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My Last Day of Work
By David Glenn Cox
How could this happen to me? My sector, my department, had always been the best in our employee evaluations. In every category we scored in the highest possible percentile; efficiency, timeliness, loyalty, patriotism, and yes, even in dogma, we were number one. So how could this happen? It must be a mistake, that’s it! A mistake, I’ll send them an Email, requesting an evaluation of pending efficiency and productivity improvement.
I had done that once before, several years ago, when they reduced my department from ten employees down to five. My evaluation request had gone to the highest levels of management; I had been commended for its thoroughness and for my loyalty to my fellow workers. I was awarded the Dedicated-Employee-of-the-Year Award for my commitment to the company’s integrity. In the end my recommendations, after having been thoroughly evaluated by all three executive committees, productivity, efficiency and cost-benefit analysis, had decided that the earlier assessment had, in fact, been incorrect and they reduced my department down to just three required employees.
Maybe they just don’t understand what we do here. A huge corporation like this, that creates thousands of products every day, can sometimes lose sight of the obvious. The thousands of shipments, incoming and outgoing, still need supervision. While you can automate the trucks, and the forklifts, the shipping and receiving and even the manufacturing of the products themselves, someone has to oversee all those computers and robots to make sure all that happens correctly. That someone is me! Whether they know it or not, I’m indispensable. I was the man whose streamlining-efficiency report enabled this company to eliminate 118 full-time positions!
I was the one who showed them that by using outside maintenance contractors they could save time, and the stockholders, money! Why, that program alone justifies my continued employment! I was the one who recommended the cost savings by purchasing sub-assemblies from the third world. Do you know how much money that saved this company? A lot! Believe you me! I remember watching the third shift clocking out for the last time and thinking to myself, “I did that, the stockholders of this corporation owe me big time!”
By using full automation, and on-demand inventory, by the use of contracted only-as-needed maintenance and the outsourcing of sub-assemblies along with the elimination of waste, we had reduced the number of employees from over five hundred to ten. Nine, once I’m gone. The plant manager, his secretary, the assistant plant manager, his secretary, two in accounting, two tax attorneys and one public information officer.
I bet they’ll be sorry! I’m the one who made things run around here! The plant manager just sits on his ass all day long, passing his work off to the assistant plant manager. The assistant plant manager only has the time to do his boss's work because of me! I was the one who programmed away all the drudge work that he once had to do, and how am I repaid for it? By getting laid off! That’s how! But no! They didn’t call it that; they called it improving profitability by reducing outgoing expenditures for non-fixed, non-capital assets. Twenty-three syllables to say, you’re fired! How’s that for efficiency?
Well, I’m not gone that easy; I have friends around here. I’ll go over their heads to the big boys upstairs. I sat down at my terminal and began:
To: Biological Assets Resources board.
Evaluation committee for benefits and compensation.
Subject: Reevaluation request, re: memo # 010-651456, improving profitability by reducing outgoing expenditures for non-fixed non-capital assets.
Dear Sirs?
You big, fat-assed, sonofa bitches! No, I’ll be a little more tactful than that.
Dear Sirs,
I have been employed by this corporation for over eighteen years, and in that time, thanks to the tireless efforts of myself and many others, we have overseen the quadrupling of this corporation's assets worldwide. Through the efforts of people like myself we have assisted and made possible the expansion of net, after-tax profits from billions to trillions of dollars. These efforts assure the stockholders of this corporation a quality, monetary return on their investment. I, myself, have spearheaded programs to improve efficiency that have benefited the company by the elimination of hundreds of full-time positions.
My plan to purchase sub-assemblies from the third world accounted for 118 full-time positions being eliminated at this plant alone! It is my understanding that this plan was also implemented at the full spectrum of corporate manufacturing facilities worldwide, resulting in the streamlining of thousands of full-time positions and associated revenue enhancement. I have been named employee of the year for the last four years running, so many times, in fact, that my employee number has achieved some notoriety and fame! I tell you this so that you will understand that this is not just some disgruntled employee, but employee 0118-46!
I would like to humbly request that a reevaluation hearing be held by which I may request that the memo # 010-651456, improving profitability by reducing out going expenditures for non-fixed non-capital assets, be fully rescinded and that I might state my case for continued full-time employment.
Yours truly,
0118-46
There! That’ll light a fire under someone's ass! Once it comes to light what’s going on and who it is that they’re trying to eliminate, heads will roll! I might not be in the upper echelons of management but I’m like the sergeants in the Army; I’m the guy who gets things done! Within minutes, I had my answer.
From: Biological Assets Resources board.
Evaluation committee for benefits and compensation.
To: Employee 0118-46
Subject: Reevaluation request, re: memo # 010-651456, improving profitability by reducing out going expenditures for non-fixed non-capital assets.
Dear Employee 0118-46,
We thank you for contacting us, as your input is very important to us. We believe that the key to successful employee relations is to keep the lines of communication open. Your comments and suggestions, after having been given a thorough consideration, have been returned to you without decision.
It is important in our corporate family to make sure that all opinions are fairly considered before requesting any reevaluations of any properly numbered corporate memos. Before we may commence a committee study into the possible need to revise a properly numbered corporate memo, it must be approved by your immediate supervisor. He or she will then issue an acknowledgment of receipt number to be affixed to any and all future correspondence regarding this matter.
By following all of the approved procedures in communications, we can speed the process of giving your comments and or suggestions the full consideration that we believe they deserve.
Thank you for taking an interest in our company!
Biological Assets Resources board, employee # 0477-12
A twelve! I send them a goddamn request and they assign a twelve to answer me! A fucking twelve! I wouldn’t let a twelve wipe my ass! The son of a bitches! They know good and goddamned well that the memo was approved by my immediate supervisor before it was sent to me! So how the hell can I send a request for a reevaluation to the man who approved it in the first place!
“Ah, excuse me sir, but could I get you to sign off on this request to question your judgment?”
Only a fool would do that, and while he has the brains for it, his sense of survival would preclude it. I would have to take another course, but what? My area was in computer efficiency and production; any other communication would be rebuffed, just like the other.
I wrote a memo to plant manager:
Dear 0011-50,
I need to talk with you about my pending termination; it is imperative that we rectify any possible software issues prior to my departure.
Yours truly,
118
My answer came back: “Sure, come on up to my office. Signed, 11."
My heart rose, at least he was interested in hearing me out and that was a good sign. Maybe we could reach some accommodation. After all, I had known him since his first day on the job; it was my suggestions that had helped to make him look good. So good, in fact, that when his uncle on the corporate board suggested his promotion to plant manager, it sailed through, despite his only having two years of experience.
As I walked the catwalks over the production floor, I saw it all with new eyes. Where once there had been the hustle and bustle of human activity, the floor was now full of efficiently-functioning robots, turning out product in unprecedented numbers and at a ridiculously low cost. Just for fun, I once did a study, to see if it was true that it was actually less efficient to shut the line down than to let it keep running and throw the product away. It wasn’t, but it was close, what with rebooting the robots individually and reloading raw materials into the hoppers; only the labor of cleaning the jammed machines tipped the balance.
I clung to this little exercise as my possible salvation as I knocked on the plant manager's door.
“Come in.”
“Sir.”
“Ah, 118, come on in. What seems to be the problem?”
“They’ve terminated me, 11! This can’t be right, can it?”
“Oh, yes,” he answered nonchalantly. “That is correct,” he said, leaning back in the chair.
“But why?” I exclaimed. “After all I’ve done and all I do, this is my reward? To be fired!”
“18, please calm down, you are looking at this all wrong. You’re looking at this as a punishment, but it’s not, it’s the culmination of one of man's oldest dreams. The dream of being free from labor and toil, ever since the invention of the wheel it has been man's goal to free himself from labor.”
“But, 11, I need this job to feed myself and to keep a roof over my head!”
“You understand, of course, 18, that the corporation is a legal person, given the same rights as a biological person. You eat cows and pigs and chickens and you don’t give a thought to their families, now do you? Of course not, you eat them, you chew them up, you savor their flavor, and if it is found wanting, you spit it out. You might be asked, 'what did you do that for?' But the answer, 'because I wanted to,' would be quite sufficient, wouldn’t it?”
“So, I’m to be spit out, am I!”
“No, the company has made full use of your talents, they have paid you for your efforts and now your talents are no longer needed.”
“Sounds like spit out to me, 11!”
“Look, 18, I know that you're upset; try not to think of this as a punishment, but as a reward. Besides, you did this to yourself! You worked so successfully to automate all the operations of the company that you made yourself unnecessary. A programming company in India has developed a software program that does all of your job functions. For the price of one year's salary it will do your job forever, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. It will never take a vacation or want a day off; it will never cut into profits by going to the doctor and it will never get old.”
“I see then, I’m not to be spit out but shit out!”
“Why must you take this so personally, 18? By the corporation eliminating you, it is saying to you, job well done!”
“Maybe you wouldn’t think like that, 11, if it was you that was being rewarded with unemployment.”
“But I am, 18, we all are: you, the secretaries, the tax attorneys, the assistant plant manager, and the accountants. I will work here until the end of next year when I become eligible for my retirement. Then, just like you, I’m free! Do you just like working, 18? Retirement isn’t for you?”
“What retirement, sir? I’ve only got eighteen years; I need twenty to retire!”
“Gee, that’s tough, 18, but I’m sure you’ll find something else.”
“How is it, sir, that you will be eligible next year?”
“That’s in my contract, five years for pension eligibility.”
“That doesn’t seem very fair to me. Does it seem fair to you, sir? I work for twenty years and you work five?”
“18, what do you think the corporation is, a social program? A charitable organization?
“But, sir, I’ve worked my ass off for this company! You shake hands in photo ops and attend trade shows and you are protected while I’m shown the door! Well, fuck you, sir!”
“Do you play chess, 18? All of the pieces have their roles; they can’t be changed just as the rules can’t be changed. The ultimate goal of the game is to protect the king; even the queen will be sacrificed, if need be. So, is it so hard to understand why you must be sacrificed?”
“What about all this crap? All this 'corporate family' crap! All this 'team effort' crap! We’re no more a team than the cowboys and the cows are a team!”
Nodding patiently he answered, “Exactly.”
“You admit it! You bastard!”
“I’ve nothing to hide from you now, 18; you’ve been walked up the ramp to the slaughterhouse door. There’s no further need of the Judas goat. Look, I’ll tell you what I’m going to do, you go get us a couple of cups of coffee and I’ll get on this computer and make a recommendation at the highest level that another position be found for you. I can’t promise anything; it might even be in contracted maintenance. You're familiar with that, aren’t you?” he said as he laughed, so amused by his own humor.
“18, get the coffee, huh! And I’ll get started here.”
I walked out of his office, blind with rage but at the same time analytically cold and calm. I knew what I needed to do and it didn’t involve cream and sugar. I returned silently, while he typed at the monitor; he must have heard me, he had to have heard me, but he forgot a cardinal rule. Even the most passive animal will turn when cornered. Rather than delivering coffee with cream and sugar, instead I delivered iron, cold, and with righteousness in the form of a forty-pound lining bar across the top of his head.
His head went squash and he never made another sound. I placed the bar at an angle under the chair and kicked it with my foot, sending it rolling on its casters across the carpeted floor. It spun once as it trailed blood, and the former 0011-50 as he fell on the floor. The thought of murder never occurred to me. Instead, I shouted, 5900! 5900! 5900! Which was the product code for defective goods or materials damaged during production. I wasn’t a murderer; I was a quality inspector removing a defective good!
I stood at his terminal and thought for a moment, then began:
Emergency Corporate Memo
To: All Departments
Subject: Quality assurance
It has come to the attention of the quality assurance team that there are defective components that are functioning in the management levels of 50 and higher. These components are functioning at sub-par levels which, in turn, is affecting product quality. It is of critical importance for quality assurance that these defective components be rectified immediately!
The corrective action is as follows: Using a forty-pound lining bar (part number # 6-50-0550) in a quick, vertical-swing action, strike the defective unit in its speech and thought center until it stops making noise. Repeat as necessary. Mark the failed component 5900 for defective component or 5910 for materials damaged during production. Return via normal channels to defective goods center. Be sure that all necessary paper work is included and complete! Any failure to do so will slow your credit due and be charged back against your plant profitability!
Quality Assurance Team 00118-75
I was captured two days later, at home. The police made a big to-do over it, but I didn’t put up a fight or anything. It's just that they have these swat teams and armored vehicles, and well, they need to use them from time to time, or people might question why they spent the money in the first place. I could understand that; it was obvious enough, big macho policemen need big macho guns and vehicles. And if the big macho policemen think they need big macho guns and armored vehicles, why then the general public would have to be mighty brave or just downright foolish to deny them to them. They wouldn’t lie, would they?
I was charged with the first-degree murder of employee # 0011-50, but strangely I was not charged with any of the other sixteen murders associated with my memo worldwide. Maybe it was because I was found not guilty by reason of insanity, maybe the company just hated to lose that many truly loyal employees at one whack. Excuse my pun, even though it was quite intentional.
The world is a strange place; on the day that I found my sanity, I was declared insane. For the years as I functioned quite insanely, I was praised for my sanity. On the day I found my freedom, I was imprisoned for life. As long as I functioned passively, being stepped on at their leisure and cast out when it suited them, they claimed to owe me nothing! Yet, when I made free and voluntary adjustments to their corporate management team, they have sworn a vow to hold onto me until the day I die, to feed me and shelter me. Damn, this is a funny place! Or is it me?
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