My Cousin Needs Advice

[EX-CONservative]

Hi, everyone. I'll cut to the point.

One of my cousin lives in a strict Jehovah's Witness household. Her mother an father (my aunt and uncle) converted to the Jehovah's Witnesses before she was born. She is now 17.

My cousin came out to me as a lesbian today. If her parents find out about it, they will disown her and she will be penniless. They will also forbid the Jehovah's Witnesses in the family from speaking to her. They are very homophobic and will likely denounce her and ridicule her. She will also lose all her friends within the organization. She is VERY depressed and told me she "doesn't feel like a real person" (her words not mine) and alluded to suicide.

I love my cousin. She has a heart of gold and is a good person. She would never hurt a fly but is now conssidering ending her own life.

I am crying right now. I want her to be happy.

What do I do? I'm so scared now you won't believe. :scared:

[Trajan]

1. She is YOUR cousin ? ...

So: .. she has SOMEONE in her family who is understanding .... right ?

[still_one]

2. In one year she will be 18

it won't matter what anyone thinks, she will be an adult. The most important thing a person can do for oneself is become independent

[EX-CONservative]

14. You must understand,..

That the Jehovah's Witnesses cult is VERY manipulative and even at the risk of abondonment, it'll be very difficult for her to leave.

I'm making arrangements for her to live with me when she turns 18 so she can get on her feet.

Her parents to get married to one of the guys at her church after she turns 18.

She is distraught at the idea of being forced to live in a loveless marriage for the rest of her life. :-(

[murielm99]

3. You need to do everything you can to get her to hold off on coming out

to her parents at this age!

If you want to help her, see to it that she gets some training or education, so she can get a good job and be independent of her family. Then, if she wants to come out, okay. But she will still have to face the hurt of being disowned and shunned by her family and her friends in the organization. At any age, that will hurt. But when she is older and more independent, you can be there for her, and help her to form a new support group.

[EX-CONservative]

15. She's an A student

She has a 3.8 GPA. She's very bright.

Are there any scholarships for GLBT or teenagers that have no where else to turn for financial assistance?

[Valerie5555]

4. OMG what a dilemma for those people sound like they would be more

accepting of you if you had a (pardon my right wing American English) flipping blood transfusion, though they were against that as well.


At least that would hopefully be the case for the decision to undergo a blood transfusion would not be made lightly.

[Trajan]

5. I am atheist ....

So: .. I can only speak from this perspective .... (oh: .. and an ex-catholic ) ....

Firstly: ..... feeling suicidal is VERY serious ....

IF you are trusted, YOU may be 'the one' who MUST assist her in getting well ....

Her lesbianism shouldnt be an issue in a free society, which unfortunately is the LAST thing many americans really want ....

The issue of preserving an economic connection to those whom oppress your sexuality is problematic .... One must, at times, make a CLEAN break from those who try to control what they shouldnt control ...

She needs a SAFE place, where she can heal, but that place may not be easy as her life in her oppressive home .... Her financial dependence may have to be broken, for the sake of her sanity ...

Can YOU provide a safe place for her ??

[EX-CONservative]

13. She's 300 miles from me.

I'm making arrangements for her to live with me (i'm an adult) soon after she turns 18.

[Trajan]

16. Well: ... You are her only sane contact, is appears ....

You must guide wisely, and promote her safety above all else ....

Hopefully: she can last that long ... perhaps with the expert help from the other posts on this thread ...

Good luck to you both ....

[Kadie]

6. She needs a good support group

The fact that you said she alluded to suicide means you need to try to get her some help, quick. She needs to find someone to talk to. Are you close to her, can you be with her, help her find some counseling.

Good Luck. I wish her and you the best.

[Trajan]

7. Perhaps someone here ....

Knows of a lesbian help group who can deal with suicidal feelings in these cases ? ...

I know DU has a number of goodly people ....

Anyone ?? ...

[Mari333]

8. heres a number!!! 1-800-448-1833

call it gay suicide task force hotline number to help teens who come out

http://suicidehotlines.com/national.html

keep telling her shes not alone and theres help out there

[Kadie]

9. Good Job. I hope she calls.

[EX-CONservative]

11. Thanks :-)

I gave her the number and told her to call.

I should hear back from her tomorrow.

[pop goes the weasel]

10. try this

A Common Bond, a "message board was created for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered former (or active) members of the Jehovah's Witnesses religion." I can't speak for the level of support, but you might want to give it a look.

[EX-CONservative]

12. Thanks for the link.

I'll e-mail her the link.

Her parents put filtering software on the computer. It's Net-Angel or something.

I'll try to find a way for her to get the info.

I set up a secret web-based e-mail account so her parents won't stumble on the e-mail messages.

It's critical that they don't find out now.

[yardwork]

17. Dear ExCON

If your cousin is feeling suicidal, it is a medical emergency. I'm glad that another poster gave you a 1-800 number for her to call. Bless you for looking out for her. Check with her regularly. Encourage her to get help, even if it means going to the emergency room.

People who are thinking about suicide mean it. A good friend of mine killed himself when I was 21. I had no idea that he was serious. I have since learned that people who imagine suicide are deadly serious.

Many people believe that a significant number of adolescent suicides are gay and lesbians teens who feel hopeless because their families and communities will reject them.

I admire you for offering to take your cousin into your home when she turns 18. You can help her meet other supportive people. If she makes it through this extremely difficult and vulnerable time, she can build a support network of people who love and care for her.

[sandnsea]

18. Go to family services

If you're in the same state, it'll be alot easier. If she is willing to come live with you now, get her out of there. Hopefully family services can help with that process. But they have to understand JW's and what they will do to her if they find out she's a lesbian. There are alot of JW's where I live and I never knew what they were like until I got here. Crazy people, just like you describe. I don't think she should be left alone with this until she turns 18. How awful for her, just awful.

[Stephanie]

19. EX-CON - from my Mormon friends who moved to NYC to live their lives

There is life beyond wherever she is now. She really needs professional medical help, as you have been advised above, but YOU need to know that many GLBT people in big cities have moved there for this very reason and been VERY happy and successful.

[neebob]

20. Having been raised in a similar cult

I remember what it felt like to be this naughty bad teenager with a church closing ranks around me and trying to straighten me out - for smoking cigarettes, no less. Good grief, I can only imagine what it would have been like to be a Lesbian in this environment. I think it's important that you keep telling your cousin the rest of the world is not like this and things will look very different when she's 25 or even 21.

I blew off this other church at 20, gradually shook off the guilt, and was perfectly fine until a few months ago, when I realized it's a cult and developed a new issue about my parents having fallen for it and subjected me to it. So here I am at 43, thinking about this dumb weird church I thought I was done with 20 years ago.

I have a friend who's a recovering Witness, and from what she tells me they're a lot worse than the people who traumatized me as a teenager. I've also had a couple of JW neighbors, and I've seen how they try to keep their kids out of the real world and what it does to them. Lately I've been noticing how my remaining JW neighbor's church friends are constantly at her house since she divorced her husband who got in trouble with the Feds making shady stock deals to keep his business afloat. She talks to me when they're not around, about how the rug was yanked out from under her after 26 years of being a stay-home wife to this larcenous bastard she thought was stable. Now here she is with no job experience other than being a lunch lady 26 years ago and an 8-year-old daughter she'd been home schooling but now has to send to day care, and I watch the tears well up in her eyes and think my god, what would that be like. She could use a really use a friend who's been single most of her adult life and knows what it's like to muddle through alone and be a single parent, who has some decent job connections and is willing to help - not to mention having experience with abusive relationships AND a religious cult - but I always catch this vibe that talking to me is a bad thing. Oh, and the church people have been so supportive. What would she do without them.

Hubby went on the lam for a while, but apparently worked it out with the Feds and is now living down the street. The church took him back after disfellowshipping him. I'm just waiting for him to move back in.

The supportive cult-church is not a good thing. You can supply your cousin a way out, or at least a link to real life.