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(Preznit Dubya wends his way through the crowd, shaking hands and grinning maniacally. He grasps the lecturn firmly and focuses on the crowd)
Hello. My name is George Dubya Bush, and I'm an alco-
("This is a test of the emergency broadcast network. EEEEEEEEE!" Thirty-seven seconds later, the SOTUA continues)
Mister Speaker, Mister Equalizer, Mister FM Receiver: Welcome to the Terrordome.
(thunderous standing ovation)
So... how 'bout them TROOPS?!
(much whooping, stomping, hollering and firing of small arms)
How 'bout that HOMELAND?!
(rapturous eruption of patriotic applause)
How 'bout them warrantless searches?!
(Republicans hoot, Democrats look around, puzzled)
The 'conomy is rockin again... cuz'a my TAX CUTS! Yeah! Give it up for the 'conomy!
(Republicans rise and cheer, Democrats look on, amazed)
We must educate our kids smarter. No child can be left behind… unless they can't keep up!
(cue video of bored-looking kid who forgets to applaud)
We must drug our old people. Half off prescription drugs for America's deserving old!
(cue video of vaguely insulted-looking spinster)
You have a choice, America. You can either turn around now - turning back the clock on everything my administration has achieved over the past three years - or you can join me in staying the bold new course I have charted into the choppy waters of our collective future.
(confused mumbling and angry muttering)
The terrorist attacks of September 11 happened two years ago, but make no mistake… each and every one of you is still in grave, personal danger. Parts of the U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. are set to expire next year.
(Democrats cheer the idea of freedom's return)
But the terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule. The U.S.A.P.A.T.R.I.O.T.A.C.T. must be permanentized! The Constitution be damned!
(Republicans cheer the idea of continued fear-mongering and total loss of liberty)
Pipeline-istan is all better now, since we kicked much Taliban ass. It's awesome there now! We fixed it!
(dozens of Afghans pause from digging their children's graves to spit into the dirt at the sound of Dubya's voice)
The fact that I lied us into a war with Iraq is an inconsequentiary. I mean, I caught Saddam! I got rid of the Baathists! I made the Middle East a safer, better place! For diplomacy to be effective, wild threats of unprovoked violence must be credible. No one can now doubt that George Bush's America is willing to do and say whatever it takes to get what it wants, by any means necessary. Ends and means, supply and demand… it all boils down to oil - I mean values!
(several Republicans pop blood vessels shrieking their approval of Bush's rhetoric, here)
Our troops sure are swell! Troops, troops, troops! GO TROOPS!!!
(windows shake and tremble at the cacaphonic response to Dubya's entreaty)
Democrats can't protect you from the terror-monsters like I can. Remember, 9/11 - just like the first World Trade Center bombing - was all Bill Clinton's fault.
(Republicans start howling at the moon)
To those of you who are concerned about how the rest of the world views America, about our deteriorating relationship with historic allies, I say this… Fuck the United Nations! Fuck the rest of the world! We're Number One, and we'll do whatever the hell we want to! Don't mess with Texas!!!
(Dennis Hastert screams so hard he starts puking blood - a pale and waxy Cheney looks away)
We're bringing democracy to the Middle East, whether they want it or not. To counteract the hateful propaganda of the Evil Doers, I am earmarking a bajillion dollars to flood media markets in that part of the world with propaganda of our own. Viva Radio Free Dubya!
(a mariachi band plays the first two bars of 'La Cucaracha,' then stops)
We got jobs today that no American wants to do in America… at least, not for two dollars an hour they don't. That's why we need immigrints. But we already got immigrints. So I figured out a way we could use them immigrints - maybe even have 'em fight all our upcoming wars for us - on the cheap! My temporary Ameri-Mexican exchange program will help lower the expectations of our own working poor by plunging them into a vast, shadowy darkness. It's a hard task, but it's one that I'm up to.
(Republicans don't know what to think about that one)
Medicines and doctors is good. Malpractice lawsuits is bad. That's why I'm proposing we do away with the so-called "pain and suffering" concept and set the value of a human life at $750,000... max. This will help simplify the malpractice process, allowing doctors to get out of the court-room and back into the operating room where they can keep making the world a better place for us non-doctors.
(past victims of catastrophic malpractice do the math, then shake their heads)
Drugs is bad. Believe me, I should know. That's why I want every child in America to piss in a cup. That way, we can make sure children are drug-free before pushing them through metal detectors on their way to overcrowded classrooms where they're taught by underpaid teachers who are forced to teach an arbitrary, unfocussed, federally-mandated curriculum.
(teachers across the nation throw foam bricks at their TV screens)
I promise to stamp out steroids! I promise to stop teenagers from having sex! I promise to stop judges from letting gay people get married by ramming through an unconstitutional and unnecessary constitutional amendment! I promise to give your tax money to Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and the Church of Scientology!
(Republican cheering reaches rock-star fever pitch while the Democrats sit on their hands, Zell Miller excepted)
Never mind whether you're better off than you were four years ago. What you need to ask yourself is, are you more fearful than you were four years ago? Do you watch what you say now? Are you reluctant to express your true feelings about the government to friends and family because you're worried about what the government might think about what you think about the government? You are?
Good. Cuz that's exactly the way we planned it.
Mission accomplished! Let's roll! And may God save the United States of America!
Preznit Dubya
Commander-in-Cheetos
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