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Chimp says: We have also witnessed the kind of desperation no citizen of this great and generous nation should ever have to know — fellow Americans calling out for food and water, vulnerable people left at the mercy of criminals who had no mercy, and the bodies of the dead lying uncovered and untended in the street.
We say: No shit.
Chimp says: In the task of recovery and rebuilding, some of the hardest work is still ahead and it will require the creative skill and generosity of a united country.
We say: In other words, we (the feds) will collect the tax, and you (the people) do the work.
Chimp says: Evacuees who have not yet registered should contact FEMA or the Red Cross. We need to know who you are, because many of you will also be eligible for broader assistance in the future.
We say: Who are the many of them who will be eligible for broader assistance? Those who need not quite as much assistance. In the words of MaMa Bush – “these people were underprivileged to begin with …” , i.e. any pittance of help will work just fine for them.
Chimp says: Federal funds will cover the great majority of the costs of repairing public infrastructure in the disaster zone, from roads and bridges to schools and water systems.
We say: What percentage constitutes a “great” majority? 90%? 80%? Maybe 51%?
Chimp says: Our goal is to get the work done quickly. And taxpayers expect this work to be done honestly and wisely, so we will have a team of inspectors general reviewing all expenditures.
We say: Who exactly are these “inspectors general”? Isn’t that a rather generic label?
Chimp says: Clearly, communities will need to move decisively to change zoning laws and building codes, in order to avoid a repeat of what we have seen.
We say: Typically, changing zoning laws is the work of a zoning commission, generally populated by developers and people who sleep with them.
Chimp says: As all of us saw on television, there is also some deep, persistent poverty in this region as well. And that poverty has roots in a history of racial discrimination, which cut off generations from the opportunity of America. We have a duty to confront this poverty with bold action. So let us restore all that we have cherished from yesterday, and let us rise above the legacy of inequality.
We say: Nice platitudes, no plan.
Chimp says: To help lower-income citizens in the hurricane region build new and better lives, I also propose that Congress pass an Urban Homesteading Act. Under this approach, we will identify property in the region owned by the federal government, and provide building sites to low-income citizens free of charge, through a lottery. In return, they would pledge to build on the lot, with either a mortgage or help from a charitable organization like Habitat for Humanity. Homeownership is one of the great strengths of any community, and it must be a central part of our vision for the revival of this region.
We say: They couldn’t get out because they couldn’t afford a car, or if they had one, didn’t have the funds to stay at a hotel once they got out, but by golly, the feds will let them get a mortgage!
Chimp says: City and parish officials in New Orleans and state officials in Louisiana will have a large part in the engineering decisions to come, and the Army Corps of Engineers will work at their side to make the flood protection system stronger than it has ever been.
We say: Yes, the Army Corps of Engineers, whose funding you just cut again to pay for this “stronger than ever protection system”.
Chimp says: In a time of terror threats and weapons of mass destruction, the danger to our citizens reaches much wider than a fault line or a flood plain. I consider detailed emergency planning to be a national security priority. Therefore, I have ordered the Department of Homeland Security to undertake an immediate review, in cooperation with local counterparts, of emergency plans in every major city in America.
We say: Let’s see. We’re going to have the Department that fucked this whole thing up in the first place do a review to make sure all’s well. Brilliant.
Chimp says: It was not a normal hurricane and the normal disaster relief system was not equal to it.
We say: No, it wasn’t a normal hurricane, and the Feds had plenty of warning. “Normal” disaster relief system? We’ve spent the last four years “making America safer at home” by developing this level of “normal” disaster relief?
Chimp says: Four years after the frightening experience of September 11th, Americans have every right to expect a more effective response in a time of emergency. When the federal government fails to meet such an obligation, I, as President, am responsible for the problem, and for the solution. So I have ordered every Cabinet secretary to participate in a comprehensive review of the government response to the hurricane.
We say: Oh, I feel so much better. The same unqualified lackeys that ran the response are going to review it. Once again, brilliant!
Chimp says: The United States Congress also has an important oversight function to perform. Congress is preparing an investigation, and I will work with members of both parties to make sure this effort is thorough.
We say: And we can’t have an independent commission, because, why?
Chimp says: Thank you, and may God bless America.
We say: God save us from men like you!
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