I'm Becoming a Republican

[TOOLZ]

That's it. It's too much to bear. This liberal heart of mine only breaks and breaks and lives by breaking -- the murder in Iraq, the helpless in Darfur, the rights taken from us every day under pretense of security and religious superiority. But if I can just put those big myopic right wing blinders on, then I could get through the day. Ultimately, we all wish what Bush says is true -- like saying that we're turning a corner in Iraq, that we don't torture prisoners, that we are winning the war on terror. So I'm just going to do that because it's easier.

And then I'll get really angry at any other liberals that try to take that shard of sanity away from me and write hateful things online and cheer Ann Coulter's every sentence, even jumping in to cheer before she's finished. And then I'll scare my fellow citizens into more invasive policing, trusting that police and federal invesitgators have a right to sort through their private records to probe for terrorism, and anyone hired to police has to be infallible. And then I'll yell at people who try to end life, at abortion clinics or through euthanasia, because I am sanctimonious and Christian, even though I will not care what happens to the unwanted children or poor parents or dying people who can't afford better health care.

(continued at )

[Inland]

1. Resistance is Futile. You will be Assemblelated. nt

[WLKjr]

2. The force is strong with you TOOLZ

but you are not a (insert anything but jedi here) yet.

[sinkingfeeling]

3. Here you go, this might help!

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it
wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as
college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I
headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line.

It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
"Porky's."

Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today, I registered to vote as a Republican...

[TOOLZ]

5. woah...way too much thinking going on there

you damn cultural elite with your jabbering

[Snotcicles]

4. Have you tasted Soylent Green? Yummmm n/t