If this doesn't make you a feminist . . .

[knitter4democracy]

We just found out that my 19 y.o. SIL was drugged at a party and raped last night. She went there with some friends, and she made the mistake of taking a drink from a guy. Next thing she knows, she wakes up in some apartment somewhere in NYC (where she's been studying this summer). Thank goodness she had the presence of mind to go to the cops, and she spent all day with the police and at the hospital where they gave her many drugs to deal with all the shit that's possible.

She's a virgin--never even had a pelvic exam. Our in-laws are conservative evangelicals, and she'd gone to Olivet Nazarene this last year. My MIL is just sick, we're just sick, and my hubby is seething mad. Thank goodness MIL was actually in favor of EC (always has been, actually, which is odd, considering how she feels about abortion) and was hoping that she got it at the hospital.

I don't even want to tell her the "success" rate of rape convictions. I'm sure she knows, at least deep down, that this could get horribly ugly.

My poor SIL. I don't even know what to say or how to help from so far away. I'm going to go knit. :cry:

[UCSBLiberalCat53]

1. OMG

*hugs, I know this isn't much but my condolences to your SIL and you. aNOTHER thing that also makes this possible is the blame we place on the victim. This needs to stop. Rape is NEVER the victim's fault no matter what.

[knitter4democracy]

4. Damn straight!

Her mom started going on and on about taking the drink, and it was all I could do not to yell at her that it's not her fault. She did nothing wrong--that sick bastard did. I just hope they get him before he gets another woman.

She's lucky she's alive, frankly. How many women are transported to somewhere else and don't make it out alive?

[UCSBLiberalCat53]

29. I'm thankful for that!

I'm glad that you understand though, society has a long way to go before it accepts the fact that we seem to condone it by blaming the victim. We had an incident like that in UCSB 5 years ago with the heir of Max Factor drugging and raping a student here. He was recently convicted but the defense in this case used these precious gems for their defense...

"The defense argued that the women were party girls and disgruntled ex-girlfriends who had consented to sex. Also, Luster was depicted as a would-be pornography producer; the defense team described the women in the videotapes as actresses pretending to be asleep."

I know lawyers are supposed to defend, but how can you defend rape with all that overwhelming evidence? I can just picture the defense saying that it was her fault for taking the drink. :mad:

[mongo]

47. I doubt if that defense would fly

Also, Luster was depicted as a would-be pornography producer; the defense team described the women in the videotapes as actresses pretending to be asleep."


seeing the first thing a prosecutor would demand is to see the model releases, photocopies of their ID's, etc.

So sorry for the OP's SIL. I hope that they find the guy(s) that drugged her. The job of a defense lawyer is to DEFEND, by whatever means necessary, but I hope that there isn't a jury in America that would see it as her fault for taking a drink.

[coffeenap]

2. I am so sorry for your SIL and all of you. Unimaginable and

unforgiveable. I wish you comfort and strength.

[The Traveler]

3. Holy SH*T!

I am so sorry.

If you want some heavily traumatized, semi-psychotic, motorcycle riding veterans to ride up there and kick some ass in the name of justice, I know just the crew ...

:nuke: :nuke: :nuke: :nuke: :nuke: :grr: :nuke: :nuke: :nuke: :nuke:

[knitter4democracy]

8. Thank you.

I'm just holding on to the hope that he'll get what's coming to him somehow, some way. There's always judgement, I believe, if not in this life, then the next.

My husband is hoping they get him and that he gets raped in jail so that he knows what it's like. He's beside himself with anger right now.

[The Traveler]

25. Oddly, anger can heal

and under the circumstances is quite, quite healthy.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[yewberry]

5. Yeah, or a human.

Good grief, what a horrible thing.

I hope that EC was available and that your SIL is safe and free of physical effects. Unfortunately, other effects might be harder and more long-term.

Good luck to you and yours.

[More Than A Feeling]

6. Hope to you, your SIL, and family

I was already a feminist, but this...no words can express the horror. :hug:

[knitter4democracy]

13. Well, she and her mother weren't.

I should've made that more clear in the OP, I guess. I'm the only feminist in the family, actually, as they all listen to Rush and Dobson and crap. I hope this changes their minds somehow about the movement.

[napi21]

7. Your SIl did the right thing, and right away.

Lots of rape calims are dismissed for a lot of reasons, but with quick tests, she should hae the proof necessary to hang this guy!

Keep us up to date on what happens with this case. I know all Duers will help if they can!

[knitter4democracy]

10. Thank you.

I'm really hoping the tests will actually get tested, that he left some kind of evidence behind, and that they get him.

I really appreciate not feeling so alone and so far away from help right now.

[Sgent]

14. Make sure your SIL

applies for compensation from the New York Crime Victim's Fund.

It will help to pay any doctor/hospital bills in the short term.

Long term, it will pay for counseling, including time off work.

I'm so sorry for you and your SIL, and her entire family. Here's hoping she can remain strong and herself, and realize she did nothing wrong, but rather the moster at the party did it.

BTW, what is EC?

[Kipepeo]

18. emergency contraceptive n/t

[Kipepeo]

16. She did the right thing, agreed

We used to have a "take back the night" rally every year at my school and at the open mic there would always be a stream of girls who told similar stories - accepting a drink, waking up in an unfamilar place after having been raped - and so many of them didn't report it soon enough, out of misplaced shame and guilt.

[progressivebydesign]

9. I'm sorry to hear that... that's awful.

I'm so sorry for your SIL. I'm still trying to figure out why her friends would have left her there. I am totally paranoid about drinking anything in nightlcubs or a party where I don't know everyone.

I hope she'll be okay, I know it'll take a long time for her.

[knitter4democracy]

12. We don't know all the details yet.

She was foggy on them herself. I know I'm paranoid about that kind of thing too, but all it takes is one slip-up in your defenses if some sick bastard is there, ready and waiting.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

40. Sad to say, I'm not surprised that her friends left her

because they may not have been such close friends. College students have been known to tag along with slight acquaintances to parties where they don't know anyone.

Even when I was in college, back when we still had dorm curfews, fraternities from the nearby University of Minnesota would call the women's dorms (we had two phones in the hallways, no individual phones) and ask if any "girls" wanted to party.

[Liberal In Texas]

11. Jeez...I'm so sorry to hear this. That's awful.

I hope she is able to recover. After knowing several rape vicitms, I know that it's something that they pretty much have to live with forever. But, I hope she will be able to put it behind her and have a good life.

[FreedomAngel82]

15. I'm so sorry

:hug: This is one reason why I personally don't like parties or clubs unless I know they're a good enviornment and people I know etc.

[noamnety]

17. I'm so sorry

Please don't be afraid to call her regularly to check in with her, even if you don't have much to say, and are just calling to say hi. Don't leave her feeling abandoned.

Consider getting a copy of this book or something similar: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0609804197/ref=pd_sxp_f/002-0639060-2174461?v=glance&s=books

If you read it and it feels right for her, think about maybe sending her a copy.

[Lindsay]

19. My love to you and your SIL.

Good that she's got you on her side. She's gonna need all the support she can get.

[skids]

20. Sad to hear...

I mean, really, I know this is trauma of the worst kind for a woman.

...but I hope when she's regained her composure you use this incident to really drill into her head that she should choose her friends and social activisties wisely. A good judgement of character is the prime determinant of whether you will spend your life as a free person, or perpectual victim.

(P.S. try to press the cops to speed up the DNA analysis from the rape kit. In NYC, you may not have the problem with lenient jurors that I saw, but when I was GJ foreman here in MA we had a similar case where the jury narrowly refused to indite a person because they thought the DA shouldn't have brought the charges without having that evidence at hand. A slim majority on the jury were of the opinion that that should be a prerequisite these days, and in general people don't get what they are supposed to do on a GJ, no matter how many times it gets explained to them. Crime labs tend to be backed up, so a bit of pressure now may get it in the front door faster.)

[knitter4democracy]

34. My BIL is a lawyer in New York

He's at her place now, apparently. I'm hoping he'll intervene a bit and lean where he needs to, since it sounds like they have enough on the guy to get him anyway. Of course, we all know how that can go . . .

[Wetzelbill]

21. wow thats awful

She's in my thoughts and prayers. All of you will be.

[bliss_eternal]

22. I'm so sorry--

knitter4democracy--I'm pm-ing you...

:hug:

I'm very sorry!

[Mythsaje]

23. Makes me sick...

I'm so sorry to hear about things like this.

One of the things I stress to my 14 y.o. niece (who's pretty damn smart and world-wise because of her screwed up parents) is that when she's out and about is to watch her drinks--even if she's only drinking soda. If she's hanging out either finish her drink before she leaves the table, have a trustworthy friend watch it, or take it with her. And NEVER accept an open drink from anyone she doesn't know and/or trust unless it's delivered by the waitstaff.

That's why I was glad she watched Veronica Mars last season like I did. She knew exactly what I was talking about with that stuff.

[noamnety]

28. I'm going to have my daughter read this thread

She's heading off to college this fall. After reading your post, I realize that's one of those things I would know to do automatically, but I've never discussed it with her. Thank you.

[alphafemale]

30. Mines off to college too...I hope I've made her adequately paranoid

I've even told her a cup with a lid and straw, isn't out of line if your going to be with people you don't know.

People can distract you and slip something in your glass...

Hell, carry a damn sippy cup with a screw on lid.

I just can't imagine the kind of losers that can only get or WANT an unconscious female... :puke: :scared:

[Mythsaje]

31. Glad to be of service...

seriously. It's an important thing for young women to learn. That's one of the reasons I was glad it was featured on Veronica Mars last year. Sure, the themes are a little adult at times, but there's a lot of street smarts to pass on to young women by way of the title character.

[knitter4democracy]

35. Please do.

Please make sure she reads the update, too. She needs to know. It's too easy to be trusting and get hurt.

Edit: I used to teach high school English before kids and always warned my seniors about stuff like this. In fact, I remember telling her never to take a drink from anyone before she went off to college, but she brushed me off, saying she knew how to take care of herself. I just wish I'd been there for her to protect her yesterday.

[I Have A Dream]

24. Oh, I'm so sorry that your family has to go through this.

At least we've come to the point in the United States that it's not something that is so shameful that the victim can't even report the crime. (It's still not perfect, but things have definitely gotten better over the last several decades.) This is not the case in many parts of the world. (We need to work hard to change this.)

I'm sorry that you're so far away and feel so helpless. A family member of mine went through something similar about 10 years ago, and she was also in another state. Her experience when she reported it to the police was horrible. I know that things have changed since then.

I think that the best thing that you can do for your sister-in-law is to make it really clear to her and the rest of your family that she's not in any way responsible for this occurring and to also strongly encourage her to get counseling, even if she doesn't feel that she needs it. (Otherwise, future relationships could be impacted much more than they would be if she had gotten counseling right away.)

Please also take care of yourself, and we're here if you need us. :hug:

[NMMNG]

26. I'm so sorry to hear about that

I had a similar thing happen to me when I was a teenager. I'd gone to a party with a friend of mine and alcohol was flowing freely. I had way too much and ended up passing out. People ended up leaving until it was just me, my friend, her boyfriend and his roomie (who had thrown the party). My friend and her boyfriend went out for a walk, and while they were out the roomie had his way with me. Later he bragged about it to my friend's boyfriend, and he told my friend.

I didn't find out until around six months later. My friend finally told me (what prompted her to after all that time I don't know). She said one of her biggest fears was that I was going to end up pregnant. Considering I'm a lesbian and was a virgin up to that point (and assumed I still was) it would have been quite a shock to me if I had become pregnant.


Be sure to give your SIL lots of support and be available to listen, even if she doesn't want to talk about the event itself. Many people prefer to avoid talking about traumatic events directly, and would rather just do ordinary things to help keep themselves and their minds occupied. Try to see which way your SIL is leaning and follow her lead.

Best wishes to the both of you. :hug:

[Ellen Forradalom]

27. Oh, oh, oh

how horrible.

Thank GOD she went to the cops and the hospital.

You are going to have to be there for her in so many ways in the future. Let her know your door and heart are open to her.

God, and I hope they nail those bastards to the wall.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

32. That poor young woman

Many many women on DU have survived rape. Many have shared those experiences. I hope she gets the counseling she needs to cope with her experiences today.

[knitter4democracy]

38. I'm going to do what I can.

I suffered a medical sexual assault this spring, and having a counsellor to talk to and cry with really, really helped. She needs someone to help her right away.

[knitter4democracy]

33. Update

We just heard more from my MIL.

Apparently, SIL was at the party, accepted a fruity alcohol drink (doesn't drink and didn't realize it right away, there was so much fruit stuff in it--I know how that sounds, but I know her and trust her on this) from a guy her friends knew, and then she doesn't remember much after that.

Her friends noticed that she was missing and so was the guy, and they knew where he lived. They were the ones who went looking for her and found her. When they found her, she was still dressed, but that doesn't mean much to me. He's already proven that he's a sick bastard.

I feel better about the friends now, and I'm so very thankful they found her before he got back. God only knows what he had planned.

Her mom's on her way out there in the morning, and I have offered to go, too (which probably won't happen, considering how my MIL feels about me, but anyway). It'll be hard, with Hubby's schedule (he's on-call on Monday), but I'm sure I'll be able to get my mom or my best friend to watch the kids if need be. She needs women around her now.

Thank you, thank you ever so much, all of you. It means so much to have a community behind us in this, people who have been there and can help me cry, and people who have great advice and encouragement. It's so hard being far away from her at this point. She was only 8 when we got married, and it's so hard to think of anyone doing something like this to her. I've been worried ever since she went off to college. She's a beautiful girl, model, actually, and she seems so naive. How could that bastard do this to her?

[roguevalley]

36. I am so sorry, honey. I hug all of you long distance. :*(

[knitter4democracy]

37. Thank you.

We're all going to need all those hugs today.

I just wish I could get out there and do something to help, but when I looked up air ticket prices last night, *shudder* we don't have that much money right now. I hope that being available by phone and all will be good enough for now.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

39. How traumatic for your sister-in-law!

I hate that whole subculture that thinks it's clever and amusing to drug and rape young women.

It's sad that she had to lose her virginity this way instead of in a loving relationship. :-(

[knitter4democracy]

41. I'm hoping she'll look at it like she didn't lose it.

An amazing pastor I knew once said that, as virginity is a gift to bestow on someone in love, it cannot be lost through an act of aggression or violence. There were many--too damn many--tears in the eyes that day.

I'm worried that he took pictures and posted them somewhere with enough info that she could still be a target. Is that crazy?

[Lydia Leftcoast]

43. If she comes from the background you describe, she definitely

needs to hear that. :hug:

[knitter4democracy]

45. Yeah.

Right now, I'm just worried that she's more hurt by the trauma of what happened in the ER, as she remembers that.

I will make sure to make that point as loudly and as often as I can, though.

[wovenpaint]

42. Sending prayers and good thoughts

How awful! My condolences to you and yours.

I have this concern for mine every time they go out. I try to impress the importance of being extra vigilant-but as one poster mentioned- all it takes is one slip up.
I agree that women need to understand that IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT!!!! These men are sick and cowardly monsters.

I'm going to have my children read this thread today, as I'm sure many others will, so maybe out of this pain someone else will be saved.

:hug:

[knitter4democracy]

46. I hope so.

I hope something, anything good can come out of this.

I will never get her mom's frantic voice out of my head: "Why did she take that drink? She doesn't drink. Why did she do it? The one time, and this is what happens."

Hug your own harder today.

[wicket]

44. horrible

I am so sorry to hear this :( You all are in my prayers. :hug:

And I hope the system throws the book at the guy! :grr:

[friesianrider]

48. As a college student, I can say those date rape drugs are very scary...

Particularly because they're so widely used. My boyfriend's sister was at a party with *her* boyfriend, and she got a drink from someone...her boyfriend ended up drinking it instead of her and got very ill and had to go to the ER because someone had put something in it.

The most important thing to remember if you have a daughter going to college is to:

1. Always, always, always go out with at least one responsible friend who will keep an eye on you and vice versa, and make sure you get home safe (no matter what happens or if they have to drag you home). Just think of Natalee Holloway - my girlfriends and I agree before going out and drinking that that we're all coming home together, and we make sure we keep track of each other throughout the night. It really does help having at least one friend make sure you get home safe (and you keep an eye out for her too).

2. Don't ever take a drink from anyone and never leave your drink unattended (hold your hand over the top).

It's so sick people do this to others, it defies logic. I'm so sorry for what you and your family must be going through - sure hope she is okay :( :hug: