We're Not Sure Why, But England Wants Us Back

[babylonsister]

http://www.commondreams.org/further/2009/02/28

We're Not Sure Why, But England Wants Us Back

by Abby Zimet


Her timing seems a bit off, but in a widely circulated message Queen Elizabeth II has apparently revoked American independence "in light of your...failure to financially manage yourselves" and our tacky habit in recent years of "electing incompetent Presidents" that proves Americans "not...able to govern yourselves." Her Majesty will resume monarchical duties over the entire country, "except Kansas, which she does not fancy."

According to the edict, our new Prime Minister Gordon Brown will appoint a governor for America, and Congress will be disbanded; next year, a questionnaire will be circulated "to determine whether any of you noticed." To aid in the transition, a number of new rules are forthwith posted.

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

more...

http://www.commondreams.org/further/2009/02/28

[Fire1]

1. No thanks.

[LongTomH]

2. No. 9 got me!

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

:spray:

Now I gotta clean my monitor!

[a la izquierda]

3. Question: Do we get health insurance?

[Demeter]

4. Not That Old Chestnut Again!

Believe me, we are the LAST thing Queen Elizabeth wants.

[babylonsister]

6. Sorry, but I don't recall ever seeing this and it's dated today. And it's

a joke, though everyone seems to have lost their sense of humor.

[DavidDvorkin]

5. I wonder how old this spoof is?

It shows up regularly.

[Peace Patriot]

7. It's not that old. It was written by John Cleese (Monty Python) early in the Bush

Junta.

[Peace Patriot]

8. Whoa, both this OP and Common Dreams says "by Abby Zimet."

I believe that's wrong. I will do some checking.

[babylonsister]

9. I just repeated what was at Commondreams. nt

[Peace Patriot]

12. Oh, I think it's very funny, and I don't blame you at all for posting it--thanks!

I do think, though, that Abby Zimet should have provided a note or at least a hint that she is embellishing an existing internet spoof. (She does change the title--and hers is not as good as the original--but she should have said something about where she got the idea. And some of her points seem copy and pasted from one I read years ago.)

It was funniest when Bush was first elected. It got less funny when he invaded Iraq. I don't think we've lost our sense of humor at all. Our innocence maybe.

[Peace Patriot]

10. My, my, what a spider's web authorship of this piece is...

Here's a site that discusses its provenance...

http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/government/a/revocation_a.htm

Its original title--and the one I first read (which this site dates to year 2000) is:

Notice of Revocation of Independence

Here's the original version:
http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blrevocation1.htm

The first link has the entire provenance, and says:

As is typical of folk humor, there are numerous versions of the text in circulation comprising the work of more than one anonymous author (not to mention at least two anonymous responses on behalf of America). Although it is rare for such texts to be traceable to a single point of origin, we are blessed to have a fairly precise outline of the genesis of this one thanks to Sarah Hartwell, an amateur folklorist from Chelmsford, England.

This is going to be fun. I'm going to read all the versions and Sarah Hartwell's discussion.

[Peace Patriot]

11. Notice of Revocation of Independence-original

Full text of the original (Nov 2000) version.

Notice of Revocation of Independence

London, 8th November 2000.
To the citizens of the United States of America,

Following your failure to elect either a half decent candidate or man-monkey as President of the USA to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume a monarch's duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with1 the following acts:

1. Look up "revoke" in a dictionary
2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God save the Queen"
3. Start referring to "soccer" as football
4. Declare war on Quebec

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation and...have a nice day!

-----------------

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blrevocation1.htm

Oh, it does sound like John Cleese, doesn't it! The more blathery versions, less so. But I think the one that I originally read was a bit longer, and it was circulated as "by John Cleese." Perhaps Cleese cribbed it from this original, embellished it and moved it along.

It's a bit iffy to me for this Abby Zimet to claim authorship. There were many versions before hers. But since no one has claimed authorship or tried to establish their rightful authorship (I haven't read the provenance site yet), and since there are so many versions, I guess it's okay. I think she should have included some note about what she's riffing on. I know I've seen the "ou" part before. In fact, I'm sure it was in the version that I thought was John Cleese's.

[Peace Patriot]

13. This is fun--the story of this internet spoof...

Notice of Revocation of Independence (cont.)
History of an Internet satire

From Sarah Hartwell, for About.com

Origin

The Notice of Revocation of Independence was originally posted 8th November, 2000 by Alan Baxter (Rochester, U.K.) on an internal newsgroup of a company which spans the U.K., U.S. and Australia. I work for the same company and use the same newsgroups so I got to see the early versions of the Revocation and find out about its history. After a few more additions, extending a four-point item to a 10-point and then a 13-point item, Peter Rieden (Farnborough, U.K.) mailed the Revocation to the external newsgroup sci.military.naval on 15th November to entertain American subscribers during off-topic discussion of election issues. Peter's line of work is in seaborne defense systems.

Peter expected to be flamed or email-bombed for his contribution, but the following day, the Revocation was sent out as a joke-of-the-day and appeared in email inboxes and newsgroups worldwide. Upon a few more refining comments (added by other individuals) it became the article which was emailed around the world.

Authorship

Peter Rieden doesn't claim authorship of the various versions currently in circulation although he has been identified as a co-author of the original version. He claims that the version he mailed to sci.military.naval had 10 items in the "list of things you must do" and had been forwarded to him from a friend at Warton, U.K. (Warton is another company site, so the Revocation was already doing the rounds within the company). Peter subsequently posted his own revised version (to which he had added three more items in the list) elsewhere on worldwide Usenet and this second version began doing the rounds as well. As far as Peter can remember, the originator of the idea (but not the actual text) was the BBC Radio Four "Today" program (06:30 to 09:00 morning news program).

On Thursday 16th it appeared on the BBC News Website. On Sunday 19th November, the Revocation of Independence was mentioned on the 09:00 U.K. ITV News. On 20th November I received the Notice of Annexation of the UK by email. It seems to originate from within the same company, but was not authored by Baxter and Rieden. On Tuesday 21st , the email version of Revocation was read out in full on BBC Radio Merseyside and appeared on the front page of the prestigious U.K. newspaper, The Times, in the article "Who Wants to Be a President?" which read: "The latest bumper sticker reads 'Screw this I'm moving to Canada' and an internet proclamation suggests that as America's 224-year experiment with independence seems to be in chaos, it may be time for Her Majesty to take over again."

(MORE)

http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/government/a/revocation_b.htm

[Peace Patriot]

14. John Cleese has disavowed authorship. Well, that's that. It was authored by

hundreds of people, the first being by Alan Baxter (Rochester, U.K.) on 8th November, 2000--and was inspired by the long messy business in Florida, tragically concluded by Supreme Court fiat, crowning Bush--and not Elizabeth--as our monarch.

-----------

Notoriety

On 20th November one of the credited authors, Peter Rieden, wrote to the company newsgroup where the Revocation first appeared that the Revocation of Independence had proven to be something of an embarrassment. He had received some 200 emails from overseas subscribers (including Americans) to the jokes mailing list, all along the lines of "ROFLMAO." There had not been a single negative response. By this time, recipients were adding their own personal thoughts to the Notice of Revocation, leading to multiple versions in circulation. The Revocation had become email lore and references (citations) and excerpts were appearing in online and hard-copy publications. It was also being discussed on Usenet, a Yahoo site and About.com's Urban Legends forum. Most versions have 10 or 12 points, though these vary between versions. The most common variant has 15 points and is a compilation of five or six different versions. In December 2004 the 15-point text resurfaced, this time attributed to former Monty Python member John Cleese. Clearly, however, he was not its author, and has said so on his website.

A spur-of-the-moment internal newsgroup posting inspired by an off-the-cuff comment by a Radio Four presenter has sparked one of the best political parodies on the Internet in recent times.

http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/government/a/revocation_b.htm

[Diclotican]

15. babylonsister

babylonsister

Could not be that bad, to be subject of her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the second again I guess.. After all, the whole thing starter more or less under Queen Elizabeth the first...

And maybe, after say 100 year or so, the colonies on the other side of the Atlantic can have a new try of it to be independed I mean.. This time with a decent Parlament, and some other minor diference from what you have had to this day.. Maybe even a prime miniser in sharge, where the President are just head of state and have no further power than say the Queen of England have today?.. And where for the most part the Prime Minister are subject to who ever are in sarge in the Parlament.. And if the Parlament, and the head of state are rewoking their suport the prime minister must go...

Maybe you might even learn to make decent beer again.. What american is calling a beer, is just.... Not tastefull at all. Have tasted watert that is better....

And nr 6, roundabouts.. That is a subject I would guess most americans would find dificult to master:evilgrin: The US can put a man on the moon, the the roundbouts is for dificult for most of you all to get a decent grip on.. Have some american friends who are driving here in Norway.. And have to point every time they are driving where to drive in the dam thing.. They do it, but with a confuced look on their face...

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse

Nr 4 alone would give reason to rewoke your independence from UK alone.. Maybe after 100 year with some british overlooking the american colonies again can be independend, with doubt.. This use of guns to resolve issues is just plain stupid if you ask me.. You just make another problem then..

Diclotican

[Bluenorthwest]

17. Roundabout facts

My city and many other US cities have lots of them. One is less than two blocks from me. On the flip side, the man who invented the traffic roundabout died in an accident in a roundabout, so they say.
Also, my city and region produces lovely micro brewed beers, for those who like such things, and also award winning wines. How's that Norwegian Chardonay these days?
Your provencialism is stunning. I first vistied your nation when I was 12. I could spend all day making cracks. All nations are worthy of derision in so many ways.
Criminals use guns 'to resolve issues'. To claim Americans do that who are not criminals is simply trash talk based on something other than reality.

[Diclotican]

18. Bluenorthwest

Bluenorthwest

Good for you, that you do have Roundabouts, and it is maybe a irony if the man who invented that thing, died in a accident in a roundabout.. I would guess it was not THAT he had in mind when he invented this thing...

On the other side, Norway do have whine, in the south of Norway - very south of Norway. The country are not the best country to make wine in from the beginning.. 9 months of winter, followed of something that many will name a less cold winter (usually referring to as summer) And for the most part our country have not the soil needed for some fine Chardonay... The Wine who is made in Norway is rather bitter - and expensive and for the most part been drinking by the die hard.. On the other hand, if you are going to our "vinmonopol" you will find many nice wines from all over the world - even from California;):. And from Spain and even from Australia of you want it... So I guess we are pretty well stocked with wine, if you want to get this in Norway too.. Even that we do not produce wine for ourself. If you, who have been here in Norway many times since the age of 12, then you should have understand by now, that Norway are not the country to make wine.. Even the monks got that after a while, and imported fine red and white wine from France and the Holy german Empire... (Usually refereed to as Rhineland who still make some decent white wine if I might say it;) )
So I might guess you are using your "irony" here when you ask who it is going with our Chardonnay this days.. I for noe would guess we doesn't have Chardonnay on our menu yet, not who i locally produced anyway..
But we do have some pretty decent beer here in Norway.. Even some decent non alcoholic beer who taste as beer should do, without the side effect of been drunk.. I have tasted many beer from all over the place, and yes you do have some good beer, but for the most part it is just crap the beer you make.. Many European country make far better beer than the US do, and that is a fact that no one have given proof to rebuke anyway...

When it came to use of Gun, the US do have a far more "tradition" to use weapon to solve issues than in many european country.. That maybe be because in most european country the use of weapon is controlled and for the most part weapon are used to either target practice in a shooting range, or used to hunt for food.. Compared to US, who last year more than 11.000 americans was killed by gun most european country are in the 100s and no more.. Even Canada who are YOUR nabour have a whole other culture of when to use weapon at all... In Norway you have to be member of a pistol club, to even have license to have a gun... And the use of weapon is strict regulated.. So no con-siled weapon here... And for the most part, the weapon who indeed are in use in Norway, is used to hunt weapon, and are not autmatic. Who need a Army grade weapon anyway?.. To have a M16 to hunt for deer is just bad hunting practice, and not decent hunting in my wiew.. Or as many of you american tend to have, a weapon who in many other country would have been licenced just to the army, becouse of the fire power.. Who need 100 round in a weapon?.. Even if you hunt Bear you do not need to use 100 rounds to kill the beast.. If you are a decent hunter you need maybe a couple of rounds.. If not, you would have no place to be in the area in the first time around..

When it came ot micro brewed beers, I would guess that Denmark and Sweden are far better than in Norway, even that we are working on it, but the big breweries are not comfortable with the small micro brewed beers, but at the end of the day I would guess that even in Norway, the use of micro brewed beer would be larger than it is today.. And after all, we can always import it from Denmark and Sweden who are just south and east of the border... It is a long tradition to travel to Sweden to get some beer, and some other things that is more expensive in Norway..

Diclotican

[Bluenorthwest]

16. Did you hear the one about why the chicken crossed the road?

This one came out right after he got to the other side. Also, as today I heard from Brit friends all in peril of job loss in a crash, the comedy rule 'timing is everything' applies. Perhaps we should all learn to say 'on the dole' like they do!

[Marrah_G]

19. ~Sigh~....... do we "really" need to kick their ass AGAIN........

:sarcasm: