MY NEW GOP HEALTH CARE REFORM SHELTER!

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by JeffLieber
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2010/3/22/847135/-MY-NEW-GOP-HEALTH-CARE-REFORM-SHELTER!

I'M WRITING YOU FROM DEEP INSIDE MY NEWLY PURCHASED REPUBLICAN HEALTH CARE REFORM SHELTER, WHICH HAS BEEN DESIGNED TO KEEP ME SAFE DURING THE UPCOMING SOCIALIST APOCALYPSE!

LET ME APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR HAVING TO SHOUT LIKE THIS, BUT ITS VERY HARD TO HEAR OVER THE WAILS OF "PLEASE DON'T LET THEM SHOOT ME" BY THE SIX GRANDMOTHERS WHO SNUCK IN OVERNIGHT.

(DEAR GOD, THE SMELL OF MAJONG AND SHUFFLE BOARD IS ALMOST OVERWHELMING.)

I PURCHASED THE SECOND BIGGEST MODEL, THE "JOHN BOEHNER," BECAUSE I WANTED THE BUILT IN SPRAY TAN FEATURE, BUT THERE ARE SOME REALLY STRANGE QUIRKS TO THIS THING.

FIRST YOU CAN'T BE UPRIGHT IN HERE, BUT MUST LIE AT ALL TIMES. YOU CAN LIE OUT YOUR ASS OR LIE ON YOUR BALD FACE OR EVEN LIE LIKE A RUG, BUT TRY AND STAND ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET... AND SUDDENLY ALARMS GO OFF AND YOU ARE ASSAULTED WITH PRERECORDED TAPES OF WILD-EYED, TEA PARTY MEMBERS SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS.

ITS IMPOSSIBLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THEIR SAYING, BUT THE MANUAL SAYS "VOICES ARE SET TO A FREQUENCY THAT CAUSES ELEPHANTS TO MATE AND LEMMINGS TO RUSH OVER THE END OF A CLIFF".

NOW, THERE IS A TV, WHICH PLAYS BLEN GLECK 23 HOURS A DAY. THE LAST HOUR IS REN AND STIMPY RERUNS, WHICH SADDENS ME BECAUSE I KEEP THINKING, "WHAT AM I MISSING, BLEN?"

HANG ON. HANG ON.

WHAT? NO. NO. GO AWAY! THERE'S NO MORE ROOM FROM GRANDMOTHERS! GO DOWN TO THE GREENBAUGHS, THEY BOUGHT THE "MICHELLE BACHMAN!" ITS THE BIG MODEL DOWN THE STREET THAT'S PAINTED "STAR-SPANGLED CRAZY"!

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

OK, SO QUICK TOUR OF THE KITCHEN AREA. GIN AND TONIC IN POWDER FORM, CHECK. BLOODY MARY IN POWDER FORM, CHECK! MEAT UNSULLIED BY SOCIALIST INSTITUTIONS SUCH AS THE FDA, CHECK!

OH, AND... SURVIVAL SEEDS!... FRESH MARTINI PLANTS WITH GARLIC STUFFED OLIVE FLOWERS.

(MY DO THEY THINK OF EVERYTHING!)

WHAT? HANG ON, AGAIN. NO, AGNES, NO WARM MILK FOR ME. AND WILL YOU PLEASE TELL RUBY THAT IF SHE DOESN'T TURN DOWN THE LIBERACE I'M SO GOING TO LET THE "AUTHORITIES" KNOW ABOUT HER BUM HIP AND HER SCIATICA!)

OK. WHERE WAS I?

OH, OH... ONE OF THE COOLEST FEATURES IS THAT YOU CAN SET THE COAL POWERED GENERATOR TO "DIRTY", "REALLY DIRTY", OR "FUCK GLOBAL WARMING" AND IN THE "SARAH PALIN" MODEL IT EVEN HAS A SETTING CALLED "GOOD FOR JOHN MCCAIN".)

WAIT! SHIT! I HEAR-- HELICOPTERS! IT'S STARTING! QUIET! QUIET EVERYO--

WHO'S THERE?!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?

OH, GOD ITS GAY PEOPLE AND BROWN PEOPLE AND HIPPIES!

NO, THESE ARE NOT GRANDMOTHERS WHO ARE USELESS TO SOCIETY!

THEY STILL HAVE LIFE IN THEM?

HAVE YOU NO HUMANITY!

ESTHER! THEA! RUBY! BERTHA! WHERE IS YOUR HUMANITY!