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So, I was feeling creative tonight. Hope you enjoy!
Dear Georgie,
I have heard some disparaging news of late that you and your flunkies have made some rather lame attempts at imitating my leadership style.
My apprentice has informed me that your choices of some words and phrases are very similar to mine, such as "resolve, strong, secure, and safe". In addition you had the unmitigated gall to make his line your own without so much as a simple acknowledgment. Henceforth, when you feel the need to use the line "If you are not with us, you are with the terrorists", or any such similar line, you are to remit payment of 100,000 imperial credits directly to me. That line is intellectual property of the Empire, and is copyrighted throughout the universe. Payment shall not be made in dollars, as your term in office has made them worthless. Also, please do not use the word "steadfast" anymore, as that sounds funny coming from a man who so closely resembles a chimpanzee.
Due to the unsettling things that my apprentice has told me of you, I decided to do a little research of my own. I have pirated video of speeches which I was able to convert to holonet format from your internet.
After watching these videotapes, I am wondering if you were able to complete grade school, or if you were absent all the days of school in which English was taught. I have one word for you: nu-cle-ar. If I was unable to pronounce Death Star, I would look an utter imbecile in the minds of my subjects. You have control of the largest nuclear arsenal in your world, and you cannot pronounce the word.
I am wondering what the hump is on your back? Yoda and I are quite old, and at least have a reason for the hunches. Is that some sort of receiver? If so, you are paying the chap that barks into it for you a little too much. I know a wookie who might be of assistance to you in that arena.
I have been reading up on your "military" service, or lack thereof. I think that all of your life's failures, in business, and in politics goes back to your inability to accept responsibility for your actions. If I missed a physical at the Sith Academy, I would have had to go an hour in the lightning chamber. It appears, that in your youth, you could have used an hour in the lightning chamber.
Now, on to this illegal war. It was interesting how you got approval to go to war. When I watched the footage on the lead up to the war, I had a wicked sense of deja-vu. In war, though, you should be better off for having waged it. The Empire is as strong as ever. The Imperial Credit is higher than ever. My stormtroopers are well paid and well equipped to deal with the rebel scum. Morale is high. In your illegal war, it seems the rebels are getting the best of you. It all comes down to leadership. If everything did not proceed as foreseen, then you have failed as a leader.
Oh, and how could I forget...the election! I saw you shortly after the "election" boasting of "political capital" that you had to spend because it is "your style". It is obvious that your "victory" did not get you much political capital, because you spent it already on a losing battle over Social Security.
I wonder, if you did not find it curious that after an obvious victory for your opponent, you suddenly "won"? It was through my manipulation of the force that I was able to cause the optical scan machines to give you the election. Do not think that anything you did gave you a victory. I had received knowledge that your opponent, John Kerry, had a distant ancestor on the Jedi Council, so I could not risk a victory by him.
I will wrap this up by giving you a little advice. Do not talk the talk if you have not walked the walk. You could not win in hand to hand combat with a dwarf ewok, so try not to talk tough anymore. It only makes you look silly. If you persist in your weak pursuit of greatness in emulating my leadership style, I shall have the Death Star hiding behind your moon in less than 12 parseks.
I have not used my trippy blue lightning on anybody since I threw Mace Windu out of my Chancellor's office. It has been quite a few years, and I am getting itchy trigger fingers, if you know what I mean.
It is my hope that I will hear nothing further from your blue planet, and I am able to deal the insignificant rebellion here.
Now, I shall deal with more important matters. There is a whiny kid on Tatooine I must deal with.
Ciao,
Palpatine, First Emperor of the Universe.
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