Coffee, tea or liquid explosive? (Garrison Keillor)

[struggle4progress]

By GARRISON KEILLOR
Tribune Media Services

And now you can't bring your cup of coffee on board the airplane. It's the latest new rule laid down by the nation's security wizards. Everyone knows it's ridiculous -- the notion that you can toss together a few liquids and make an explosive is a fiction from late-night movies. You might as well prohibit bald men on the grounds that the evil Lex Luthor was bald and so was Blofeld, the head of SPECTRE.

But we ditch our venti latte in the trash barrel (goodbye, four bucks) and board the flight, and there we read in the paper that aggressive CIA questioning of an al Qaeda bigwig -- stripping him, turning the air conditioner to 40 degrees, blasting him with Red Hot Chili Peppers music -- broke him so he ratted on Jose Padilla, a terrorist who set out to make a dirty bomb and who believed that by swinging a bucket of uranium in a circle over his head he could separate plutonium.

The way to stop terrorists on planes is to encourage passengers to bring loaded firearms aboard: guys in orange vests sitting in exit rows with deer rifles on their laps, ladies with Mr. Colt in their purses, kids with peashooters. Somebody wake up the NRA. Does the Second Amendment say, "The right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed except on commercial airliners"? Where is the right wing when you really need it?

This way, if some guy in a burnoose sets up a chemistry lab in Row 24 and mixes hydrogen peroxide, sulfuric acid and acetone in a big beaker that is packed in 15 pounds of dry ice to keep it cool, and cooks up some triacetone triperoxide, or TATP, the passengers will be able, in the several hours it will take him to make the deadly explosive, to bring him under control, assuming the fumes haven't knocked him out. And they could nab the mastermind, too, the monocled guy in first class petting the white cat ...

http://www.dfw.com/mld/dfw/news/opinion/15516395.htm

[Demeter]

1. Hysteria Is Our Greatest Product Under BushLaw

Here in BushWorld, we don't actually produce anything. We waste resources with abandon, steal the widow's mite and spend it on crack, weapons, or other addictions, and foment panic on a weekly basis.

But clean water, safe workplaces, fresh air and healthy wilderness, these things are beyond our means. We just don't get off on doing good things like loving one's neighbor and being good stewards of the earth. We don't educate our children to think thoughtfully and critically, to analyse and synthesize and create; we fill their minds with junk ideas as we destroy their health with junk food or adulterated, poisonous produce.

Is it any wonder that we are the wonder of the world? And what the world is wondering is just how long people are going to put up with this madness.

[ovidsen]

2. Homeland Security is NOT funny. But THIS is funny!! Tnx. n/t

[texpatriot2004]

3. Garrison K. is brilliant nm

[Gregorian]

4. He's a national treasure.

I just love him more and more.

[texpatriot2004]

5. I agree 100% nm

[Loge23]

6. So true...

Although I've never had the pleasure, I would think it's easier to get into a penitentiary (as a visitor) than it is to board a plane.
Why do we put up with all of this nonsense anyway?

[Berry Cool]

7. This reminds me of Archie Bunker on "All in the Family"

saying that if America really wanted to prevent hijackings of planes, all the passengers would be handed pistols as they boarded. That way, no one would be tempted to even try to hijack the plane, because he'd know he'd be outnumbered by all the passengers who would waste him in a second.

At the time, this made Archie sound like a conservative gun-fanatical nut. Today, it almost sounds reasonable.

Of course, I doubt it would be too effective in practice. Imagine all the shootouts that would occur because someone spoke too loudly on their cell phone, leaned their seat back into someone else's lap, couldn't control their crying baby...