Revealed: Rumsfeld's new All-Purpose Condolence Letter!

[jmowreader]

Dear ( ) Mr. ( ) Mrs. ( ) Mr. & Mrs. ______________________:

I regret to inform you that your
( ) son
( ) daughter
( ) parent
( ) husband
( ) wife
( ) brother
( ) sister
( ) other relative
( ) opposite-sex domestic partner
( ) gay lover we didn't manage to catch and kick out

whose name was ________________________
and who was previously assigned to _____________________

was killed in
( ) Iraq
( ) Afghanistan
( ) Iran
( ) Kuwait
( ) Saudi Arabia
( ) ___________________

on ______________________.

( ) He ( ) She was killed by
( ) enemy gunfire to include artillery, mortars and rocket-propelled grenades
( ) suicide
( ) fratricide
( ) improvised explosive device
( ) starved to death because Halliburton refused to bring him or her any food
( ) died of dehydration because Halliburton refused to bring water, either
( ) traffic accident
( ) land mine
( ) some stupid shit he or she did
( ) we're not quite sure, but he yelled "hey y'all, watch this!" first
( ) ____________________.

( ) His ( ) Her buddies are
( ) saddened beyond belief at the loss of your Soldier and their friend
( ) pissed-off that the Defense Department can pay a Halliburton employee $1000 a day to peel potatoes and flip burgers but couldn't spare $500 to get him or her an armored vest that would have kept him or her from getting killed
( ) ambivalent because they never liked him anyway
( ) sad that he's gone but happy they get to split up his food, if it ever arrives
( ) dead too

Your Soldier's personal effects will be
( ) returned to you as quickly as we can
( ) sold at a pawnshop in Fayetteville to pay off his or her outstanding debts to the government
( ) __________________.

Your Soldier's remains will be returned to you in a
( ) flag-draped casket
( ) body bag
( ) gallon-size Ziploc bag, once we finish finding them

Your Soldier's final pay and allowances will be
( ) sent to you in the form of a government check
( ) deposited in your bank account
( ) seized to pay off outstanding debts to the government

Your Soldier is entitled to a military funeral with a firing squad and bugler. Unfortunately, the sheer number of war dead has depleted our supply of both. Therefore, you will find enclosed a CD of a military firing squad and a bugler playing Taps. Please return the CD in playable condition not more than 48 hours after your Soldier's remains have been disposed of or you will be assessed a Late Fee of $1 per day. A mailer has been enclosed for your convenience. Just insert the CD, affix $1.45 in US postage stamps and drop it in any mailbox.

Once again, we express our deepest condolences for your loss.

//ORIGINAL SIGNED//
Donald Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense

[Nikepallas]

1. Sad but it is not far from the truth

[DireStrike]

2. That can't possibly be Rummy's letter

It requires way too much work to fill that out.

Hey, why even send letters? It's just silly and sentimental.

[signmike]

4. Quaint, in fact

I've been wishing I had a copy of "Catch 22" to post the form letter in it, but this is much better! Thanks.

[imax2268]

3. lol...

Rubberstamp Rumsfeld...what a moron...

[DeepModem Mom]

5. kick