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Mr. Karl Rove
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Re: Your Possible Indictment
Dear Mr. Rove:
I am one of your biggest fans. I’ve never written you before, but I am now because it looks like you could use my help. I was watching CNN last night and they had all kinds of pictures of you posted in a story about “leaks” involving some guy named Wilson and his wife --that CIA agent, whose name I can’t remember now. You looked pretty good in the pictures. Great suit!
Anyway, in the news stories everyone was saying that you might get indicted. Lots of us here in the Midwest know that you are “Bush’s Brain”. All the talk about your getting indicted has us worried. Wow! Just think! There are still more than three years left on President Bush’s term. There’s no telling what kind of trouble the country could get into if the President doesn't have his “Brain” around for the next three years!
That’s what moved me to write this letter. I want to donate the enclosed $10.00 to your criminal defense fund. I know it isn’t much, but I know from past experience with indicted Republicans that when it comes to criminal defense funds every little bit helps!
Our local newspaper mentioned that you have already hired a good criminal defense attorney. Smart move! When I was studying for my citizenship examination, I read somewhere that once you get a subpoena in the U.S. it’s always a good idea to get a criminal defense attorney right away and let him do your talking for you. But since you haven't been indicted before and may not know this, I wanted to give you a heads-up on criminal attorneys. They don’t come cheap. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about. My cousin, Istvan Toth, recently had to pay over $2,500.00 to his criminal lawyer in connection with a recent drunk driving charge. And Istvan was just small potatoes. With you being “Bush’s Brain” and all, I’ll bet your criminal attorney will cost you a real bundle. I did a Google search on your lawyer, Robert Luskin, and read that his last client (who had stolen money from a pension fund) had to pay him over $400,000 in legal fees in the form of gold bars and another $100,00 from a Swiss bank account. That's when I realized that you could use some help.
So, feel free to use my $10.00 any way you want. If you’d rather save it to buy cigarettes in the prison commissary in case your trial doesn’t come out too well, that’s OK too.
It's a funny thing about indictments. With Democrats it’s usually about women and sex. With Republicans, its usually about dirty political tricks or money. Hey, we all have our faults! I try not to be too judgmental.
Anyway, here’s hoping you beat those charges and continue to serve your useful role as “Bush's Brain”. Don’t let that possible indictment get you down. Remember, Michael Jackson beat his rap. Maybe you will too!
One last bit of advice. I read where the President refers to you affectionately as “Turd Blossom”. The article said that this was because you remind him of some kind of Texas flower that grows out of cow patties. That’s OK, I guess, but I don’t think it’s so good for your image – particularly if you are under indictment. You might want to mention this to the President the next time you talk strategy with him.
Your friend,
Lazlo Toth
Voting for Republicans (both indicted and unindicted) since 1952!
(Inspired by Don Novello and his Lazlo Toth Letters)
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