"Hillary to Bill: Put a cork in it, sweetie" (by Carl Hiaasen)

[hiaasenrocks]

Confidential note from H. Clinton to B. Clinton regarding future campaign activities:

Dear Bill,

First, I want to thank you for all the hard work on my behalf in South Carolina. Even though we got our butts kicked in a state we should have won by at least 15 points, I know you meant well.

Unfortunately, our pollsters say that my presidential campaign has a growing problem, and that the problem is you. No offense, darling, but you're starting to creep people out.

...

While I anticipate that Team Hillary eventually will be victorious, the road to the nomination will be long and challenging. For that reason, my advisors believe it's in the best interest of my campaign for you take a slightly less visible -- though no less active -- role as we head into Super Tuesday and beyond.

Here are some of the events and media appearances for which I've taken the liberty of signing you up:

• The Bi-Annual Armadillo Roundup/Cookout in Gantry Creek, Texas.

Here's a golden opportunity to make deep political inroads in George Bush's own backyard. You will give a 13-minute speech about the importance of armadillos to the economy and culture of the southwest United States. You will then eat a bowl of armadillo chowder and pose for photos with the Armadillo Queen. You will not ask for her phone number.

• The 27th Annual Dwarf Cactus Growers Festival in Chia Falls, Arizona.

This is the perfect venue for discussing the plight of the American farmer, since the recession has hit the dwarf cactus sector especially hard. You will give another crisp 13-minute speech, pause to admire some potted specimens and then pose for photos with the Dwarf Cactus Princess. You will not give her your private e-mail address.

http://www.miamiherald.com/news/columnists/carl_hiaasen/story/402793.html