What Would You Do?

[AutumnMist]

My husband and I bought our first home in August. Many personal and painful things have happened since we bought our first home and we have been trying to deal with them to our best abilities. One of the issues that we have dealt with (outside of the personal issues) has been the damage that happened from the ice storm that swept through the Midwest. It took down both of our 40 year old trees ( in the front and back yard) with one of our cars being damaged by the falling older limbs from the front elm. A friend (of a friend)of my husbands came down and offered to help clean up the front and back yard damage for a fee. His wife had kicked him out and he was living down the street from us with a childhood friend of my husbands. My husband told him that he would pay him for it, and that he would give him the money up front. He told us he needed the money for gas, food, etc. Well, Its been almost four weeks and he still hasn't done what he said he was going to do. The back yard is still a mess, he is asking for more money, and the chainsaw that he brought with him (which he damaged) isn't being used for its purpose. He didn't even tell us that they weren't his own tools. He left other peoples tools in our back yard. Well they wanted them back. They contacted my husband to get the tools back. He showed up at our door high, barely able to speak, and staggering last week. And asked me for more money. My husband told me we need to embrace him. To make him feel like he has a home, so he can be more open about who he is and what he is dealing with. But how much money should we give him? I mean really? I have been through enough this year! Am I wrong here? Should we clean up the rest of the yard and pay to have it done? I will invite him in for dinner and so forth, but I am not going give him 40 bucks every time he shows up at the door. I need some help here. I don't mind helping, I don't mind opening the door. But to have someone keep asking for money all the time? And lie to your face constantly? I don't want that. I'm sorry if I sound cold. Emotionally, after all that we have been through, I don't need another liar at the front door.

[Mojambo]

1. Absolutely NO more money

But it seems like your husband does care about this fellow. Perhaps you guys could help point him toward some public assistance?

It seems like treatment for substance abuse might be a good place to start.

Neither you or your husband are going to be able to get this guy straight by yourselves. Get him some help.

That's my two cents.

[AutumnMist]

6. Absolutely!

I was a substance abuse counselor before I became a stay at home mom. I knew he was Fu**** up when he came to our door during his last visit. There will be no more money given, my husband (bless his heart) trusts people. All people. And he believes that it takes a village. Not just for kids, but for the parents as well. I believe that this man needs help. I will help him find any help in rehab that he needs. But I don't think he is at that point yet. We will talk to him next time he comes around. I bit my lip when he showed up at the door last time for my husbands sake. But I won't do it anymore. I didn't agree with all the money given up front in the first place. This man was kicked out for a reason, I can only imagine why. He has kids and he is living from family to family and telling one lie after another. I will help those that truly want it. But I will not enable those who want to keep denial in their life. I have enough to deal with. Thank you all for your input. As always, its much appreciated. You guys are the best on DU! Thank you!

[seabeyond]

2. he is an user and you are enabling him

and it will go on and on. you will not get him to accept responsibility adn you will always be the one to blame

since buying this house, i have yet to find a worker that actually does the work for the money. the house trimming was it by gosh. hired someone and 6 months later storm windows still broken and in the yard. we have paid about half. it is hard to find someone just to come in, do the work and go away. need a person to clean up yard and just know i will be screwed again. a whole new revelation for me since buying a house

[Richard Steele]

3. Agree with seabeyond; You cant truly 'help' him until he helps himself.

Do _NOT_ give him any more money!

Make other arrangements to deal with your yard situation.

Sad, perhaps...but necessary.
_HE_ needs to make a conscious choice to battle his problems...and until he does that, you cannot help him. Any help you offer will simply feed his problem.

[radwriter0555]

4. You know the answer. You know you are now faced with the tough

task of having to be rough on him... and believe me when I tell you that he's put YOU in this position. It sounds like his MO really... so you can be firm, and polite and just simply say that you don't have any money to give him at the moment... and then just pay someone else to clean up the site.

When he comes again for more money, again, just decline. What else can you do? It really sucks, I'm sorry....

[CindyDale]

5. Terrible situation

Seen it from both sides.

Here is a site that you can have your husband visit if he wants to learn how to help:

http://www.drugfree.org/Intervention/HelpingOthers

[alcuno]

7. I think you should be done.

You were helping him in the beginning, but not anymore. Showing up wasted at your door and asking for money is crossing the line. Pay someone else to clean up your yard and deny him more cash.

Your husband may believe that you should embrace this guy, but you might want to consider that he's likely scaring you. When someone shows up asking for money in that state you have to wonder what happens when you say "no" or when it's not enough.

Honestly, I wouldn't invite him for dinner or into my home until he got his life back together. People who have hit the bottom are very tough to deal with because it's constant manipulation for them to get something.

[AutumnMist]

8. I Agree!

:mad:

[WLKjr]

9. Your being totally rational about it

Your right, you shouldn't have to give that dude money all the time. You have done a lot so far. Sounds to me like the guy is sort of depressed but he is getting drunk all the time becuase of it. Maybe recommend an AA class or something and get to the unemployement office.