Will my mother be safe if I do this?

[Ripley]

Years ago my mother gave me a painting of herself and told me to keep it and never let my father know it existed. You see, when Dad went off to Korea, so did another young man who had eyes for my pretty Mom. Mom and Dad had dated a lot and the other guy I believe she only dated once.

The other guy had a photograph of mom and paid an artist in Tokyo to paint her portrait in oils on silk. It really is a gorgeous piece and excellent representation of her. She obviously married my dad upon his return from the war. And she tucked the painting (rolled up in a tube) away for decades.

Here's my dilemma. My mother is now almost 75 and she doesn't have any physical illnesses, but is going through a real weepy, pull out the pictures of her and her sisters as young women, etc. stage in her life. Five of her 7 siblings have died, so maybe she is really feeling her mortality. Anyway, she is sending me old pics and talking about them a lot.

So, I want to frame the oil painting of her and give it to her for her 75th birthday in the fall. The part I didn't mention yet is that my father physically and every which way abused my mother for years. It is the dirty little secret in the family...one of my sisters doesn't even acknowledge it. They have been married 52 years! I begged her to divorce my dad when I was in college because he was such an ass. Never hitting her on the face where it would show...that kind of shit.

Well, his health is poor. He has mellowed. As far as I know he hasn't bruised her in years since he quit drinking. And obviously she isn't going to leave him. So, now I feel like she should have this painting framed and hanging on a wall and he should just DEAL WITH IT. After all, she picked him over the other romantic guy - and put up with his crap for 52+ years!

But, another side of me says "this could be dangerous." He could fly into a rage and become irrationally jealous (even though my mom never even kissed the other guy).

So. I guess all I can do is get the piece framed nicely and give it to her in secret and maybe she can cherish it from her underwear drawer. Better safe than sorry. But then again, she might get pissed at me for even bringing it back into her house (even in secret - hidden so The Man will never have to lay eyes on such a sight!). Maybe I should ask her first on the phone (they live four states away), but I wanted it to be a big surprise.

It's dealing with this kind of bullshit in life that makes some of us feminists PISSED OFF!!!

[ohio_liberal]

1. Does anyone have to tell Dad

where the painting came from?

[Ripley]

4. I believe he would recognize the photograph the painting is based

upon, therefore he would ask who painted her portrait? My mom is a bad liar.

[ohio_liberal]

14. Ah, ok

I'd ask her first.

Edited to add:

My Dad was abusive as well, and it was our thing between my mom and us kids that we'd just hide things from the old man if we wanted to avoid conflict. No doubt about, the whole situation sucked but we did what we had to do, ya know? I can relate to everything. :pals:

[Dora]

19. Your mom doesn't have to lie.

Could YOU tell him that your mom gave the picture to you, and that you had the portrait painted?

I think it would be lovely if you could give this picture back to your mother.

[Bunny]

2. Maybe you should ask your mother how she would feel about

your idea. You can frame it if you want, and then let her decide if she'll accept it, and where it would be displayed. Given the history, it may be better that you not upset whatever balance they've achieved. (I know, the feminist side of me wants to say "f*ck it" to the old man, but it is your mother's life and probably should be her decision.)

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Ripley]

8. Thanks Bunny.

I guess that's what I'll end up doing. Let her know and decide if she wants it in her home.

It just makes me so freaking MAD that after all these years I have to worry about that old fucker's reaction to it. Sorry. I know he is my father. But that doesn't mean he isn't an asshole.

[Bunny]

11. Yeah, that would stick in my craw too.

It's a shame that your mother might be denied some little bit of pleasure just so your father won't get upset. That would bug the living shit out of me too!

[Ripley]

15. You got it.

At this point in her life she seems to WANT to see herself as a young woman where she wasn't taken for granted as some house servant. To be fair, my Dad has provided a very comfortable living for her (she has a music degree and taught before marrying, but never worked outside the home since then). But he seems to hold it over her head.

Yee-ech. If only more guys could understand what misogynistic crap we had to put up with in our own families, maybe they'd stop with the defensiveness huh?

[shraby]

3. You could just imply you had it done for her

recently.

[Kraklen]

5. The old flame isn't in the portrait, is he?

If not, go for it.

[melissinha]

6. maybe.....

you could have it framed and then display it in a room in your house that you know he won't go in to.. and tell her its there and have her make up her mind... but regardless she can visit your house.... coudl that work?

[Ripley]

10. Parents have only been in my home once.

They don't travel anymore. They live far away. But yes, I got it out last night and thought I would have it framed for me anyway.

But somehow it seems like she should have this "secret" beautiful painting of her, especially now that she is missing her youth.

Sigh.

[Karenina]

7. TALK to her!

ASK her! BE HONEST WITH HER about how you feel and ASK HER how she feels!!!

[Lone_Star_Dem]

9. If you're giving this to her as a gift

How is your father to know who had it painted? You could have had it done from the old photo recently.

[Ripley]

12. That's true.

But my mother would eventually "slip" - she can't keep a secret and she is getting really forgetful lately and I don't want to put her in the position of lying.

[JDPriestly]

13. You are angry at your dad, with reason,

but the relationships between people who have been married a long time are very complex. Ask your mom before you take any steps. You never know. Your mom and dad might have mellowed so much that they would both laugh about the picture. On the other hand, your mother may have given you the picture to safeguard because she wanted to keep a wonderful experience for herself. She may have shared it with you to have a witness to the fact that she was really admired, perhaps loved by this other suitor. She may not want her memories about this man to be subjected to the abuse and jealousy of your father. She may not want to feel obliged to explain the situation to him or to be forced by convention to apologize for something. Talk to her before you do anything. That's my advice. Respect your mother's desires about the picture.

[Ripley]

16. Thanks JD for that perspective.

I hadn't really thought about the "safe keeper" of the painting aspect.

Mom and I have had a strained relationship over the years, mostly because of my father. We never changed our relationship into that "close sister-like" relationship I hear people talk about.

I'll definitely ask her, so as to not surprise her in a bad way. I always thought I would just give her the framed piece after Dad died. But then I realized, she could die first!

Argh.

[Splatter Phoenix]

18. Holy crap.

You should be a psychiatrist or have an Ask JD page in the paper or something. You're really insightful.

[Schema Thing]

17. I feel horrible for your mother, but

do you really even have to ask?

It's just a picture, fer chrisake. And one that might remind her of what a sucky choice she made so long ago at that. How could this even be good for her, let alone safe?

[Ripley]

23. Okay my male friend.

Let me try to explain. It's not just a picture, fer chrisake.

This is not just another digital pic we all throw around these days.

This is a piece of art on silk, no less, and finely done! As I stated she is really re-living the youth days with old black and whites.

When she gave it to me, she cried. She said it was the most beautiful thing anyone ever did for her. My dada never did anything romantic like that in the last 52 years. Trinkets of opal necklaces ain't the same as this painting.

I'm going to be open-minded and try to imagine, as you say that this could not be good for her. But I guess I know my Mom enough to think this would be good for her to have.

[Misunderestimator]

20. I think you should ask her...

If you hadn't mentioned the abuse, I would have said you should surprise her. That changes things though. I think you are worried about the right things, and you should let her decide.

My mother was VERY melancholy about her life before marriage when she was near the end of her life... She spoke fondly of the only other man she considered marrying before my father, and I think she would have LOVED to have had portrait like the one you describe. I don't think that asking her ahead of time will ruin the wonderful present that it will be.

[Ripley]

21. Sorry you lost your Mom.

The melancholy is killing me.

Nice to see you...I'm back from a trip to the mountains. Cleared up life a bit. Well, except for this darn thing!

:hi:

[Misunderestimator]

22. Thanks.

It was 14 years ago. She had a very, very long illness, so death for her was a release. I wish I had had something like that portrait you have to have given to my mother.

Good to see you too.... Love the mountains! One of the best parts of moving out here. :hi:

[Sapphire Blue]

24. An alternative idea for a gift... a portrait of your mother w/her siblings

Do you have a photo of them that you hire an artist to paint a portrait of?