Rumsfeld's Address to the Iraqi People! (satire)

[BlackRhino]

As-Salaam-Alaikum, friends! I am the legendary Donald Rumsfeld! Some of you may already have heard of me. People Magazine crowned me "sexiest senior" of 2001. And, as America's one and only Secretary of Defense, I'm also the guy that just got through kicking the jam out of your collective hinders. Sorry about those thirty-seven thousand dead civilians, by the way. You know how these things go… But let's not dwell on that nasty business! I come now to visit your country - under a cloak of absolute secrecy - on a mission of hope and optimism!

First of all, let me just say that despite the incredibly high levels of radioactive contamination, I am absolutely delighted to be here in Baghdad with you lovely people. Just thrilled, really. I love what you've done with the place since my last visit! Liberation looks good on you, and I mean that sincerely. Also, I would like to convey the best wishes of the American people, who have nothing but unconditional love for the Iraqi people, and who share your joy that the tyranny that was here has been replaced with the kinder, gentler tyranny of empire.

Yes, the American people have been watching on their televisions while you have embraced your newfound freedoms - pulling down statues, pillaging hospitals and museums, being blasted into bits of bloody hamburger by trigger-happy 19-year-old Limp Bizkit fans at vehicle checkpoints - all without fear of being tortured or killed by history's greatest monster, Saddam Hussein! By the way, were you aware that he gassed his own people? It's true! I should know… I sold him the gas!

But the real reason I'm here today is to let you all know that our mighty Coalition of the Willing is in Iraq for the long haul. America and her allies are totally committed to getting your oil pumped out of the ground and into the SUVs that ferry our morbidly obese citizens from their sofa-deathbeds to the corner store, where they stock up nightly on Cool Ranch Doritos, Little Debbie snack cakes, premium ice creams and case after case of thirst-quenching diet soda.




Then, once we've sucked enough sweet black crude out from under you to pay for the incredibly expensive war machine we built to "liberate" you, we can start talking about maybe transitioning over to a kind of quasi-independent form of pseudo-self-government, subject of course to certain common-sense limits vis-à-vis certain pipelines per se, with stipulations and understandings, all of which will be for the ultimate good and prosperity of the Iraqi people, I personally guarantee you. But building a free society isn't easy! Heck no. It requires hard work, sacrifice, much shedding of innocent blood, and a paradoxical tolerance for the presence of heavily armed foreign occupiers. I know it's not much fun right now, but trust me, you'll learn to love it! Anyway, it's not like you have a choice.

We know this is a difficult time for many of you. Even as you dance for joy in the streets, celebrating your liberation like a bunch of Smurfs on crack, you also want a return to normalcy. That's understandable. You've been free for nearly half-a-year now, and everything is still pretty much FUBAR. Like my own boss says sometimes, everybody wants to be able to "put food on their family." You want hospitals that have actual medicine, rather than just a block of wood you can bite down on while they operate on you in the pitch black darkness. You want police back on the streets. You want schools reopened, electricity restored, and crappers that flush. You want to eat food that isn't spoiled. You want to drink water that doesn't taste the way Baghdad smells. To you who complain, I have only this to say: one day, we're all gonna look back on this and laugh. That's my promise to you!

But I'm not just here to help celebrate your freedom and make empty promises. I also have a few favors to ask. Folks, we need your help capturing the rest of Saddam's Ba'athist regime. We also need your help in getting rid of those goldurn foreign terror-fighters who have scampered over from neighboring countries to interfere with our ongoing liberation of you and your oil reserves. You don't want any filthy foreigners telling you what to do, do you? Of course not. You're far too proud a people for that! So please, if you would, help remove the threat by giving us any information you may have about the activities and the whereabouts of any foreign fighters in your area. American troops are exempt from this request, of course. The British ones, too. You can report on the Polish, Eritrean and Azerbaijani troops if you want, but we're really not that interested.




Back home in America, I have three children and six grandchildren, and I want the same things for them that each of you want for your children and grandchildren: safety, security and a just society where they have the freedom to pursue their dreams. We are committed to helping you build a new Iraq where your children and you will have those opportunities. Well, most likely your grandchildren will be the first generation to reap the real benefits of liberation. So you should probably be thinking in the long-term, is what I'm telling you.

Let me be clear: Iraq belongs to you. We have no intention of owning or running Iraq. We came here for a purpose, and it was to remove a regime that oppressed your people and was very likely planning to threaten ours. I know that's not what we told the United Nations we were going to do here, but never mind that. That's an irrelevant entity, anyway. My point is that we'll be staying as long as it takes to achieve our nebulous, ill-defined, ever-shifting goals… and not one day longer.

Thank you for listening. Now you can get back to scrubbing your prayer mats or whatever it is you monkeys do for fun in this Godforsaken hell-hole.

Your Friend,
Donald "Donny" Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense
United States of America

[Cocoa]

1. Well done!

:toast:

Here's the real one. Dandy Don the Sexy Grampa addressed the Iraqis right after "Statue Day":

http://www.defenselink.mil/transcripts/2003/tr20030430-secdef0138.html

Secretary Rumsfeld Message to the People of Iraq

(Recorded Message to be Broadcast to the People of Iraq)

Rumsfeld: Hello. I'm Don Rumsfeld, the American secretary of Defense. I am delighted to be able to visit Baghdad and Iraq, your country, to witness the liberation of the country. The American people share your joy and pleasure that the tyranny that was here is gone. We've watched you embrace your freedom: pulling down statues of Saddam Hussein, worshipping freely for the first time in decades, debating the future of your country, and even raising your voices in dissent on some occasion, but without fear of torture or death.

The coalition is committed to helping you as you take control of your country and make the transition from tyranny to freedom and self-government. Building a free society isn't easy. It requires hard work, sacrifice, and, indeed, time. We know this is a difficult time for many of you. Even as you celebrate your new-found freedom, you also want to see some normalcy restored to your lives, and that's understandable. You want to return to work so you can earn a living and feed your family. You want to see schools reopened, electricity restored, and water. You want to see order returned so that you and your families can venture out of your homes safely, without fear of violence. And you want to see police on the streets.

Coalition forces are working in close partnership with Iraqi citizens to restore order and basic services. Each day that goes by, conditions in Iraq are improving. In fact, in a number of parts of the country, people already have more food, more medicine, more water, more electricity than they had under the old regime. But some still do not have these basic necessities, and the coalition is working day and night to help provide for the needy.

Improvements in life in Iraq depend on finding the remnants of the old regime and ensuring that the Ba'ath Party's influence is completely removed. The coalition has taken into custody a number of the senior leaders from Saddam Hussein's regime. In almost every case, it was with the help of the Iraqi people. We need your help to capture the rest of them. We also need to rid Iraq of foreign fighters, those from neighboring countries, for the most part, who are seeking to hijack your country for their own purposes. Please help remove the threat by approaching coalition forces with any information you may have about the activities and the whereabouts of any foreign fighters in your area.

We shared a common objective in the removal of Saddam Hussein, and we share a common objective for a new Iraq -- a free country where Iraqi leaders answer to the Iraqi people instead of murdering Iraqi people and imprisoning them; where the country's wealth is used to benefit the Iraqi people, not line the pockets of a cruel dictator; where Iraqi children can play and study and learn and grow, and not worry whether their parents will be suddenly taken away by death squads.

Back home in America, I have three children and six grandchildren, and I want the same things for them that each of you want for your children and your grandchildren: safety, security and a just society where they have the freedom to pursue their dreams. We are committed to helping you as you build a new Iraq where your children and you will have those opportunities.

Let me be clear: Iraq belongs to you. The coalition has no intention of owning or running Iraq. Our coalition came here for a purpose, and it was to remove a regime that oppressed your people and threatened ours. Our goal is to restore stability and security so that you can form an interim government of your own and, eventually, a free Iraqi government; a government of your choosing, a government that is of Iraqi design and of Iraqi choice. The coalition will stay as long as necessary to help you do that, and not one day longer.

Thank you for listening.

[Kool Kitty]

2. Oh, well done!

I love it.

[BlackRhino]

3. Thanks!

I appreciate it.

[Melsky]

4. That was so funny!

You outrumsfelded rumsfeld.

[BlackRhino]

5. shameless self-kick

for the morning people