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Subject: Late Night television skewers Bush
"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters,'Is
the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years
ago?'" -Jay Leno
"President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new
campaign theme - 'Safer, Stronger, and Tested.' Isn't that a condom ad?"
-Jay Leno
"They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish
Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs
anymore, he's branching out to other countries." -Jay Leno
"John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey
good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's
not going to show up for this." -Jay Leno
"President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all
of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." -Jay Leno
"I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting.
President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work
on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I
thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't
be able to find real jobs." -David Letterman
"The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock
ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox
News." -Craig Kilborn
"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the
total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for
President Bush it's different - his magic number is 5. That's the number of
Supreme Court judges needed to win." -Jay Leno
"Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know
Tony Blair was sick!" -Jay Leno
"Is it me or is President Bush's life starting to sound like a country song?
He's from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job.
Next thing, his truck is going to break down." -Jay Leno
"The Democrats say that President Bush doesn't have an exit strategy for
Iraq. Of course he does. If things don't go well, he exits in November."
-Jay Leno
"A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and
John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White
House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the
capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." -Jay Leno
"President Bush is now focusing on jobs. I think the one job he's focusing
most on is his own. The White House is now backtracking from its prediction
that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say
they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs." -Jay Leno
"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops.
Here's the weird part: nobody remembers seeing him there." -Craig Kilborn
"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San
Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the
decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he
prefers judges." -Jay Leno
"It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm
reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never
met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were." -Jay
Leno
"In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said that the
transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of a positive
transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time. So basically,
losing your job to someone else can be a good thing. Of course we'll see how
he feels about that in November." -Jay Leno
"In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of
Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy." -Craig Kilborn
"George W. Bush was told that there was a leak in the White House as to a
CIA agent's name and has vowed to find who it is. So, to date, these are the
following things George W. can't find: The leak in the White House, weapons
of mass destruction in Iraq, Osama Bin Laden, the link between Saddam
Hussein and Osama Bin Laden, and his own ass with two hands and a
flashlight. " - Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live
"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove
George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got
documents that prove Al Gore won the election." -Jay Leno
"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They
were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They
actually found some old Al Gore ballots." -David Letterman
"As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are
emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he
was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical.
President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election
Day." -Craig Kilborn
"President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember
the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up
was a stain?" -Craig Kilborn
"Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had.
One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them
disappear without a trial." -Bill Maher
"New Rule: If everybody was wrong about the weapons of mass destruction,
then somebody has to say, 'My bad.' ... For some reason, the two words this
president just can't seem to say are 'sorry' and 'nuclear.' Something is
terribly wrong when the only person who has been fired over terrorism is
me." -Bill Maher
"Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone,
5,000 people started working for John Kerry." -Craig Kilborn
"If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance (on 'Meet the
Press') it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the
first to tell you why. (Bush:) 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I
should have told you that back in 2000.'" -Jon Stewart
"One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too
much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat." -Jay Leno
"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two
parts: smoke and mirrors." -Jay Leno
"President Bush's approval rating is now down under 50 percent. So now what
he's going to have to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again."
-David Letterman
"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have
been. We knew that when we elected him!" -Jay Leno
"It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we went to
war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton
really was." -Craig Kilborn
"A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat
Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek
magazine a threat to world peace." -Jay Leno
"President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if
his aides never learned to read, they'd never be able to tell him what's in
the newspapers every day." -Jay Leno
"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the
new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are
Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's where the jobs went. Who better
than Bush as an example of what can happen when you take a job without any
training." -Jay Leno
"President Bush gave his State of the Union speech. I think he is getting a
little cocky. Instead of playing Hail to the Chief, he was lowered to the
podium to 'We are the Champions.'" -Craig Kilborn
"President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on
Earth." -Jon Stewart
"President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He
came up with a snappy new slogan - to drill where no man has drilled
before." -Craig Kilborn
"President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, 'I
may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one.'" -Craig Kilborn
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