Ashcroft's back. Time to get to work.

[thingfish]

UNFINISHED BUSINESS...

We here at the Daily Dirt were relieved to learn that Witchfinder General Jesus H. Ashcroft was finally released from hospital this weekend, after surgery to treat a painful bout of gallstone pancreatitis. It is our sincere hope that this brush with mortality will cause Ashcroft to redouble his efforts as the nation's number one law enforcement officer, and get to the bottom of some cases that have been lingering on his "to do" list for far too long, now.

For instance, after more than two years, the Anthrax Killer is still on the loose. Five people died handling those infected letters sent to various Democrats and media personalities, and while most of the intended victims were liberals, that doesn't mean you can slack off on the investigation... unless, of course, it was you who sent the anthrax.

Was it you, John? Was it you who sent the anthrax? Come on, John, if it was you, admit it. Be a man, John. You sent the anthrax, didn't you, John? Didn't you!?! Oh, sure... you didn't actually touch any anthrax yourself. But you got that white supremecist freak Steven Hatfill to do it. Then, just when you were about to move in and "Oswald" his ass, the fucker goes and gives a press conference basically threatening to spill the beans on the whole operation! From that point on, the heat was dropped, and the case began to cool. Now it's at room temperature, and you're stuck without a credible patsy.

I'm kidding, of course. I kid, because I love, and because - like all of you - I want to see these cases solved. Cases like the suspicious trading activity that went on in several financial markets in the days leading up to 9/11.

Remember, John, how a number of highly unusual trades took place which could only have been made by people with specific foreknowledge of the pending terrorist attacks? Shouldn't that one have been solved long ago? I mean, seriously, how hard is it to follow a money trail? It's been nearly three years. With all your awesome new snooping powers, you'd think you guys would have told us who placed all those dubious loss bets... unless, of course, it was you who used foreknowledge of the terrorist attacks to manipulate the stock market.

Was it you, John? Was it you who rigged the stocks? It was you, wasn't it. You knew this shit was coming all along. That's why you stopped flying commercial airlines two months before the shit (jumbo jets) hit the fan (WTC/Pentagon). How much money did you rake in, John? And how long did it take you to wash the fucking BLOOD out of it?!?!?

Once again, I kid the A.G. I kid, because I care. And I don't want people to go thinking crazy things about him, which is exactly what's going to happen if he doesn't get off his holy-rolling ass, leave the pot smokers, shock-jocks, OB/GYNs and adult entertainment enthusiasts alone, and get cracking on the serious shit.

And while yer at it, FREE TOMMY CHONG, ya fuckin' asshole.