How to Stop a Bully

[katty]

more:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-03-31/how-to-stop-a-bully/?cid=hp:mainpromo9

EXCERPT:

While the indictments of the nine Massachusetts students who bullied Phoebe Prince to death may help lead to more effective monitoring of harassment, only the schools have the power to stop it. And in many schools across the nation, there is a conspiracy of silence.

Victims can be reluctant to report their injuries because they know nothing will come of it and the bullying will only get worse. Friends of those bullied typically say nothing as well. “If you report what’s happening,” says one student in New York City, “you know that you will be next.”

• Lucinda Franks: Life and Death at Suicide High
Teachers don’t always step in because they receive little or no backup, or they want to be popular and cool, or are fearful for their own physical safety.

Exacerbating the problem, principals are also often afraid of the parents of bullies, who are usually bullies themselves and who come tearing in, threatening lawsuits. In light of the new anti-bullying laws, principals fear the unwanted publicity will lead to a reduction of their school funding. And sometimes they are simply lazy. It is easier to ignore an incident, pretend it’s just a part of growing up. As a result of this lassitude—in school boards as well as individual schools—many adolescents come to believe that they deserve bullying. And for some, the only way to escape their tormentors is to take their own lives.

[tosh]

1. I wonder if I am the only one

to feel disturbed by this guy Koocher's remarks.

[katty]

3. no, they are disturbing considering the horror that intense

bullying can result in. Bullying is a very serious problem that must be addressed, just like any other kind of continued intense harrassment.

[tosh]

9. Koocher -

"Schools generally don’t support laws that force them to obey rules and punish them if they don’t. More layers and layers of rules, more complications for school administrators!” says Glenn Koocher, executive director of the Massachusetts Association of School Committees, in an excited voice. “What are we going to do, make a state rule that you can't bring a Dunkin donut to school? Are we going to say, ‘Here comes Haley’s Comet, let's make a regulation!‘ ”

Koocher and others think that the new anti-bullying laws have attracted a plethora of opportunists: “They are coming in droves, these narcissists who exploit other people’s misfortunes. They camouflage themselves as professional consultants. With all these anti-bullying policies to be drafted, they are right there selling their services.”

<snip>

[katty]

12. well, i wouldn't want him in my jury box - of course

there are obvious levels of teasing, harrassment, to intense bullying--but the school needs to raise awareness and make it safe for serious bullying to be checked and hopefully steps to stop it sooner than later.

[dmr]

18. Dunkin Donunts? Hayley's Comet? Such analytical skills!

Sometimes the wrong people get jobs they shouldn't.

:grr:

[Raster]

34. No, you are not. The man is an insensitive cretin who should not be in any position of authority.

I wonder what his reaction would be if it were HIS child terrorized on a daily basis by the bullies? I suspect his reaction would be quite different.

[yurbud]

48. the author was a bit charitable about why some administrators look the other way

it's not that they fear bully parents or believe the problem doesn't exist. A significant portion of people who go into K-12 education have authoritarian personalities, and the percentage of those who become administrators is even higher.

That group is predisposed to identify with whoever the alpha monkeys are among the kids, the jocks, attractive, and popular kids. They spring to their defense instinctively. That reflexive defense of jocks extends all the way up through college. There was a story of a professor in the South who wouldn't change a failing grade for a football player even after pressure from admin, so the player stabbed her, and the school backed the PLAYER with the cops.

There is a second subset of administrators who identify with bullies: those who were dorks, wimps, or even bullied themselves in school. Instead of seeing their position of power as a chance to protect kids in their past position, they see it as a second chance to earn the favor of the popular and jocks.

They should poll students and teachers of K-12 schools and ask if the administrators side with bullies or their victims, and if the results show they clearly choose the bullies, they should not only be fired, but forced to find another line of work.

[panader0]

2. I never saw a bully yet who wouldn't back down when they

were stood up to.

[katty]

5. being of the female gender, I can say it can be harder

sometimes for girls/women to stand up to a bully of either gender. Guys are still 'expected' to confront an aggressor. (I am not being sexist here, this is generally the way it plays out-even now)

[nosmokes]

7. i have and have had my ass kicked for it too

more than once.

they're not all bluster and bluff but ya can't let 'em get away w/o consequences.

[Foolacious]

14. In my junior high and high schools,

the bullies were big, numerous, and armed... as in guns and knives. A bit hard to stand up to them.

[tinrobot]

26. Trust me, you haven't seen every bully.

[wolfgangmo]

39. If you are serious about the bullying ending...

then the smart bullies will back down until the odds are in their favor. It's the stupid ones that you have to pound into the ground repeatedly until they get the idea.

Of course with gangs it's another issue. Gangs operate under an "aid and assist" rule where other members of a gang HAVE TO jump anyone who jumps one of the gang. This can lead to serious escalation seriously fast.

There is more than one way to get a bully to back off,, but not every idea works in every situation for every person. It's pretty easy to armchair quarterback, but we should not condemn those who choose differently for themselves and their situations.

[bluestateguy]

4. Plenty of do nothing school administrators deserve blame

and in some cases, yes, there are teachers who choose to look the other way too.

I know that won't go over too well with those of you like to act as press secretaries for the NEA on this board, but it is true, and I have seen it with my own eyes in the past.

[mbperrin]

43. There are plenty of poor administrators and teachers, too, but this is

not an NEA result.

I simply will not tolerate bullying in my classroom, and I have taught for 3 decades in the oldest high school in town. Most extreme case: called the city cops and had a 17 year old arrested for telling a young woman in class that he couldn't wait to tear her clothes off as soon as class ended. She told me seconds later, and I called the police. He was under arrest less than 30 minutes later, and one of the conditions of his probation is maintaining 500 feet between him and the young woman.

Can't put up with it. At all.

[bluestateguy]

47. Good for you

The aforementioned message was not for the good teachers like you, but for the lazy assclowns who DO tolerate bullying.

[paulsby]

6. how? punch him in the face

simple. worked for me

[Mopar151]

10. Not so simple

When it's 8 on 1, or the teacher is being distracted until you retaliate. Bullies are often much more criminally skilled than their victims, too. Not to mention I'd like to see you after a goon like one of my tormentors (6'10" as a sophmore) decided to retaliate.

[paulsby]

11. it was a general rule

but remember it's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the fight in the dog.

regardless, it;s not a perfect solution.

just one that worked for me with two different bullies, and others it has worked for too

[Mopar151]

27. To quote a wise man:

For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong.
H. L. Mencken :banghead:

[paulsby]

30. except it's not wrong

it works, it's time tested.

it's not perfect. no solution is

this is the real world.

bullies generally don't like when people fight back.

so, FIGHT BACK

[tinrobot]

19. Glad it worked for you, but some kids just can't do that...

Too weak, too uncoordinated, too little self-esteem, or too many bullies piling on.

Expecting children to rise to that level of violence is very misguided.

[paulsby]

22. i expect many, if not most

can. it's not rocket science.

throwing a punch is not difficult

in the case of MANY if not most bullies, ONE punch is all it takes to dissuade them

that's just my limited experience and that of a few others.

bullies generally want easy targets.

[tinrobot]

24. I suspect with you, the bully picked the wrong target

Because you fought back and the bully went away. Good for you.

But what about the kids who weren't like you? The truly easy targets. The kids with Aspbergers, physical shortcomings, or mental difficulties? Kids who were too small, too weak, too insecure, or those who simply did not want to throw a punch? Should they be expected to confront their bullies like you did?

And what about the bullies? Fortunately, yours went away, but not every bully goes away with one punch in the face. Some come back for revenge, and many come back with reinforcements.

If we expected every single child in a school to be able to fight his/her way clear of bullies, it would make recess look closer to a prison yard than a playground.

It's not the solution.

[paulsby]

29. i agree

i am talking the average, runof the mill victim, and the average run of the mill bully.

exceptions are of course there.

and i agree that in those situations, other actions may be called for.

for most bullies,a simple shot in the kisser is all it takes.

ime.

[wolfgangmo]

42. The answer is not for the kids to raise to that level of violence...

It's for the adults. Long ago and far away I was a teacher and there was this group of kids who were bullying lot's of students.

Myself and another teacher had a little sit down with the ringleader after school and told him to stop the bullying. We were clear about the world of crap (legal and let's say "ahem" slightly less than legal) that would descend on his head if he didn't stop it but also made clear that we thought he was a natural leader and would have no problems fixing things. After he changed the bullying we notice him more in class and helped him develop as a student, person and citizen. Of course we were young, dynamic, in good shape, etc. teachers who had the respect of many of the gang members in the area so... that made it easier.

The point I am making here is that often bullies are screwed up but they are also quite often natural leaders. And the principals, parents, teachers, etc who let their behavior continue aren't doing them or their victims any favors.

The responsibility is the adults. When they screw it up, then and only then should the kids be required to step up and take physical action.

[depakid]

21. Unfortunately, that action will get a kid expelled and proscuted in America these days...

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[ret5hd]

32. don't you mean "it worked ON me"?

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

35. +1

[paulsby]

37. lol no

i was the exact opposite of the bully

bullies piss me off

that's why i generally chose "rescue professions" from lifeguard to firefighter to cop

i hate people who victimize others because they are weak

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

36. Yes, and people who earn minimum wage should pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

Why don't they just get a roommate and a third fourth fifth job? :eyes:

Same mindset.

[AsahinaKimi]

45. I was supended for one day

by breaking the nose of a bully with my Shinai (bamboo sword used in Kendo) and he was suspended a month. He never came after me again. I also, later had some serious back up, some of the guys from my kendo classes.

[no_hypocrisy]

8. The law firm I work with handles cases for victims of bullies.

Our actions hold accountable the students, the teachers, the administrators, and the parents of the students. Bullying is epidemic in every school district.

[TuxedoKat]

16. That's good

because they are all culpable.

[Demeter]

13. Bullying Is Official US Foreign Policy. It Permeates Our Government

and I see no end to it. It's not surprising that after 70+ years of it even the community schools are saturated in bullying.

And bullying is a natural consequence of the permissive, never drawing a boundary parenting style foisted off on new parents by truly ignorant parenting authorities.

Where to start? Just as with racism, from both the top and the bottom: the White House and the humble homes.

[nightrain]

15. yep. It permeates certain cultures. Ours is one. Horrible.

[katty]

40. yes, it certainly does

[Cobalt-60]

17. Bullies have to be fought

The intended victim needs to run back at the bully full speed with any weapon they can find.
Object: to inflict as much physical damage as possible, especially visible damage.
If the intended victim cant take the bully or bullies head on, then they must be struck when they are alone-with the same objective of making an example.
I know what I'm talking about.
As a kid the local sh*tballs gave me a hard time.
That stopped when I took a sawed off, lead cored baseball bat and literally whipped the shit ot of their leader where everyone could see it.
Force is all these jokers understand.

[tinrobot]

20. Hitting someone with a lead-cored baseball bat is a crime.

It's called assault. In some jurisdictions, it could be considered assault with a deadly weapon and would get you several years in prison.

Expecting innocent children to use potentially lethal weapons against another human being is completely insane, completely illegal, and psychologically damaging.

The only force that needs to be used against bullies is the force of law.

[JoeyT]

31. Never use a weapon like that.

A brick is a much better. That way it doesn't look like you went looking to start trouble.
It's actually better to not use a weapon at all. These days a lot of the authorities are on the side of the bullies. Which means raising a hand to defend yourself will get you locked up and/or expelled.

Edited to add: The first line is a joke. Figured I should add that before someone has a fit.

[troubledamerican]

46. No, no, offer a tearful apology

like Harry Reid has taught us

[Kirbster]

33. Adolescent "Mean Girls" have been around forever.

Their weapon of choice is hurtful speech. Unfortunately, modern technology in the form of the internet and smart cell phones helps them leverage and amplify their bullying to an unprecedented degree. They can recruit an anonymous mob to extend the campaign against one hapless girl into a 24/7 enterprise.

Unfortunately, I have no idea how to make it stop.

[wolfgangmo]

44. How about a federal law administered by the FCC.

Where anyone convicted of bullying or who uses technology to bully (with provisions to make the phone companies co-operate with authorities to see if there is a record of calls, emails, texts, etc.) would, along with criminal and civil charges, be banned from getting any technology like cell phones, email accounts, etc.

Pretty much impossible to manage, I know, but it's a start. Imagine the PSA slogan - bully a kid, lose your phone.

[wolfgangmo]

38. At one time this nation said "the buck stops here."

But since Reagan this nation has been lead by an ethos that says "I have no recollection of those events, Senator."

IMHO, principals, school boards and superintendents are completely responsible for bullying. They are the ones with the power to do something about it. I plan on being a principal some day and I will make sure that the district has a lawyer on retainer for handling bullying parents. Besides most people who threaten lawsuits have no idea how to file one and will never take the time to get one rolling. Any principal who stands down to that kind of crap is not doing their job and should not have the job. Any superintendent or school board who lets it happen are equally as responsible.

It is well past time that we stop dithering like Reagan and started to shout out, "the buck stops here."

[JohnWxy]

41. the state has a responsibility to educate it's youth. If any student acts in such a way as

to undermine an atmosphere conducive to learning, that student should be dealt with quickly. Since this student is not interested in learning he will be removed from the school system and put to work making a living, say coal mining, or picking crops or fishing in the Bering sea.

If after one year of this the student feels like he would like to try to learn something after all, and that he commits to not interfering with other students efforts to learn, he can be given a second chance. HE will get ONE second chance. IF he blows that we can use him in Afghanistan in a bomb disposal unit.