Ask the self important redneck.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

(I'm not really a redneck, but I live in Alabama and do a pretty good Slingblade dialog.)

I'm sure a lot of you have preconceived notions of the South. Thanks to Southerner James Dickey's Deliverance, our Northern brothers get a little antsy when they get lost in the foothills of the Appalachians.

If you have any questions, I'll do my best to give you the skinny on getting by in the South.

:toast:

[OrlandoGator]

1. How does one blend in when they have all their teeth?

Is walking around barefoot a good cover?

I live in Florida, the South is north of me.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

3. Most folks here are better toothed than myself....

ever since the dentists arrived, things have changed a bit.

:toast:

[proud2BlibKansan]

2. Do you have a Dixie flag hanging on your house?

When I am in the south, I seem to see them everywhere.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

4. No, don't see too many of them any more...

but those people scare me as well. (They usually have them next to a Bush?Cheney poster now)

[proud2BlibKansan]

16. We see a fair amount of them here in MO

And I just don't get it.

Once when I was a kid, I was with my dad and we were going to a store to get something he needed. Don't remember exactly what it was. But we drove around and had trouble finding this shop. I remember I was helping him navigate. When we finally found it, we pulled in and there was this Dixie flag in the window. My dad put the car in reverse and said he didn't want to shop there. I didn't understand why at the time but when I was older, I figured it out. My dad hated racism with a passion. And I am sure he associated that flag with racism.

[UdoKier]

5. SNAP!

Harsh parody thread title.

But well-aimed and well-deserved...

[kittenpants]

6. do you feel like everyone around you is a rethuglican?

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

11. The answer is....

You betcha! Even a lot of the Dems here are somewhat DINOs.

[Tsiyu]

7. How do you make a good chicken fried steak?

I need to know.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

13. THIS is an important question.

The secret is double dipping.

Dust cubed steak in flour, dip in a mixture of milk & egg, then dip in flour that has been salt & pepperd to taste.

Fry it in a cast iron skillet with a quarter inch of preheated oil.

Mmmmmmm Good!

[Tsiyu]

28. Oh, Thank you, thank you!

Hot grease is my friend! :beer:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

40. Proper southern way to make sure the grease is hot enough:

Run you fingers under the faucet and flick a few drops into the grease. If you get a good spatter, it's ready.

WARNING: Do not do this nekkid!

[merh]

8. Do you prefer canned beer or bottled beer or draft beer?

:beer: :toast: :beer:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

15. Bottled! Ya gotta have something to swing when someone stares

at your girl or says something untoward your mother!

[merh]

24. Oh, well that makes sense.

I was thinkin' canned so you could spit your chew in it and smash it against your head to prove you were tuff, but your logic makes better sense. :crazy:

[sweetheart]

9. How do southerners take censorship?

The myth is that the south is pro-censorship, what do you think? ;-)

What is the re-entry speed of a flying znarp? :-)

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

17. All in all.... I think we take it better than others in this country.

See Capote, Faulkner... A shitload of Southern writers.

[sweetheart]

54. Do you like police?

Do you find it sexy? Is there something to be flipped off?
Does your lover wear black knickers with handcuffs and a taser?

:-)

How do you handle the mosquitos? Do you have a mostquito killer lamp?
Do you have cotton mouths near your place? Have you ever run in to
that territorial animal?

Do you notice racism more in the south, the divided communities,
unmentioned segregation and all?

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

56. Mosquitoes? Citronella candles and try not to scratch at the bites.

Cottonmouths? I have a neighbor that's been bitten twice and I have had more than my share of run ins with them.

Racism? very rarely, I've lived in racially mixed neighborhoods for the last 25 years. In years past, it was prevalent.

We moved here in 1961 from MO and I remember seeing drinking fountains that had signs "white" and "colored." I was 6 and ran to the one marked colored because I really wanted some of that colored water that was advertised. It had to taste like grape juice or kool aid! I was disappointed. It was clear just like all that other water.
(true story)

[Dave Reynolds]

10. Is chicken-fried chicken

a redundancy?

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

18. Even I don't know the answer to that....

there's some things we just don't talk about.

[katinmn]

12. I almost married someone from the south and I have been planning

to write a short story about it. The working title is:

"When two worlds collide."

LOL.

I hate stereotypes. I don't lump southerners together. We have Minnesota rednecks, too.

But thanks for the offer!

[democracyindanger]

14. What's more pathetic

The person who seeks attention by announcing his profession and opening himself up to questions, or the the person who is so jealous that they aren't receiving as much--or more--attention that they attack the first person?

[UdoKier]

19. I don't think that's what the parody is about.

It's about the haughty, self-important, above-everyone-else air of the parodied post.

And it's pretty light-hearted, for an "attack".

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

21. I am definitely the most pathetic human being to ever breath air on

this earth.

for that, I beg your forgiveness and ask the boon of drawing but a few more breaths.

[democracyindanger]

29. Hey, I'm not asking for an apology

I'm also not somebody who felt the necessity of starting a thread mocking some other OP because my snarky comments within that thread were largely ignored.

Pretty ironic, though. You know, somebody basically accusing another about being an attention whore, then starting a thread about it and becoming an attention whore themselves.

Whatever. Knock yourself out.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

37. Thank you for your kindness, Sir or Ma'am

Your indulgence and participation in my endeavor is greatly appreciated,

[Lars39]

20. But how do we know you are giving out reliable advice on the South?

Did you start this thread because someone else was giving unreliable information on the South? ;)

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

25. No. So often we see stereotypes of the South being played here

and in a lot of "entertainment."

Just wanted to have a little fun with it.

[Lars39]

27. I wasn't serious.

It was a play on the *other* OP. :hi:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

39. Forest Gump here.

:toast:

[BleedingHeartPatriot]

22. As someone of the female persuasion..Ok so I have four kids

and not from the same daddy, but, I can't help it, OK, my ex'es aren't working and you know, I don't need their help anyway, but, if I'm willing to sleep with you right away, you'll probably think of marrying me down the road, I'm that good, but, if not, well, screw you, because there's a lot of guys out there that would kill to be with me, so you'd better not pull that redneck s**t on me, been there, done that.

I sort of paraphrased my southern friends who were in the "you can take the girl out of the country, but" zone.

During my years as a female in the military, I met these girls and women from the southern states who were tough as nails and yet had these raging insecurities and seemed to feel reproduction was mandatory.

And, southern men are supposed to be the epitome of manners and treating their womenfolk with respect.

Sooo, self important redneck male, what's up with the way ya'll make your womenfolk feel, for lack of a better word, confused? MKJ

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

31. Why, it appears, Ma'am that the two ends of the chivalrous spectrum

are represented with aplomb here in the land of magnolias.

Unfortunately, the points between the ends are sorely under represented.

Many of the young ladies from the South that enter the Armed Services are usually from families (See Lyndie England) which would attract such miscreants as you describe (And many are not...) . For one of the better views of modern Southern class inequalities read Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.

[BleedingHeartPatriot]

44. Ahh, I see, those conflicted authors to which you referred earlier

are probably perfect as guides to the points in between. (Faulkner and Capote)

However, since neither authored "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil"...I'd love to hear more about this work.

Please enlighten someone who is intrigued by Southern ambivalence...what does this work say? and who wrote it?

I actually love the Southern literary voice...could you find anything more layered regarding relationships? And I'm talking layers that would put an onion to shame.

In fact, I think the earth's geological layers would barely be a ripple compared to Southerners' family and romantic lives.

The feminist in me compels me to ask, do I hear the faintest tinge of the infamous "Madonna/whore" complex tinkling in the background of your post? Is this a syndrome representative of the males of the South as a whole?

MKJ

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

53. It was written by John Berendt based on true events.

A antiquarian murders his gay "friend" and a multi layered story develops. Great read and movie.

Google the title and you can find much better descriptions than I can offer.

I have been guilty of the Madonna/whore thought process in my youth, but the years have taught me better.

:toast:

[BleedingHeartPatriot]

55. I'm glad to hear an enlightened Southern gentleman remark

on the benefit of breaking away from the Madonna/whore mindset...

Combine that enlightened view with the basic chivalry inherent in Southern men and you are an uber male.

BTW, your book suggestion is the next novel I intend to read. MKJ

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

57. After reading tons of Raich and Plath's poetry, something had to give.

Now.... Maybe Medea/Madonna?

LOL

You'll enjoy the read!

[BleedingHeartPatriot]

58. LOL, always needing to have the Yin and Yang...

I began to write up a pretentious sort of post, talking about whether the Madonna aspect was actually the "light" and that perhaps one should look at the Plath view as the enlightened arena in representing the ....

and then I started to dissect the Medea vs. whore reference...

But all of a sudden I realized...


This is a redneck thread!

And, ironically, the most literate exchange I've engaged in for months.

Thanks, and keep promoting the well-read redneck. MKJ

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

61. A redneck on Plath.... (tongue firmly in cheek) (look for Emily as well)

Poetry From Another Dimension Where Sylvia and Adrienne Have Testes

Like the Hindenburg you float
about my psyche, waiting for saint Elmo
to ignite your hydrogen temper.
"Oh my God! I can't believe it! Oh my God!
She's Burning...They're fallinq from the sky."

Oh, Mother Earth your teat was sweet,
and filled for just a year.
Then quickly sagged as I filled up,
taking away the nourishments of love
you spat about in faerie tales.

She dog, she dog. You
loathsome Delilah, snipping at my hair.
Sphinx-like smugness in your rigor.
Morte, morte, morte.
You bleed me cause you do.

You know you hold your candles well,
you're brass to wax and string
which burns brightly
if not briefly. But you know there's other candles.
You make them all yourself.

I am pliable like beeswax,
inspired by a queen,
to stand and show red hourglass
waiting yet to mate...
devoured when the act is done.

Down, down, down,
the wilted carcass slips,
to lie among the wreckage,
to die among the wreckage,
as mantis-like, you prey for more

Holding scissors, lower still.
Teasing in your voice, making up
for when the boys tied June bugs
to the strings of springtimes past.
"Vasectomy is vengeance, Dear, hold your breath
Don't scream."

You genetic Judas goat of silk-
lined wetness to entice,
your pheromone scent and lotus petals...
You're Medea with a knife.
And I'm drawn like a fly to sugared glue

To land and eat a final meal
of sugared glue.
Of sugared glue.
You are Hitler,
I am Jew.
Without Judea.



Oh, but you still blow me
away. Though I've mandrake root and
belladonna, your witchcraft still gets through
like winter wind, it catches up my pant-leg.
Chilling to the bone.

You stand about, a loaded gun,
with a chambered bullet, me.
waiting to discharge that load,
into my heart goes me. Powered
by your powder. Your rouge, your oils, your cream,

You say that I'm a vampire,
feeding on your blood. But blood is bait,
and bait is blood, waiting to congeal
and crust...over the festering sore
you see as me.

Go see a doctor! Get it fixed!
your plumbing's all fucked up!
I'm not your tool, I'm still my own.
I won't share my guilt with you.
You're the Hindenburg of guilt and you think it's just gas.


End

[dweller]

23. Dear Unca TYJ,

Planning a simple soiree here honoring our oldest daughter's half sister's twice removed cousin-in-law's graduation, and need to pair up our dinner menu with beverages.

Is it white, or red gravy with grits?

dp

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

33. You poor person. You don't have gravy with grits, you have gravy with

biscuits!

I suggest a milk based gravy with sausage chunks....

Make it with bacon or sausage drippings... Mmmmmmmm.

Redeye gravy is essentially coffee grounds, grease and a little flour and milk. Yeach.

[dweller]

36. thank you

that's settled, then we'll have the red-eye with our dessert of hominy puddin'.

ya'll come on by.
dp

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

41. You, my unfortunate friend, shall never make it as a cook in a Southern

restaurant.

[dweller]

46. why, thank ya

:blush: i do try...for a moment there i detected a faint whiff of facetiousness in your remarks. I was afraid you'd recommend shrimps in my grits...


lawsa.
dp

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

49. Who, me????!!!! Be facetious?

Why, I never!

Good googely woogely! I don't even know what that means!

LOL. :toast:

[QC]

59. Sir, how dare you impugn the honor of fine redeye gravy?

When well made, it is the nectar of the Gods.

Just country ham grease, black pepper, and strong, black coffee. Anything else is an abomination. Oh yeah, you need some big cat head biscuits to soak it up with.

[Canadian Socialist]

26. I hope you realize

that, to me, Montana is the South.:evilgrin:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

35. My Great grandfather is from Manitoba.... Here, that makes us cousins.

Wanna go out?

[MrSandman]

30. What are double first cousins?

[Lars39]

32. I think I know this one!

The offspring of 2 sets of brothers or sisters who marry brothers or sisters.

[MrSandman]

38. If you are saying...

Two cousins with only four grandparents, right.

Damn, that is hard for me to say even though I have known many sets.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

42. Southern Genealogy explained:

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me mad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!


Hear it here: http://www.countrywhispers.com/immygrandpa/

[MrSandman]

48. Love that song...nt

[spacelady]

60. Well who gets to baby-sit?

[Pithlet]

34. What's with the smokeless tobacco?

I moved to the south seven years ago. The first social event I attended I was sitting and conversing with a charming, well dressed young southern gentlemen, and imagine my shock when he whipped out the skoal and a spitting container! He and the rest of the crowd laughed at the poor unsuspecting yankee and the look on her face.

All kidding aside, I'm sure they do that in the north as well, but seriously, I'd never seen anyone outside of a major league baseballer do that before.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

43. I don't know for sure, but it started growing when smoking bans

started becoming more prevelant.

http://www.countrywhispers.com/immygrandpa/

[Pithlet]

45. Yeah, but isn't that trend a northern thing?

Overall? It seems that smoking in public is more accepted here in the south. I even went to a McDonalds recently outside of Jackson, TN that allowed smoking. I hadn't seen that in years.

And, I really wasn't serious about the smokeless tobacco thing. I realize that isn't a southern thing. It was just a running joke with me and my southern friends after I was shocked about this person's penchant for chew. They sometimes like to rib me good naturedly about my uptight yankeeness. Your post made me think of that.

[NuttyFluffers]

47. literati-amateur or craftsmen-professional Ming dynasty painting?

preferred emphasis in intricate harmonious detail or liberated impressionistic brushstrokes?

which goes best with the ante-bellum decor?

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

50. French Provincial is the accepted paradigm.

Neo grecco is also accepted.

:toast:

[Sparkly]

51. Can a Democrat from the Northeast win national election in the South?

If not, why not?

Do Southerners hate the North? If so, why?

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

52. Not for a while, I'm afraid. If Bush is ever brought out into the light

and the corruption is spoken of on non cable news, there's a chance.

And, no, we don't hate the north, we just can't understand your speech. You must learn Ya'll, funny papers not comics, and all soft drinks are cokes and Coca Cola is Co-cola,

:toast:

[spacelady]

62. Whenever I say "pop" in Bama, it's a dead giveaway. n/t

[Moderator]

63. Ask the self important redneck.

This seems a continuation of an issue from a previous thread which has been resolved. This still needs to be locked, though.