dems run Jesus in 08...Rove's TV ads destroy the candidate

[bobbieinok]

in The Door, a religious satire magazine

http://www.wittenburgdoor.com/archives/candidatejesus.html

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"All right, everybody. Remember, none of us had anything to do with any of this. No contact with the committees. The President was as surprised as the rest of us when these commercials hit the airwaves day after tomorrow."

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"What did Jesus ever say about taxes?" asked Dick.
"You know, render unto Caesar? He also hung out with tax collectors, right? Matthew? Zaccheus? Watch the spot."
What else, Karl?"

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Rove pointed the remote control again and the committee's credentials popped onto the screen. "This one's about socialized medicine."

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The ad was a 30-second re-enactment of a few of Jesus' miracles with a sarcastic announcer doing the voice-over. "Jesus believes in Free Health care for everybody. But who will pay the doctors? You and me, our families, that's who. And that will require new taxes. Jesus! How much more can we afford? Paid for by the Christian Veterans for Truth, not affiliated with any political candidate."

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"If you nail him on family values, you're a genius," said Dick.
Rove said, "Just watch."
The spot began with the 14th chapter of Matthew in which Jesus told his followers to despise their families and follow him. It showed men in robes, the disciples, saying goodbye to wives and children and falling in line behind Jesus.

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..."Explanations don't carry near the force of accusations. After this runs for the week, He'll be cast as the anti-family-values candidate and have to spend the rest of the election trying to explain that charge while we're leveling new ones."

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"There's more-you'd never realize how soft on crime he was until you read the Gospels," Rove said. "Did you know he forgave a prostitute and also saved an adulteress from stoning?"
"Weak on capital punishment," agreed W.
"Wants everyone to have eternal life," said McLellan.
"Including criminals," added Dick. "He pardoned the one on the cross, you know."
"That's all included," said Rove.
W. pursed his lips. "Those poor Democrats won't know what hit 'em."
"They outsmarted themselves, nominating Jesus, thinking we'd back off," Dick chortled.
"This may destroy their party," said the President. "If they can't win with Jesus, who lived a perfect life but is on the wrong side of all our issues, who can they win with?"