Possible signs of life detected at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue!

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Possible signs of life detected at both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue!

20February2009
News You Can Count On News Service

Dr. Johnsa Iler today shocked the nation by announcing that he believes he has detected signs of life in the Obama administration and in Democrats in congress. Dr. Iler is a specialist in political endocrinology with the Political End Of Life Institute in Port Townsend, WA.

Dr. Iler was awakened in the early morning hours to receive reports of sounds coming from Obama press secretary Robert Gibbs. Unbelieving observers at the scene reported it “sounded like words of scorn and humorous derision of Rick Santelli,” the CNBC reporter who recently kicked the comatose Obama administration in it's housing plan.

Dr Iler advised caution to his staff and recommended that there be further assessment before making the findings public. He indicated that in the past there have been too many instances of false hope, and he sensed that the public did not have the resilience to withstand many more.

Shocking news came the same day, however, from additional sources, that other patients were exhibiting signs of life, as well. “It was like an epidemic,” reported Political End Of Life observer, Sweeney Michael. “We received credible observations of sounds emanating from Speaker Pelosi! These sounds were reported to be words: The American people deserve answers. Where we are now, in terms of prosecution of White House staff, is that we have charged them with contempt of Congress. We’re talking about Harriet Miers, Josh Bolten and Karl Rove. Now, we will have to confirm this, but if indeed sounds resembling the word 'prosecution' were heard, there is finally some infinitesimal glimmer of hope for the near deceased. This is absolutely the best news we could expect in these very early stages and totally unexpected.”

The most surprising sign, though, came from observers of Majority Leader Reid. “When we first received these reports, well, we were absolutely stunned,” reports Dr. Iler. “When I heard of sounds resembling ' We have to take a whack at it,' and 'climate change' I just lost it. If my wife and colleague Katiesa hadn't been present to confirm what I had heard, I still wouldn't believe it. Even before the onset of political adrenal collapse, he had demonstrated signs and symptoms of total political gonadotrophin failure. It was so pronounced I felt it was probably genetic. We found no credible evidence that political gonadotrophins had ever present.”

“I am truly astonished. I've never seen anything like this in all my years in practice.” Dr. Iler recalled that the patients began demonstrating signs of political adrenal insufficiency in the 1990's. “Progression was surprisingly rapid, leading to framing weakness and diminished political reflexes. As you might imagine, this is a fatal illness.” He indicated that in the case of the congressional Democrats, the complication of gonadotrophin insufficiency made treatment particularly difficult. “Now I'm normally an optimistic person, but when we realized the scope of the problem we were observing, we were not only pessimistic, but we were pessimistically pessimistic about the outcome. We have seen a progression of signs and symptoms which moved relentlessly from confusion to lethargy to obtundation, then stupor and finally coma. Just a few days ago a clinical review confirmed that all patients tested at level 2 on the Glasgow Coma Scale, except for Majority Leader Reid who was assessed as level 1. We thought of adding a new level of ½, just for him. But what's the point, really.”

Dr. Iler was asked about a prognosis. “Well! It is far too early to say anything about that. I have never seen any type of recovery in a patient that is so far gone. I thought for sure they were on a journey through the long dark tunnel. Perhaps they still are. But just maybe, if they are seeing a light up ahead it is not the end of the journey, but a new beginning. Prognosis? Lets just say I'm no longer pessimistically pessimistic. Perhaps I'm just pessimistic. I seriously doubt I'm to the pessimistically optimistic stage, just yet. The patients are still on total life support, after all.

After the Dr. Iler's press conference, the stock market slumped badly. It appears, however, most of the decline was in pharmaceuticals. Analysts are suggesting that the inventory of Prozac and similar drugs will skyrocket, as consumers cut back on their use, based on the pessimistically hopeful news. They speculate, however, there will be an industry-wide response of lay-offs, wage reductions and reduced medical benefits leading to a new round of illness, foreclosures and bankruptcies, and this should provide relief to the sector.

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