Is John Kerry's wife a political liability?

sfecap

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Wed Aug-20-03 06:27 PM
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Is John Kerry's wife a political liability?

Theresa Heinz Kerry was formerly married to the late Sen. John Heinz (D-PA). Sen. Heinz was tragically killed in an airplane accident a number of years ago. Mrs. Heinz inherited millions of dollars after his passing. Sen. Heinz was the scion of the fabulously wealthy Heinz family, founders of the H.J.Heinz Co., one of the worlds largest producers of ketchup (or is it catsup?) and other condiments.

Years after his death, Theresa married John Kerry. Her wealth has increased, (due to large increases in retail in ketchup sales...), and she is now worth hundreds of millions of dollars.

Sources (which I cannot at this point reveal) say that in recent months RNC operatives have fanned out across the country to gather the goods on what may be a huge scandal that could bring down the Kerry campaign. They are reportedly gathering the dirt about one of America's dark little secrets....the ketchup industry.

Most Americans have no idea what goes on behind the doors in an industry that knows no limits for it's cruelty to tomatoes. But...the story will be told, and it will not be a pretty one.

Tomato plants are routinely forced into small plastic containers, in hothouse conditions and force fed nutrients around the clock in order to produce tomatoes. Thousands upon thousands are crammed into "growing houses", in reality nothing more than crude hot, humid, glass houses with artificial light, without any type of air conditiong. In a matter of a few weeks, immature, young tomatoes are cruelly ripped from the plants by mechanical pickers, without regard for the plant's safety. Many plants lose branches or stalks. If they can no longer produce, they are simply uprooted and thrown away. Investigators have seen bins full of discarded, dead plants, it's a common sight. The cycle is repeated relentlessly, until the tomato plant just simply gives out and dies, another casulty of the giant ketchup industry...

After picking, within minutes, young, firm, otherwise healthy tomatoes are packed into containers, sometimes by the hundreds. There is no room to move, many are seriously bruised in the process. Still, no one cares, because few know. It's just another day in the ketchup business...

At the cavernous Heinz processing plants, (usually located in industrial areas, away from prying eyes...)these young, firm tomatoes are dumped on conveyers, sorted, gassed, and eventually boiled in water with temperatures reaching 240 degrees. Many don't make it. The floors are littered with tomato carcasses, fallen from the conveyors and forgotten. After boiling, the tomatoes are sliced, diced, and macerated...some details are just too lurid to recount here, but suffice to say you wouldn't want to be a tomato.

The end result? Millions of bottles of ketchup. Recent surveys have indicated that 95% of all Americans have at one time or another consumed ketchup. Most startling, however is the fact that nearly 9 out of 10 children are regular consumers of ketchup. In fact, many children are said to be ketchup addicts. Nice, huh? Another whole generation lost to ketchup. Interestingly enough...most children prefer Heinz ketchup. Not Hunt's, not Whole Foods brand...Heinz. Why? It's not clear, yet. But many insiders remember the ill fated ketchup investigations during the late 80's. The Senate launched an investigation into the the addictive properties of ketchup, only to have the inquiry shut down by John Heinz, an influential Senator at the time. Don't bother trying to research it...all records have been destroyed. Not a trace of the record exists. The rumor at the time was that Heinz had a "secret" ingredient that caused children (and many adults) to develop a voracious appetite for the stuff. But we'll never know. Or will we? The rethugs are rumored to be pressing for another investigation. And they are armed with a plethora of "facts". Americans consume ketchup at the rate of 36.25 gallons per family per year. Europeans, on the other hand, hardly use the stuff. You won't see a Frenchman putting ketchup on his pommes frittes...mayo, if you please! Why the disparity? Are Americans being covertly addicted to the red sauce?

Will Senator Kerry permit another inquiry? Will he stonewall it because of his "connection" to the industry? Will he agree to open door meetings? These questions need to be answered. Will he stand by his wife? Will he claim that she misled him? His campaign rests on these issues. It's time to come clean, John....what's the deal with Heinz? And by the way...do you use the stuff? Do you get it for free? Are you a secret member of the Ketchup (or is it catsup...) cartel?

Obviously this could be a very divisive issue. Will Democrats stick with a guy who's wife is rich because of millions of peoples cravings for the red sauce? Will they blame John for the high cost of Ketchup? Will they desert him when they realize that his wifes fortune came as a result of their childrens insatiable appetite for ketchup?

Theresa Heinz is by all accounts an intelligent, charming, witty woman who speaks several languages, and is known for her philanthropic endeavors...but is her money tainted by the dark, red
stain of America's secret scourge...

...ketchup?

Will Senator Kerry survive the heat?

Time will tell...