The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 237

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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 237

Edited on Tue Mar-21-06 05:22 PM by top10

The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 237

March 20, 2006
Brand New Edition

It's all change for the Top 10 Conservative Idiots this week - we've got a new design, we've moved into our brand new DU Journal, and the Top 10 is now cross-posted to the message board to allow comments. (For more information on how you can get your own DU Journal, click here.)

But our friendly neighborhood conservative idiots show no signs of changing any time soon, so let's get on with it. Last week Katherine Harris (1) announced that she's still running for Senate, Michael Leavitt (2) prepared us all for the bird flu, and George W. Bush (3) was officially declared incompetent. Elsewhere, Judd Gregg (4) was feeling mathematically challenged, The Pentagon (5) got its propaganda on, Donald Lee Fox (7) taught us all about morals and values, and Mike Pence (10) took us back to 1994. Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key!

Katherine Harris

IT'S ON! Last week, Rep. Katherine Harris (R-Election Thief) announced to a boner-popping Sean Hannity that she would not be abandoning her doomed Senate race, and made a shocking prediction - "I'm going to win." Harris made the announcement on "Hannity & Colmes," pausing for dramatic effect as she stared deep into the camera in a manner which I presume was supposed to be alluring but was actually more reminiscent of Goldfinger saying, "No Mr. Bond... I expect you to die." See for yourself - Crooks & Liars has the video.

Recent polls show Democrat Bill Nelson with a 2-1 advantage over Harris among independent voters, and up until last week Nelson's campaign war chest of $10 million dwarfed Harris's $2.5 million. But Harris has a secret weapon - a multi-million dollar inheritance from her father who passed away two months ago. As she told Sean Hannity, "I'm going to put everything on the line. Everything. Not just my future, and my reputation, my father's name, I'm going to take his legacy, that he gave to me, everything that I have, and I'm going to put it in this race." Wow. That's a big bet to lay on a campaign which is already circling the toilet bowl.

Harris continued: "I'm going to commit my legacy from my father, ten million dollars ... this is everything I have, and this levels, temporarily, the playing field."

Indeed - and Nelson had better watch out. Here's how Katherine Harris ran for Congress:

Just think how many more crusty old Uncle Sam impersonators she could buy with $10 million.

Michael Leavitt

The bird flu is coming - but don't worry, because the Bush administration is primed and ready to pounce on this potentially dangerous disease. Yes, the gang that bought you Freedom And Democracy In Iraq and We Are Fully Prepared To Help The Victims Of Hurricane Katrina is lining up its latest success - but this time they need your help. Remember when John Ashcroft said that everyone should prepare for a terrorist attack by rushing out to get duct tape and plastic sheeting? If you thought that was government at its finest, you'll love this.

Last week Health and Human Services Secretary Michael Leavitt announced that Americans should prepare for bird flu by stashing canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds. "When you go to the store and buy three cans of tuna fish," said Secretary Leavitt, "buy a fourth and put it under the bed. When you go to the store to buy some milk, pick up a box of powdered milk. Put it under the bed." Sounds good, but what are folks like Bill O'Reilly going to do? You think he's got the time or inclination to move all those boxes of porn?

George W. Bush

How low can he go? Our Great Leader's poll numbers are in the tank, with most of the major polling companies reporting his lowest recorded approval ratings last week. Now, we all know that George says that he doesn't pay any attention to the polls. But we also know what a thin-skinned little fellow he is, so maybe he will pay attention to the Pew Research Center's poll which asked people to think of one word to describe the president. Here are the results for March 2006, compared to the same poll taken in February and July 2005:

Ouch - "honesty" used to be on top of the list, but that word has taken a significant dive, and the top slot is now filled with "incompetent." You'll also notice that "ass" and "jerk" have crept in there. That's bad news for Bush.

Even worse news for Bush is that using the above poll results, I was able to scientifically extrapolate projected results for the same poll if it is taken again in October this year.

Judd Gregg

Think back to all the rosy predictions that Bush administration officials made about Iraq in 2002, and these days one sticks out - Bush's former White House Economic Adviser Lawrence Lindsay was fired in 2002 after estimating the final cost of the Iraq War at $100-200 billion. At the time, stunned administration officials declared that there was no way the war would cost that much, and that the final figure would be closer to $50-60 billion. But even before the war began, some economists were predicting that it could cost as much as $2 trillion.

And guess what? The Bush administration was wrong, and the economists were right. America is currently spending $200 million a day in Iraq, according to the Congressional Budget Office, which is apparently the same as the gross domestic product of Nigeria.

So why did they get it so wrong? If you guess, "because they're idiots," you're right. Not only did the Bush administration obviously want to underplay the projected costs of the war, but it turns out that some Republicans can't even get their heads around the numbers involved. Last week, while discussing the fact that the federal government's debt limit is now nearly $9 trillion, Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH) said, "It's hard to understand what a trillion is. I don't know what it is."

Which might not be that big a deal, if it weren't for the fact that Judd Gregg is chairman of the Senate Budget Committee. Glory be.

The Pentagon

Last week marked the third anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, and to celebrate their "mission accomplished," the Pentagon launched the largest air assault in Iraq since 2003. Operation Swarmer was billed as an anti-insurgency operation aimed at flushing Iraqi rebels from an area of farmland near Samarra, and featured more than 50 helicopters delivering 1500 Iraqi and U.S. soldiers to the battlefield. Cable news anchors, who have been starved for any good rah-rah footage since most of their embedded reporters hot-footed it from an increasingly dangerous Iraq a couple of years ago, predictably had multiple orgasms. Seriously, I swear there were a couple of moments when Wolf Blitzer almost slipped in all the man-juice sloshing around on the Situation Room floor.

Of course, there was just one problem - Operation Swarmer turned out to be much ado about nothing. While it provided some very pretty masturbation fodder for Chris Matthews and Co., the Pentagon later admitted that there were no airstrikes, no leading insurgents were captured, no shots were fired, and all the units involved met no resistance. Which was good news for the troops on the ground, but not so hot for Donald Rumsfeld's propaganda machine. It turns out that the Pentagon was expecting to capture insurgent leader Hamad el Taki, who was unfortunately nowhere to be found.

Still, for a few hours on that glorious afternoon last week we were all reminded of how great it was back in 2003 when the war was young and beautiful, the Iraqis were preparing to greet us with flowers, Saddam's weapons of mass destruction were still waiting to be found, and no dissent was allowed. How inconvenient for the Pentagon that reality got in the way of their delicious fantasy.

George W. Bush

George W. Bush marked the third anniversary of the Iraq War by proclaiming in his weekly radio address that we would "finish the mission" with "complete victory." Good to hear. So how does Our Great Leader's proclamation of "complete victory" stack up against his previous statements on the Iraq War?

Third Anniversary of Iraq Invasion, March 2006

"In recent weeks, Americans have seen horrific images from Iraq: the bombing of a great house of worship in Samarra, sectarian reprisals between Sunnis and Shias, and car bombings and kidnappings. ... The security of our country is directly linked to the liberty of the Iraqi people, and we will settle for nothing less than complete victory. Victory will come when the terrorists and Saddamists can no longer threaten Iraq's democracy, when the Iraqi security forces can provide for the safety of their own citizens, and when Iraq is not a safe haven for the terrorists to plot new attacks against our nation." - George W. Bush radio address

Second Anniversary of Iraq Invasion, March 2005

"Iraq's progress toward political freedom has opened a new phase of our work there. We are focusing our efforts on training the Iraqi security forces. As they become more self-reliant and take on greater security responsibilities, America and its coalition partners will increasingly assume a supporting role. ... The victory of freedom in Iraq is strengthening a new ally in the war on terror, and inspiring democratic reformers from Beirut to Tehran." George W. Bush radio address

First Anniversary of Iraq Invasion, March 2004

"The liberation of Iraq was good for the Iraqi people, good for America, and good for the world. The fall of the Iraqi dictator has removed a source of violence, aggression, and instability from the Middle East. ... The Iraqi people are now receiving aid, instead of suffering under sanctions. And men and women across the Middle East, looking to Iraq, are getting a glimpse of what life in a free country can be like." - George W. Bush radio address

Two Months After Iraq Invasion, May 2003

You know, I have the strangest feeling that this is all happening backwards.

Donald Lee Fox

Back in February the Danville School Board (Pennsylvania) came under fire for debating whether or not to allow students to participate in the Day of Silence - "a student-led day of action where those who support making anti-LGBT bias unacceptable in schools take a day-long vow of silence to recognize and protest the discrimination and harassment - in effect, the silencing - experienced by LGBT students and their allies," according to their website.

It's no surprise that those who would wish gays back into the closet are outraged about the Day of Silence, which is set to take place on April 26. At a recent school board debate, staunch conservative Donald Lee Fox carried a Bible to the podium, quoted Bible verse, and labeled homosexuality "an abomination."

Unfortunately for Mr. Fox, he must have missed the part about "judge not lest ye be judged yourself." See, it turns out that Donald Lee Fox is a convicted sex offender who was convicted of aggravated indecent assault on a 15-year-old girl in 1995, and served three to ten months in prison. According to the Associated Press, "Fox, who is required to register as a Megan's Law offender for life, was charged last year with violating the law by not informing the state he had moved. He pleaded no contest and was fined $300 and put on probation for a year."

Sounds like a real expert on "family values," right?

Vernon Robinson

George W. Bush promised to be a uniter and not a divider, yet America's mood has soured considerably since he came to power. But don't worry - this year the Republican party is running a bevy of level-headed compassionate conservatives who will be taking on the issues with cool heads and bringing an adult outlook to the nation's problems. For example, here's the rational, thoughtful response that Vernon Robinson, Republican candidate for Congress in North Carolina's 13th District, gave to Planned Parenthood when they asked if he wanted their endorsement:

Nancy Schaefer

Staying on the subject of abortion, State Sen. Nancy Schaefer of Georgia recently let slip the real reason why conservatives are opposed to the practice. At a local community meeting, she told members of the public that there are so many illegal immigrants in America because 50 million abortions have been performed in this country. Huh?

Follow her logic: she continued, saying that all those abortions have caused a shortage of cheap labor. "We could have used those people," she said. Get it? Abortions = shortage of cheap American labor = increase in illegal immigration.

So there you have it. The real reason why Republicans want to ban abortion is that there just aren't enough poor people in America to do the jobs that foreigners are willing to do for fifty cents an hour; overturning Roe vs. Wade would mean a dramatic increase in cheap labor for the rich to exploit. Thanks for explaining that to us Nancy.

Mike Pence

And finally, if you liked the Contract With America, then you're going to love Rep. Mike Pence's brand new Renewed Contract With America (PDF). Here are a few excerpts from the introduction:

In 1994, Republicans across the country embraced a legislative platform of freedom and opportunity, of getting spending under control, reducing the tax burden, and shrinking the size of the federal government. The principles of this "revolutionary" path were laid down in the Contract with America, a "detailed agenda for national renewal" designed to "restore the bonds of trust between the people and their elected representatives." The nation responded to the Contract's vision by transforming the political landscape in the House of Representatives and Washington. ...

Unfortunately, we are once again at a historic crossroads in the nation's future. Despite initial successes, Republicans today are confronted with familiar challenges: expanding government, a worsening fiscal position, and an explosive growth in spending and earmarks. ...

This is not the legacy the Members of the Republican Study Committee wish to leave, a massive government and a crushing burden on future generations. In crafting this year's budget, we have sought to update the budget passed by the first House Republican majority in a generation.

So let me get this straight... in 1994 Americans elected a Republican-majority Congress who then enacted their Contract With America designed for the purposes of "getting spending under control, reducing the tax burden, and shrinking the size of the federal government." Congress has had a Republican majority for most of the past twelve years, and now we have "expanding government, a worsening fiscal position, an explosive growth in spending and earmarks ... a massive government and a crushing burden on future generations." And Mike Pence wants us to renew the Contract With America?

Looks like Pence has given up drinking the Kool-Aid and started injecting it directly into his bloodstream. See you next week!

-- EarlG

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Editor's note: it was brought to my attention by several readers that I made a glaring error in last week's Top 10. I wrote that Bill Frist would be an excellent Republican candidate for the presidency in 2008 because "It's not often that you get the chance to run against an ethicist who is under investigation for insider trading, a moralist who refused to criticize the vice president for telling a Senator to 'go fuck yourself,' a doctor who doesn't know if you can get HIV from sweat and who can diagnose a persistent vegetative state by watching a videotape, a philanthropist whose AIDS charity gave half a million dollars to his own political consultants, and a compassionate conservative who, while larking around in the tsunami-hit region of Sri Lanka, told a photographer to 'get some devastation in the back.'" I neglected to mention that Bill Frist is also a well-known cat killer. My apologies for the omission.