Dear Lord Jesus,
Thank you for not killing me before I had a chance to accept you as my Personal Savior.
I believe that Liberals and Democrats are under the control of Satan and his sneering minions, the educated and the well-traveled.
I do not want to be tossed into the incandescent flames of the sadistic hell you created for those who did not vote for George W. Bush or waiver in their faith by questioning the honesty, competence or syntax of Jesus' anointed.
Please Lord Jesus, I want to become a True Republican™ and a Real American™. I accept you as my Lord and Savior.
I believe You died for my sins and rose on the third day and floated off to your invisible, exquisitely decorated mansion in the Holy Ghost's subdivision in the clouds while an audience of early Republican prophets looked on.
I believe that in voting Republican, I am doing the implacable will of God.
I long to join my brother in Christ, George W. Bush, and every single True Christian™ who voted for Him.
I understand that all of America's problems began when we allowed ourselves to be seduced by the pinko, pacifistic false version of Jesus found in the New Testament, letting non-Protestant foreign trash into Your divine nation and squandering time we could have been at war trying to make peace with perfectly good enemies, before renewing our hearts and joyously embracing Republican Christianity's new improved, steroid-engorged version of Jesus Christ.
I want to help eliminate the deadly disease of liberalism and assist my President and Your appointed servant on Earth to help rebuild this country into the Glorious Christian Nation it once was on the rocky shores of Puritan New England in the late 1600's.
I gladly tithe my mind and no less than 10% of my paycheck, renouncing the demons of logic and education for they will no longer hold sway in my heart, as I now have both Mr. Bush and Mr. Jesus as my co-redeemers!
Amen!
http://www.whitehouse.org/dof/invitation.aspand more: An interview with Laura
# POPULAR SCIENTIFIC MISCONCEPTION: Experimental drugs need to be tested in order to determine their efficacy and subsequently save lives.
DR. LAURA SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT: "That is just ludicrous! We don't know that giving drugs to people will have any effect — much less that they'll be anywhere near as good as Xanax. Besides, as far as I'm concerned, there has been quite enough experimentation with drugs in this household to last a millennium!"
# POPULAR SCIENTIFIC MISCONCEPTION: The way to test a theory is to submit predictions to comprehensive and rigorous experimentation.
DR. LAURA SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT: "That's preposterous! Use your heads people: how in the word can a theory sit down and take a test? Besides, even if they could, we don't even know that they'll score high enough to be legacied into Yale!"