"Your father Satan must be very proud."

[OldSoldier]

One of Fayetteville's more entertaining characters is James Lancaster, Fayetteville's Best Christian. This guy is a real-life Betty Bowers, except he doesn't realize he's a parody.

If you write an anti-Bush letter to the local paper, you get a letter from Mr. Lancaster. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a nice little letter to the paper. Nothing too harsh--I just said Bush killed over 300 American troops by lying us into an unnecessary war and needs to go to jail, along with his entire administration, for the rest of his natural life. Like I said, nothing harsh or fallacious at all.

Last night the James Lancaster letter arrived. This one wasn't as much fun as the last one--there was no little drawing of one of God's Kids in the envelope. (Yes, you are quite right, God's Kids is just one step away from Jerry's Kids.) But it did have much to commend it for entertainment value:

* My father Satan must be very proud. (In his last letter he declared me the Spawn of Satan. I felt honored.)
* He said that the sooner all of the Devilcrats would die and go to hell, the happier it would make him and all the other saints.
* The more you liberal Devilcrats hate President Bush, the more we true patriots love him. (He's also a real-life Bob Boudelang, but I don't want to print off Mr. Boudelang's rants because James Lancaster wouldn't realize the author is a libera

There was a bunch of other stuff, but I didn't have the time to translate it because I had to go put tarps on plywood last night (he has atrocious handwriting; I wonder if he'd take offense if I went to Hope Harbor Christian Mission, bought a used typewriter and gave it to him, for if he's going to continue to write to me, it would be nice if I could read it!). My evil twin cousin Skippy will add more to this later on tonight.

I'm not worried about him stalking me; this is an old coot who's basically harmless. The high points of his week seem to be going to church every night and passing out tracts in the supermarket parking lot, so if James Lancaster wants to believe I'm the spawn of Satan, I'll make him happy and be the spawn of Satan.

[KCDem]

1. lol, wonder if he's related to Fred Phelps?

He sounds like a total character. :puke:

Guess the thought that Jesus was a liberal never crossed his mind?

[OldSoldier]

4. This is the guy who's responsible...

for the local paper's "one letter every six weeks" policy. Before they instituted that, James Lancaster sent them a letter every day, and when they had an empty space, they'd run one. Which, of course, meant they were running James Lancaster's letters about twenty times a month.

Now they don't run his letters at all. Theory: the one person who could read his handwriting died.

We do still get the recurring rants of our local Anti-Porn Guy, who's determined that he's going to get the porn out of the local library. No, not the internet thing--he sees porn in the books! One of them is "History Laid Bare," there are two others I don't remember, and of course they have both "Daddy's Roommate" and "Heather Has Two Mommies."

My wife says we should invite him to dinner. We'll play Ozzy, use lots of profanity and serve a meal that violates the entire Mosaic Code.

[Ashcroft Kutcher]

2. That guy sounds like Crazy Rita from my neighborhood.

Don't people realize that when you make a real deal reference to Satan it automatically makes you a whack job.

[sistersofmercy]

3. Devilcrats? He wrote that? HAHA what a silly human mutant!!!

[OldSoldier]

7. He likes "LIEberals" too.

Like I said, a real Bob Boudelang--except that he doesn't work at the fish market nor live in Daisyview Trailer Court.

[sistersofmercy]

15. I'm sorry, I can only laugh at the ignorance!!!

Personally, I'd have to do something to really get him in an uproar. Like send him a note, Thank You for your kind words it is wonderful to know you're thinking of me in times like these. My prayers are with you and my God bless you!

[kodi]

5. write to him thanking the lord that at least YOU know who your father is.

.

[StopTheMorans]

6. what an utter moran!

that would be frightening if it weren't so damn sad/amusing:)

[ozymandius]

8. To be cursed by the devil is to be truly blessed.

Perhaps you should grade the letter on its handwriting, grammar, spelling and content. Then send it back to him.

He sounds harmless to me.

[uberotto]

9. You're lucky he just writes letters...

I wrote an editorial for a local paper a few years ago and the town I was living in at the time had a character much like your James Lancaster. But this guy didn't write letters, he got my phone number and would call me three or four times a day offering to "save me from eternal damnation" and telling me that if I would just come to his church and renounce Satan, he would try his best to save my soul.

It took about four days, but I finally hit on the right sequence of profanities to convince him that he wansn't nearly man enough to take on the job of saving my soul, so he finally quit calling.

[proud patriot]

10. Well at least he signs his name to it

The 2 hate mail letters I have recieved after writing
LTTE didn't have a return address and were not signed.

[DIKB]

11. hello fellow Arkie :)

Russellville here. I've been itching to write a letter to the Democrat-Gazette for a while now. Can I look forward to getting a "Satan-Spawn" letter as well ?

People like this are too common here in Arkansas, heck they're too common in this nation PERIOD.

[Don_G]

12. You Ought To Send Him The Onion Article

Where Bill Gates bought out Satan and now has the monopoly on all Evil.

[karlschneider]

13. LOL...I know a few weirdos like that. Um, which Fayetteville?

;-)
Oh, never mind, I see which one from ur profile. (I was curious because I live not far from Fayetteville, AR)

[Bossy Monkey]

14. But how do you send him his Father's Day card? (n/t)

[meegbear]

16. Show it to a columnist at the paper ...

it would make a great column.