Labor Secretary Has Her Hours Cut

[The Sushi Bandit]

Warning" this article is rated "PP" for "Political Parody"

WASHINGTON, DC—Deeming the move "regrettable but necessary," White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card announced Monday that Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao's work hours will be scaled back to 30 per week starting Jan. 26.

"It's merely a cost-cutting measure and says absolutely nothing about Elaine, who's done wonderful work for the Bush Administration since she came on board in 2001," Card said. "Once the economy turns around, the first thing we'll do is return Elaine to her original hours. That's a promise."

Chao's hours will be limited to six per day during a regular Monday-to-Friday workweek, her salary will be cut by 25 percent, and she'll lose the privileges of working flextime hours and earning time-and-a-half pay on weekends and holidays. In addition, Chao's relegation to part-time status means she'll no longer be eligible for health-insurance coverage, matching 401K contributions, or parking validation.

Chao expressed dismay over the decision during a cigarette break in the parking lot of the Labor Department's Frances Perkins Building.
"I sorta knew what was up when President Bush called me into the Oval Office, and Chief Brownnose was standing there beside him with this bogus sad look on his face," said Chao, referring to Card by the derogatory nickname reportedly used by the members of the White House staff. "The president said he was real sorry, but he either had to cut my hours or let me go. What could I do? I need the job."

"Tables and graphs mapping the worsening situation of the average American worker crossed my desk all the time, but I never thought any of that stuff would affect me," Chao said. "I don't see Snow fearing for his job. Then again, he's in charge of the money. The bigwigs see 'labor' in my job title, and they think, 'Hey, we can push her around.'"

Continued Chao: "If I were Tommy Thompson, I'd start looking through the classifieds."

Thanks and a tip o' the hat to the Onion!
http://www.theonion.com