The "Young, Hip Bible" That Rolling Stone Rejected an Ad For

[GiovanniC]

Okay, this thread talks about a new version of the Bible that has a translation geared toward younger people. I thought about that for a while and thought it would be a good idea to get DUers to post some of their favorite Bible stories... translated for a younger, hipper crowd of course. I'll go first... and don't forget to cite chapter and verse!


All right, so check it out... there's this chick named Dinah whose mom and dad was Leah and Jacob, right? And one day she went out to get with her girlfriends. But then there was this dude named Schechum whose old man was all in charge of that hood and he saw her out and so he snatched her and all raped her and stuff. I mean, like, he was all sweet talking her though because he thought she was mad fine. So then he went to his dad and said, "Yo, I want that bitch as my wife."

So then Dinah's pop finds out about all this shit but he keeps his mouth shut while his sons are out workin'.

So Schechum's dad went up to Dinah's dad and wanted a word with him, ya heard? So at the same time all Dinah's bros found out about what shit had gone down and they're all pissed and they all come straight back to the family crib.

So Schechum's dad says, "Yo, it's like this, my posse wants the bitches in your posse, and you can have the bitches in our posse, and we'll be all like one big gang, nawmean?"

But like, maybe Dinah's bros was in the locker room with Schechum or sumthin' once cuz they was all, "Dinah can't get wit' that dude, his piece ain't circumcized. Only way we'd agree is if all your dudes got parts of their manhoods snipped off, yo."

So Schechum's posse all thought 'bout it and decided that was all good, so Schechum got his dick snipped. Then he went and told all the other dudes to get their dicks snipped too, so they could get with the mad fine ladies in Jacob's posse. So they all did that.

So they are all like in pain and shit from getting their knobs clipped when Jacob's boyz come up in there and just fucked the place up, just wasting everyone that moved. Then they stole all their shit and left.

But Jacob was like, "Damn, mofos, those dudes was tight wit' some other gangs 'round here and they are gonna be all up in here fuckin' shit up now."

But the boyz was all, "Fuck that, that one dude treated our sister like a whore."

THE END
(Genesis 34:1-31)

[GreenPartyVoter]

1. You mean this bible here?

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1903816734/qid=1090260807/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/104-6973446-1107163?v=glance&s=books

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Would Jesus love a liberal? You bet!
http://timeforachange.bluelemur.com/

[GiovanniC]

2. I Don't Think That's The One

But probably aiming to do the same thing.

[GreenPartyVoter]

3. Hmm, no. different publisher...

------------------------------------
Would Jesus love a liberal? You bet!
http://timeforachange.bluelemur.com/

[Jesus H. Christ]

4. Those old testament player haters are a trip.

Killing our own people, keeping our people down. That's straight bullshit, you hear?

[GiovanniC]

5. I Don't Know Why But I Think That Picture of Jesus Is Gonna Give Me

nightmares.