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Authors note: This is different from what I normally do, I was little depressed what with Congress taking the healthcare legislation private so that they don’t need a condom and ever more war. So perhaps the little trolley slipped the track just a bit, but I'll back in my right mind in a day or two when ever the drugs wear off.
Dave
When Good Socks Go Bad
By David Glenn Cox
It is a mystery almost as old as socks themselves, why do socks run away and leave their partners alone? Perhaps it is the work, long hours in a dark, dank environment surrounded by foul odors with leisure time spent only in the community of a dark sock drawer. Peaceful? Yes, but what about excitement?
So, should it surprise us that a sock filled with ambition, cotton and rayon wouldn’t try to find a way over the wall and seek the freedom of the open road? We have fashion shows filled with the latest styles of swimsuits and dresses, lapels and hemlines, even underwear and lingerie are welcomed on the runway. But what of the noble sock? Relegated to the back rooms, unappreciated and unloved, it is a sad existence to be lowly footwear, located as far from the brain as possible but always willing to travel.
That urge for travel is so strong in the sock that even if we do not hear the call ourselves, they do and will go on alone without us. No other article of clothing can claim that strength of character! Underwear hangs out in the worst neighborhoods and it makes them slothful and lazy. Underwear would rather lie with us on the couch and watch football or be washed in the sink and hung over the shower rod. This is underwear with an undeserved attitude, queen of the nether regions, a queen while being sat upon, a queen indeed!
History describes the medieval castle drawbridge as a feature for the protection of the populace, but this is obviously a mistaken idea. In those olden days socks were a valuable commodity, each painstakingly hand made and at great expense. You cannot imagine a bad day at work until you’ve worn a suit of armor into battle with only one sock. It is clear to me that the drawbridge was developed for the containment of wayward socks. Why else would they put a moat around the castle if not to catch the socks? A wet sock can make no time on the open road; wet socks are almost always immediately captured hiding in the washing machine or slinking along the floor.
It is a fact that most socks make their break for freedom sometime between drying and sorting. In the jumble and confusion they make a break for it, with the skill of a prison break they hide in the laundry by attaching themselves where they will not be observed. Coincidence that a white sock will attach itself to a white towel and not a red one? I think not. I dare you to show me underwear that is half that smart or that could execute a plan with such cunning.
Manufacturers did not underestimate this ability; modern clothes dryers have a strong and sturdy door with the off and on switch strategically located far out of reach of the clothes being dried. Coincidence? I don’t think so. I think it is to defeat that Houdini of footwear, the humble sock. But that returns us to our earlier question: why do they go?
If these boots are made for walking, need we really ask why socks want to go, too? They want to see the world! They are travelers in a vehicle without a window seat, so for them to see the world they must abandon you. Not abandon just you, but the safety and security of the sock drawer and their partner as well.
A friend of mine told me that she had lost her wallet and a sock while doing laundry and I immediately suspected the worst. This wayward sock had lured the unsuspecting wallet into a life of crime! What can you expect from a leather wallet that was once a cow? Algebra equations? Wallets will make a break for it every now and again but are usually located when not stolen, but we’re talking footwear crime here so let's stay focused on that.
I suspected the sock had convinced the wallet to run away together and use the money in the wallet for bus fare. Don’t laugh, I have ridden on many buses and have seen stranger characters than that. I was concerned for my friend and tried to explain to her about the waywardness of socks. That it is important first of all to not blame ourselves when socks go bad, because socks from good homes run off at nearly the same rate as from the poor.
I explained to her, “Socks often run away from home; it is common with twin siblings. One sock is always rolled inside the other, making it feel inferior while the other enjoys the comforts of the social community inside the sock drawer. Finally, frustration and rage manifest until the wayward sock feels that it must strike out to find itself. To throw off the chains of oppression and family intercourse and find its own way, its own world and its own life in the only place a single sock can find freedom and acceptance, California.
“If you love the sock, let it go. If it comes back to you, accept it and use it as a rag to polish the car. Remember, I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet, but I laughed at the man with only one sock. I mocked him and cried out, 'Where is your other sock?' And he answered, 'Right here,' and then he hit me. So the moral of the story is that wearing one sock is better than wearing three."
Fortunately, the wallet was found hiding out in a coat pocket. It had lost its nerve. After all, who has ever heard of a truly brave cow? The sock, however, was truly gone, and really, it should be appreciated for its ambition. To strike out alone in the world, to come out of its hiding places and experience life unlimited. To search out the vistas that are regularly denied to it. To live its life as it chooses and not as it was ordained. Just because it does not have the ears to hear that distant drummer doesn’t mean that it cannot still, indeed, march to its beat.
Lost socks are to be admired. Fearless, brave and searching, they leave us to find a better life. Although uneducated and without money or assistance of any kind, they escape to their own Bora Bora and are never heard from again. God grant them peace and good wishes, for they are truly noble creatures.
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