, Cheney received a bill for $2,000 for a coronary procedure that was only partially covered by his HMO. In a call that was recorded for quality-assurance purposes, Cheney argued for nearly 20 minutes with an associate customer-service representative identified only as "Heather." Cheney grew progressively more belligerent on the phone, until Heather said, "Sir, if you continue to use that type of language, I will have to end this call."

*****
"This is a complete and total outrage," Cheney said. "AmeriHealth cannot possibly expect me to pay that kind of money out of pocket."
<snip>

satire for Crashcart, reality for everyone else.

[kath]

5. Kinda reminds me of the Great MolassesFlood that occurred in the North End

of Boston in 1919.