The Top 10 Conservative Idiots, No. 293June 4, 2007
Fred Up EditionThis week Fred Thompson (1) thinks he might make a good president, John Boehner (2) needs a slogan, and The RNC (3) is getting desperate. Elsewhere, Steve Wymer (6) drops a clanger, John Harwood (7) pimps for Rudy, and Ted Stevens (9) gets into trouble. Enjoy, and don't forget the
key!
Fred Thompson Last week yet another crusty old white guy started ogling the Republican presidential nomination - "Law & Order" actor Fred Thompson
announced that he's forming an exploratory committee. Thompson is a big hit among conservatives and the punditocracy, mainly because like most Republican heroes, he's really good at pretending to be something he's not. Just what we'll need after eight long years of our current phony president.
Essentially Thompson's appeal is based on three main factors, so let's go through them one by one. (Glenn Greenwald wrote a
superb analysis of the media's love affair with Thompson last week, which you should check out if you want a source for some of the information below.)
1. He's a tough guyAt least, he plays one on TV. In real life, Thompson did what a lot of Republican politicians and pundits did really well in the 1960s - supported the Vietnam War while somehow managing to avoid going there. To be fair, he did make up for it by playing a Lt. Colonel in an episode of
China Beach in 1989.
Meanwhile, Thompson recently decided to demonstrate the size of his sack by chickening out of a debate on healthcare with Michael Moore, opting instead to make a short YouTube video in which he told Moore to check into a mental hospital. What courage! What bravery!
2. He's a cultural conservativeThompson is a staunch defender of "traditional marriage" and goes out of his way to thump his chest in its defense. This, however, does not explain why he left his first wife after 25 years and married a woman who is four years younger than his daughter. Here's a picture:
Wait, that's the wrong picture... ah, here we go:
3. He's the ultimate Washington outsiderYeah right - and I'm the ultimate Washington insider. From Glenn Greenwald:
He's been a government lawyer, an actor and a Senator. Though Thompson does not mention it, he also has been - for two decades - what a 1996 profile in The Washington Monthly described as "a high-paid Washington lobbyist for both foreign and domestic interests." This folksy, down-home, regular guy has spent his entire adult life as a lawyer and lobbyist in Washington, except when he was an actor in Hollywood.
Now, you might be wondering how a man who was a lobbyist in Washington for twenty years could be described as a Washington outsider, but of course this comes from the same punditocracy that thinks Connecticut-born, Harvard-educated, Kennebunkport-vacationing George W. Bush is actually a cowboy from west Texas.
Still not convinced that Fred Thompson is a consummate Washington insider? Then try this: he serves on the Advisory Board of the Lewis Libby Defense Fund and defended his convicted pal Scooter as recently as
last week.
So much for "law and order."
John Boehner What with Iraq going tits-up, the continued flounderings of the most useless president ever, and a slate of 2008 candidates you wouldn't trust to run a Wendy's, the Republican party is suffering. (All together now:
awwwwwww.)
So what better pick-me-up than a brand spanking new slogan? Last week, House Minority Leader John Boehner "convened a group of allies and confidantes to work on GOP 'branding,' an exercise designed to restore an identity to a party that many voters no longer see as holding a core set of principles,"
according to the
Washington Post.
"We're trying to look into our conscience and define ourselves, and as we define ourselves, decide how we can best communicate that to the rest of the world," said Rep. John Carter (Tex.), the Republican conference secretary and one of the effort's participants. "In other words, what are Republicans?"
Er, perhaps it's best if I don't answer that.
But I think I can help out with this "branding" lark. Here are a few suggestions for a new GOP slogan...
The RNC I hate to break it to the House Minority Leader, but I think the Republican party might need more than a new slogan. Last week the
Washington Times reported that "The Republican National Committee, hit by a grass-roots donors' rebellion over President Bush's immigration policy, has fired all 65 of its telephone solicitors."
Apparently fired staffers are reporting that "many former donors flatly refuse to give more money to the national party if Mr. Bush and the Senate Republicans insist on supporting what these angry contributors call 'amnesty' for illegal aliens." And now the RNC is estimating a 40% drop-off in small-donor contributions.
I don't know what all the fuss is about. If their small-donor contributions have dropped off by 40% means that they'll be bringing in $6 instead of $10 this year. Big deal. Who needs small donors when you've got Halliburton, Exxon-Mobil, and Wal-Mart, right?
Mind you,
this could be more of a problem - Rasmussen reported last week that:
The number of people identifying themselves as Republicans has fallen to a new low. A Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey of 15,000 adults in April found that just 31.0% now say they belong to the Grand Old Party. That's down from 31.5% the month before and reflects a drop of more than six percentage points from the peak of 37.3% during Election 2004.
Bummer!
James Holsinger Last week George W. Bush
nominated James Holsinger to be his new Surgeon General. Unfortunately it turns out that Holsinger's
previous job was to discriminate against homosexuals.
In his role on the nine-member (United Methodist) Judicial Council, Holsinger has opposed a decision to allow a practicing lesbian to be an associate pastor, and he supported a pastor who would not permit an openly gay man to join the church. In both instances, Holsinger's supporters say, he was correctly interpreting and applying church policy.
Not that he was very good at his job, apparently:
The church's bishops voted later to allow the gay man to become a member.
But it's okay - see, the man who could be the next Surgeon General of the United States is apparently such a great doctor that he even has the power to
cure gays.
Holsinger and his wife, Barbara, were members of Lexington's First United Methodist Church, which asked them to set out and start a new congregation.
They founded Hope Springs Community Church in a warehouse at 1109 Versailles Road. Calhoun called it a socially diverse congregation with a "very vital recovery ministry." It serves the homeless and those with addictions to drugs, alcohol and sex; and it has a Spanish-language Hispanic congregation with its own pastor.
"It's built around compassion for people who struggle with a lot of issues," he said.
Hope Springs also ministers to people who no longer wish to be gay or lesbian, Calhoun said.
No doubt it won't be long before we see this new warning label springing up all across the country:
George W. Bush Last week, Our Great Leader made the
following statements about the ongoing occupation of Iraq. See if you can spot the deliberate mistakes...
COMMANDER GUY: Last November, the American people said they were frustrated and wanted a change in our strategy in Iraq. I listened. Today, General David Petraeus is carrying out a strategy that is dramatically different from our previous course.
Nice try! Dubya's Manly Surge involved sending thousands of extra troops to Iraq, which is not exactly what the American people had in mind when they voted for a change of strategy. According to
Editor & Publisher, "election exit poll surveys by The Associated Press and television networks found 55 percent saying the U.S. should withdraw some or all of its troops from Iraq."
COMMANDER GUY: A lot of Americans want to know, you know, when? When are you going to win?
No, dickhead. A lot of Americans want to know, "When you are you going to leave?" According to
Editor & Publisher, "In one (poll) released Friday by CBS and the New York Times, 63 percent supported a troop withdrawal timetable of sometime next year. Another earlier this month from USA Today and Gallup found 59 percent backing a withdrawal deadline that the U.S. should stick to no matter what's happening in Iraq."
COMMANDER GUY: I recognize there are a handful there, or some, who just say, "Get out, you know, it's just not worth it. Let's just leave." I strongly disagree with that attitude. Most Americans do as well.
This utter departure from reality is quite baffling, isn't it? Unless you work at the White House - again, according to
Editor & Publisher, "Bush aides say poll questions are asked so many ways, and often so imprecisely, that it is impossible to conclude that most Americans really want to get out."
Of course it is! Presumably it's also impossible to conclude that based on his long-term 30% approval ratings, most Americans think George W. Bush is a complete waste of space. Heck, they probably love the guy. Who can say?
Steve Wymer Steve Wymer is a staffer in the office of Sen. Wayne Allard (R-CO) - but he might not be for much longer if he keeps making mistakes like this.
According to Colorado Confidential, Sen. Allard is calling for a "national day of recognition for police, firefighters, and rescue personnel," so last week Steve Wymer helpfully sent out a press release entitled "Allard Honors First Responders." Here it is:
Looks pretty normal at first glance, right? But in case you can't read the small type, Wymer's third paragraph says:
"First responders in Colorado have recently provided critical services in the face of blizzards and tornados," added Allard. "Since I don't think first responders have really done anything significant in comparison to their counterparts who have dealt with real natural disasters, I have no idea what else to say here..."
Oops. Just 19 minutes later, he sent out a retraction which said, "Please pardon my typo in the first version of this release. I sincerely apologize for the error." The corrected paragraph read:
"First responders in Colorado have recently provided critical services in the face of blizzards and tornados," added Allard. "This resolution celebrates them and all first responders serving our nation."
Hmm. Heck of a typo, Wymer.
John Harwood Rudy Giuliani never served in the military, but that doesn't matter to
Wall Street Journal national political editor John Harwood. On a recent episode of Countdown With Keith Olbermann, Harwood helpfully invented some
brand new military experience for Giuliani:
HARWOOD: Well look, Keith, I think those answers by both McCain and Giuliani help both men perhaps in the primary and in the general election for different reasons. McCain's core message is toughness, and that I'm tough enough that I can go against my party on this issue. Why? Because I've been in combat. I've been tortured myself, as you mentioned.
Rudy Giuliani also has a bit of a claim to combat in a different way, because he was on the ground in 9/11.
Yes folks, Rudy Giuliani's experience running around New York City (because his stupidly-positioned command center had just been crushed underneath World Trade Center Building 7) means that he can now claim combat experience. Hey, I have a friend who was working three blocks from the World Trade Center on 9/11 - can he put "combat experience" on his resume too? Just wondering.
Honestly, is there
anything 9/11 can't do for Rudy Giuliani? It's made him a fortune through speaking engagements and his security firm Giuliani Partners, it's made him "America's Mayor," and now it's given him combat experience without him ever having to serve in the military. Not bad for a guy who, without the tragedy of 9/11 to
exploit, would just be a washed-up, unpopular, former mayor of New York City.
So thanks, John Harwood, for keeping the dream alive.
The Bush Administration Just when you thought you'd seen it all...
The Bush administration said Tuesday it will fight to keep meatpackers from testing all their animals for mad cow disease.
Yes, you
read that correctly. Now, why on earth would the Bush administration want to do that? Simple!
The Agriculture Department tests less than 1 percent of slaughtered cows for the disease, which can be fatal to humans who eat tainted beef. But Kansas-based Creekstone Farms Premium Beef wants to test all of its cows.
Larger meat companies feared that move because, if Creekstone tested its meat and advertised it as safe, they might have to perform the expensive test, too.
The Agriculture Department regulates the test and argued that widespread testing could lead to a false positive that would harm the meat industry.
Makes perfect sense, doesn't it? We can't test all the cattle for mad cow disease because if a cow happens to test positive and then it turns out to be a false alarm, the meat industry would be damaged.
And what if a cow happens to test positive and it's
not a false alarm? Well if we test less than 1% of the cattle that'll hardly be a problem, will it. Duh!
Ted Stevens Last week the Associated Press
reported that "Federal agents are looking into Sen. Ted Stevens' role in the ongoing investigation into the remodeling of his Alaska home, according to two law enforcement officials familiar with the probe."
Stevens (R-Naturally) had remodeling work done in 2000 which doubled the size of his house, and at least one of the three contracters who worked there has testified before a federal grand jury about the project as part of an ongoing bribery and corruption case involving an oil-field service company and several Alaska state legislators - one of whom happens to be Stevens' son.
But let's not jump to conclusions. The senator was probably just trying to get Internet access and needed all that extra space for the tubes.
George W. Bush And finally, an
interesting report from the
Dallas Morning News brings word that Our Great Leader is still firmly in charge:
The White House sees terrorists as born, not created by history, bearing the mark of Cain, not the mark of circumstance. There is a scarlet "T" written on their foreheads at birth and the only answer is to destroy them. This kind of thinking, of course, relieves the thinker of any responsibility for the presence of the insurgent-terrorist-whatever in our innocent midst.
What's more, there is not much real give in the administration's policies. True, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and other American diplomats met Memorial Day weekend with the Iranians in Baghdad (a good first move but limited, since the Iranians have most of the power because of our incredible stupidity in Iraq). But by all reports, President Bush is more convinced than ever of his righteousness.
Friends of his from Texas were shocked recently to find him nearly wild-eyed, thumping himself on the chest three times while he repeated "I am the president!"
Yes, it's another classic for the old Dictionary of Quotations...
See you next week!
-- EarlG