Excerpt from new Monty Python script!

[tuvor]

Q Scott, is the insurgency in Iraq in its 'last throes'?

McCLELLAN: Terry, you have a desperate group of terrorists in Iraq that are doing everything they can to try to derail the transition to democracy. The Iraqi people have made it clear that they want a free and democratic and peaceful future. And that's why we're doing everything we can, along with other countries, to support the Iraqi people as they move forward….

Q But the insurgency is in its last throes?

McCLELLAN: The Vice President talked about that the other day -- you have a desperate group of terrorists who recognize how high the stakes are in Iraq. A free Iraq will be a significant blow to their ambitions.

Q But they're killing more Americans, they're killing more Iraqis. That's the last throes?

McCLELLAN: Innocent -- I say innocent civilians. And it doesn't take a lot of people to cause mass damage when you're willing to strap a bomb onto yourself, get in a car and go and attack innocent civilians. That's the kind of people that we're dealing with. That's what I say when we're talking about a determined enemy.

Q Right. What is the evidence that the insurgency is in its last throes?

McCLELLAN: I think I just explained to you the desperation of terrorists and their tactics.

Q What's the evidence on the ground that it's being extinguished?

McCLELLAN: Terry, we're making great progress to defeat the terrorist and regime elements. You're seeing Iraqis now playing more of a role in addressing the security threats that they face. They're working side by side with our coalition forces. They're working on their own. There are a lot of special forces in Iraq that are taking the battle to the enemy in Iraq. And so this is a period when they are in a desperate mode.

Q Well, I'm just wondering what the metric is for measuring the defeat of the insurgency.

McCLELLAN: Well, you can go back and look at the Vice President's remarks. I think he talked about it.

Q Yes. Is there any idea how long a 'last throe' lasts for?

McCLELLAN: Go ahead, Steve....

http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2005/06/20050616-5.html

[BayouBengal07]

1. Have you seen the video?

I saw it on CSPAN. The reporter just throws his hands up in the air in desperation when Scott passes to Steve.

[tuvor]

2. Yup. And the previous day, Scottie cut the briefing off when

one reporter, an "April" pressed him for a real response about torture and the Geneva Convention.

Q Scott, on Guantanamo Bay, understanding that you're saying -- well, but the Geneva Convention does not apply to the prisoners there, looking at part three, section one, article 17, it talks about prisoners of war, but there's also, in the third paragraph, the first five words, "each party to a conflict." So I'm trying to figure out -- to understand where you are. "Conflict" with people, meaning not soldiers or soldiers, that's still something -- that still covers those people that you have in Guantanamo Bay, correct? Even if you try to say it's not war.

MR. McCLELLAN: I don't know how many times we've walked through how we came to the decision we did and why the President made the determination he did. Secretary Rumsfeld went back through it yesterday. You can go back and look at the information we put out back in 2002 that addressed this. These are individuals that do not represent a nation, they do not wear a uniform. There are reasons why we came to the conclusion they are not a party to the Geneva Convention. And the President made the determination that they were enemy combatants.

That doesn't change the way we treat detainees. Our military upholds high standards and the values and laws that we hold dear. And the detainees at Guantanamo Bay are being treated humanely and they are being treated in a way that is consistent with the Geneva conventions, as we have pointed out. They are being provided meals, clothing, medical care; they are being treated very humanely. That's the way the United States military operates. If there are individuals that act contrary to the military's standards and our own laws and values, then they are held accountable, and they have been held accountable.

Q Okay, but the line has been obscured between the Geneva Convention and your law. But you're saying they've been treated humanely. The Geneva Convention, even in this article, article 17, it talks about each party to a conflict, okay. And then going down a couple paragraphs, it says, no physical or mental torture. Is dropping water on the head, keeping them up all night, making them stand, is that consistent with your laws? It is consistent with the Geneva Convention, saying no physical or mental torture, but --

MR. McCLELLAN: I talked about this the other day, about all interrogation techniques that have been approved are lawful and consistent with our obligations. That was pointed out in a briefing a year ago here at the White House, a briefing with the White House counsel, with the Department of Defense counsel and his deputy, and the deputy head of Army intelligence. And they walked everybody through this.

Now, I think one of the individuals you may be referencing is a gentleman named Mr. Kahtani. Mr. Kahtani was someone that we believe intended to be one of the hijackers on September 11th. Those attacks killed 3,000 innocent civilians. This is a very dangerous individual who has provided us with valuable intelligence. And so I would encourage you to go back and look at the briefing that took place a year ago, and that walked you all through all these very issues, because these questions have been addressed.

And in terms of individuals who have taken actions that are contrary to our military standards and to our own values and laws, let's talk about that for a second, because I want to point that out. We've had some 525,000 people serving in Iraq, Afghanistan or at Guantanamo Bay, men and women in uniform who are committed to not only upholding our values and laws, but helping to advance freedom around the world and give people rights that they have not had previously.

And so I think you have to look at the overall context here. And I take strong exception to any characterizations that try to diminish what our military is doing, and the standards and values that they adhere to, because the 99 percent plus of our men and women in uniform who are serving and sacrificing in defense of freedom are also making sure that those laws and those values and those standards are upheld.

Q But Scott, you --

MR. McCLELLAN: Thank you.

Q No, no, no, Scott --

MR. McCLELLAN: Thank you.

Q You have given -- he did not say thank you. (Laughter.) Scott, but you have -- you have --

MR. McCLELLAN: Actually, April -- April, he did say thank you. I will see you. Thank you.

[xray s]

3. It does have a familiar ring to it!

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a slug.

Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.

(pause)

Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

[NewJeffCT]

4. Where is Jeff Gannon when you need him?

I mean, wouldn't Scott have normally gone to him after that first follow-up?

[oppositionmember]

5. Unless I miss my guess...

that was Steve Holland, former UPI reporter, one of the last living journalists in Washington.