Wednesday night I started a thread asking people to summarize George W.'s State of the Union address in 25 words or less, promising an imaginary prize to the winner. Well, there are so many good entries that it was impossible to pick just one, so here are my picks.
The whole thread is available here:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=104x3047653MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS AWARD
This goes to Oreo, for being first out the gate with an extremely popular two-word summary:
"Bush lied."Oreo wins the opportunity to contribute a leading article to next month's issue of
Clue By Four, a journal devoted expressly to helping our Congressional Democrats grasp the blindingly obvious realities that they seem to have so much trouble accepting. Good luck, Oreo! Hope it sinks in!
BEST ENTRY THAT BROKE THE RULES
Many of the entries were excellent, but way longer than 25 words. THis one, posted by b..., was outrageously over length, but nevertheless a thing of beauty:
"My fellow Republicans. Everything good with you? I'm feeling pretty good. Had that war (APPLAUSE)... had a great vote there (APPLAUSE). i got a woman up there who voted. she's pretty happy, so i don't know why some of you are so grumpy bout this whole war thingie. I'll exploit her for personal gain later.
let me explain to you how Social Security works. You put money in, you get it when you retire. Problem is, if you're under 55, you won't get it... that's my guarantee. It's going bankrupt. (APPLAUSE) Let me explain to you my plan to take your money and put it in a private account and then watch how my friends get rich from the money you invest in them... money you won't get back. or maybe you'll get 10-20% so i don't look that evil. Let me say a quick shout out to the folks on the other side of the aisle, cause i think they're saying hello. Everythings on the table democrats. Okay, that should shut them up. (APPLAUSE) Ownership Society.
Syria is probably coming up with ways to destroy 'Merica now, so's Iran. We got democracy everywhere else, why not there? Afghanistan is looking pretty good to me, Iraq's coming along just nicely. Freedom is never looking so good. (APPLAUSE)
Marriage must be protected from activist judges that are so active one day one of them will outlaw marriage. then where would we be? with the queers. I don't want that, do you? (APPLAUSE) So we must ban lawyers from receiving money and gays from receiving marriage! (BIG APPLAUSE)
'Merica is a place where we do not discriminate against other people like me, good folks as we in Texas would call me. Everyone should be included. Did i talk about gays yet? How they're not included? Yeah? Good. Criminals are included, we're gonna help them, so long as they're not.. you know.
I made some jobs and I planted some seeds of democracy. Unfortunately, when you plant seeds, you got to tear up the earth. You can't plant a seed on top. Sometimes I use people as my shovel. Let me tell you about one of my shovels. He died protecting our freedoms. Let's bring out his parents! You've just won a new car! (APPLAUSE)
Okay, that just about does it from here. love those purple fingers!
hmm, I was going to say something about the environment, energy conservation, veteran & death benefits, tsunami relief, genocide in africa, and a whole list of other things... maybe next term. I shoulda said some more about education, and maybe actually talked details with you folks, but that's what the closed door meetings are for, right? right? (APPLAUSE)
okay then, good night blah blah, may god continue to bless this mess.
(APPLAUSE)"b... will be getting an autographed copy of my book for aspiring writers,
How To Bloat Your Word Count Till No Agent Will Agree To Represent You. Good luck, my ellipsistic friend!
WHEEL OF FORTUNE AWARD
This one goes to Endangered Specie, who managed to do the entire entry using only two vowels:
"BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT. BULLSHIT."For that wonderfully laconic yet expressive synopsis, Endangered Specie will receive a copy of
Roget's Thesaurus, Special Scatological Edition. We look forward to seeing some new synonyms next year, ES!
BEST ENTRY BY A NEWBIE/LURKER
This category is devoted to entries by DUers who have racked up 10 posts or fewer, and the winner is Karla in Ohio, for her succinct summation with bonus analysis:
"Democracies everywhere! (applause)
Syria and Iran, watch out! (applause)
Social Security privatization! (Dems: whoa Nellie! Pugs: Wild applause!)
Protect marriage and "culture of life!" (applause)
War heroes and their sacrifice! (cue hugging of alleged Iraqi human rights protester and mother of slain soldier)
Quote dead Democratic president! (obligatory God Bless America ending)
What's also interesting is what wasn't said:
Osama who?
Torture, what torture?
Poverty?
Crisis in Sudan?
Suffering from the tsunami?
Not a peep about any of these."Karla will receive her own copy of
From Asscroft To ZombyWoof: A DU Glossary. Enjoy your stay, Karla from Ohio!
BEST IN SHOW
After due consideration, I think the prize for best all-around entry has to go to joytomme. It has everything: it's exactly 25 words long, it actually does convey the essence of the speech, and it's monosyllabic enough for even the mainstream media to understand:
"Follow me down the yellow brick road and we will be happy and rich. God says follow me. If you don't follow me, fuck you."joytomme will recieve our grand prize: An all-expenses-paid fantasy date with either Bill Clinton or Barbara Boxer, depending on your gender and sexual preference. Let us know how you make out, joytomme!
Thanks to everyone who entered. You have all won, and you will all receive prizes!
C ya,
The Plaid Adder
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