Fox news executives are saying they own all the rights to The Rapture — book rights, movie rights, rights to the name, and all product tie-ins — because they are "upright, decent, liberal-bashing Christians" and the other TV networks aren't.
"We have an agreement with a Burning Bush who claims to be God and who doesn't want just anyone, especially secular humanists like PBS, to televise The Rapture," Fox lawyers said. "We plan to market this event so that it will surpass the combined popularity of the Super Bowl, World Series, Masters Golf Tournament, and Florida 2000 vote count. Viewers should be extremely excited about this. Nothing like this has ever been on TV before. Not even 'The O'Reilly Factor,' as important as that show is, could hope to be this big."
The Rapture is currently being talked about because of U.S. preparations to invade Iraq. There are reports that many extreme right-wing Christians believe such an unprovoked attack would be like throwing gasoline on a fire and that the resulting conflagration will end the world. The Rapture takes place then: followers of Jesus rise up to Heaven no matter what they are doing — whether driving, showering, reading, fishing, etc., — while unbelievers are cast into hell for eternity. There are reports that Bush and others in his administration believe this will happen, too, although if it doesn't, the oil riches in Iraq will be just as rewarding to them as The Rapture would be.
No one at Fox has explained, however, who will be left to watch the Fox telecast of The Rapture if the world truly ends then. Or who might be left to read the books, watch the movies, or buy T-shirts and coffee cups with something like "The Rapture brought to you by Fox" written on them. Despite that inherent contradiction, Fox executives are very upbeat, as are Fox stockholders. Fox stock went up 50 percent on news of this upcoming telecast.
"We had a series of great lunches with the Burning Bush," one of the Fox lawyers said. "Some chairs and tables got burnt and probably aren't useable any more. But it's the end of the world, right? So why make a big deal of that?"
Others at those meetings, speaking on condition of anonymity, said the Burning Bush actually wasn't very excited about Fox's offer and never even liked the concept of The Rapture. These sources added that they don't know if this telecast will ever happen.
"The Burning Bush is very entertaining and likeable and told us The Rapture was just a joke from eons ago that some poor guys in Mesopotamia overheard and thought was real," our source said. "The lawyers ignored that and kept pushing the idea of Fox televising this event. They said they wanted to schedule it for prime time on a Thursday night because Fox programmers want to take on 'Survivor' and smash it to pieces and they think televising the end of the world could do that. Saturday night would be their second preference because, of course, Fox's schedule is really weak then, too, and the end of the world would give it a huge boost. When the Burning Bush just stared at them, they took that silence to be a form of consent."
Exactly when this will be on TV is uncertain. Fox wants its popular series "24" to be over, just in case the world does end. But according to our source, the Burning Bush did state clearly that there won't be a Rapture, and if the world ends over an Iraqi war, that's it. The experiment will be over. In that case, the Burning Bush is going on a long vacation and said nothing like this will ever be tried again.
http://www.last-laugh.net/rapture.htm
Printer-friendly format
Email this thread to a friend
Bookmark this thread
(1000+ posts)
Send PM |
Profile |
Ignore
