I'm tired of being an Athiest. Which religion gets me the best shit?

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

And do any of them give a signing bonus?

Cheers!

[Incitatus]

1. I think there's one where you get like 72 virgins when you die. eom

:bounce:

[Chicken Girl]

3. That's Islam nt

[GreenPartyVoter]

5. Or raisins. Not real clear on which interpretation is correct.

[SammyWinstonJack]

2. ROFL

:rofl: Cheers! I hear that Invisible Pink Unicorn religion might be the way to go.

[gmoney]

4. Are you young enough to get a Bar Mitvah?

You could always adopt Judaism... you could net some good loot when you "become a man"

[sakabatou]

10. Uh... gmoney, as long as you are over 13, you can get a Bar/Bat Mitzvah

[gmoney]

29. Sorry, I knew that...

I was picturing the Seinfeld episode "Shicksa Appeal"

Question: if a 20-30 year old person has the Bar/Bas Mitzvah, do they get the loot that a teen typically receives?

[sakabatou]

33. My fault for not knowing

[asthmaticeog]

6. The Church of the SubGenuis gets you SLACK!

http://subgenius.com/

Get'cha some!

[Alcibiades]

21. Fear not the stark fist of removal

For Bob is with you. Or not.

[BiggJawn]

36. How can you mention the Church of the Subgenius...

Without mentioning JR "Bob" Dobbs?

[frictionlessO]

38. Mothership my ass to Crawford alrready! I'll blood wrestle any of ya!

Have you ever made it out to X-Day???

[jobycom]

7. You could become a Wiccan and concentrate on sex magic,

[frankly_fedup2]

8. That would the least known religion that no one (especially Conservatives)

speak of. The Unification Church of Social Services. If you have children, you can get into one of their sattellite groups for single parents called "The Church of the Aid for Dependent Children" with help from Saint Medicade.

Oh well, light humor. Yeah, yeah, I know . . .very light.

[fob]

19. Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration, don't fail us now!

Are you the police?
No Ma'am, we're musicians.

[lvx35]

9. Depends on what you want.

Christianity gives you heaven, but you have to wait till you die. Radical Islam gives a better deal, because if you get impatient you can just blow yourself up. Judaism offers you the status of being one of God's chosen people, but the afterlife benifits suck. If you like life, try hinduism or buddhism, they offer an unlimited suply of free lifetimes.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

27. Yeah, but I want shit now!

This after you're dead shit blows.

[loudsue]

42. That's frikkin' hilarious!!

:rofl:

:kick::kick::kick:

[shireen]

11. Check out this hip new god

I'm a believer in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, creator of the Universe, the ultimate intelligence in Intelligent Design.

http://www.venganza.org/

May you be touched by his noodly appendage.

[PatriotGames]

12. I just laughed out loud at this post.

[charlie]

13. Solipsism

It's the grooviest. Do anything, everything your wicked heart desires. Until someone shoots you.

[dweller]

18. if that happens

obviously you've deserved it.

dp

[Spinzonner]

14. Put your soul on eBay and see who bids the most for it

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

45. There's a thought!

Hmmmmm.

It would probably be bid on. I would hate to get a negative response for damaged goods.

[lildreamer316]

51. That shit really happened

(I'm assuming you know) I had it bookmarked for awhile. Crazy.

[tk2kewl]

15. speaking of religion and shit...

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before..
Islam: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Creationism: God made all shit.
Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
Christian Science: Shit happening is all in your mind.
Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Capitalism: That's MY shit.
Communism: It's everybody's shit.
Feminism: Men are shit.
Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
Existentialism: What is shit, anyway?
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
Jehovah's Witness: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Atheism: I can't believe this shit!
Nihilism: No shit.
Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens one day at a time!
Eastern Orthodoxy: If shit happened, BLAME THE CATHOLICS!

[Hekate]

24. I was just about to check my files for that one! No shit

Thanks for being so quick on the draw.

Hekate

[tk2kewl]

25. youu must be shitting me...

:P

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

28. LOL!!!! That is GREAT!

[DBoon]

16. Rastafarianism!

You want to smoke some good shit, try that religion

[Must_B_Free]

41. Pentacostal give you the holy ghost

It is pretty strict, but they have the BEST music. In fact they just had Megafest in Atlanta for several days and a lady told me it was too short.

But I dig the holy ghost, that's the basis of my guitar solos.

[Alcibiades]

17. If you must go that way

go all the way.

The Mormon or LDS Church is a good option. Freaky, freaky practices. As a man, you are automatically a priest. you can retroactively "save" your ancestors from eternal damnation. Also, when you die, I think you get your own planet. Plus, if you join one of their freaky spin-off groups, you get to marry multiple women--at the same time!

Not sounding like a perk to you? How about:

The Catholic Church. Join one of the religious orders. You get all the benefits of far-eastern religions (meditation, meditation, meditation) plus free housing, medical care--everything you need for an extremely spartan lifestyle is gratis! Plus, the Church itself has big bank.

There's also always Cthulhu. He brings his own brand of benefits. I think that, when he wakes up, his followers get eaten last. Not too shabby!

[bonito]

20. When someone ask me about my religion

I tell them I got the same one as god. or what I do for a living? I suck air, then they usually reply no really and I say right now I'm talking to you. where do I live? where my feet are standing but sometimes mind is elsewhere.

[dweller]

22. ~~~

http://www.subgenius.com/


dp

[ugarte]

23. Satanists seem to have lots of parties...er, rituals

If you're into meeting new people.

[gumby]

26. Ever heard of Robert Tilton?

His TeeVee religion is to send him money. The way it works is you "make a vow," and then pay on it. See, your vow has to be more than your pocket change; that's why you have make installment payments.

Tilton is completely nondenominational. The religion is that if you send him more than you can afford as a testament to your faith (whatever that is), then you will be rewarded many times over.

It's like Religion-By-Lottery. The Profit Prophet "preaches" that what you give to him will be given back to you in multiples.

Here ya go http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rls=RNWE,RNWE:2004-10,RNWE:en&q=robert+tilton

[LeftyMom]

30. I have a dragon in my garage

maybe you could worship it? :shrug:

[rockymountaindem]

31. Judaism. Well, it's not really a shirt...

it's more of a fringed cloth rectangle. It also comes with a suavé skullcap and a cool mysterious language to pray in to impress all your friends!

The food is also a lot better than you've been led to believe.

[brystheguy]

32. Kudos. The first post title that made me laugh out loud. n/t

[alfredo]

34. Define shit.

[Solly Mack]

35. Get ordained online. Start a cable access "tent revival"

Call yourself the Church of the Divine Redemption - and your TV show, Old Time Gospel for that Old Time Religion. Promote prayer cards for donations - in return send them cheesy, computer printed bookmarks for their Bible (be sure to print their names on it and how you prayed for them)

Print a pamphlet of a list of movies for Christians. Offer to send that to the first 100 callers who pledge a 25 dollar or more donation. Explain why they need the pamphlet. (Cause the devil is tempting people everyday and he's wiley!)

Be sure to invite local preachers on to talk about how bad for you everything in the world is...mention the evils of public education and Bill Clinton a lot...

Be sure to get attacks in on gays and lesbians

Rant how the ACLU is harming America

Be sure to wave the flag and say the pledge at the beginning of each segment.

This seems like more work than it actually is....but

There's a sucker born every minute and soon you'll be rolling in the holy dough.

Try not to get too successful too fast or Falwell and the likes will get some dirt on you and spread it in order to kill the competition.

[BiggJawn]

37. Eastern Orthodox.

You get to grow a big beard, and dress like Rasputin and their priests get to MARRY!

[Speck Tater]

39. Buddhists are the ahppiest people in the world. (nt)

[Spike from MN]

40. Hey, I'm an atheist too and while I'm not tired of it,

I'd be willing to switch for a bit in return for some free schwag. At the moment, I'm thinking of auctioning off my atheism to the highest bidder on eBay. I'm sure some whacko fundie out there would be wiling to shell some bucks in order to save me from the hell of eternal damnation and all that crapola. So, unless something better comes along, I'm thinking that's probably the route I'll go.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

54. Let me know if you get any bids!

[BrotherBuzz]

43. try 'The Church of the Holy Donut'

"all religions are based on dough." - Brother Bernie Ward, founder of "The Church of the Holy Donut"


The Church of the Holy Donut, founded in the 1970s, is the alternate name, bequeathed by radio talk show host Bernie Ward, for his regular Sunday morning radio program, "God Talk". Church of the Holy Donut services are broadcast live from San Francisco, California radio station KGO 810 AM, a 50,000 watt clear frequency channel, on Sundays from 6 a.m. to 9 a.m (PST). Mmmm, donuts and coffee on Sunday morning listening to stimulating debates on morals and ethics.

http://www.kgoam810.com

I've been a member for about twenty years and we have but two rules, and are open to people of all stripes and persuasions. One big happy tent.

Rule one: No quoting scriptures - you must paraphrase ideas in your own words (keeps the fundy types at bay, they can't think on their own)

Rule two: No eating croissants on Sundays - just donuts. Atheiests can eat donut holes, Jewish types can eat bagels. However, the croissant rule is being reviewed as some of our muslim members are raising concerns even though they understand the rule originally targeted the the 'Me' generation Yuppies spawned by the likes of Reagan.

I vacillate between the glazed and jelly filled donut groups, myself.

[kodi]

44. start your own. truly your path is yours alone.

Ripple

If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung
Would you hear my voice come through the music?
Would you hold it near, as it were your own?

It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken
Perhaps they're better left unsung
I don't know, don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air (note 1)

Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow

Reach out your hand if your cup be empty
If your cup is full may it be again
Let it be known there is a fountain
That was not made by the hands of man

There is a road, no simple highway
Between the dawn and the dark of night
And if you go, no one may follow
That path is for your steps alone

Ripple in still water
When there is no pebble tossed
Nor wind to blow

You who choose to lead must follow
But if you fall, you fall alone
If you should stand, then who's to guide you?
If I knew the way, I would take you home

Lyrics: Robert Hunter
Music: Jerry Garcia

[Qanisqineq]

46. I almost spit out my tea all over

hilarious! :rofl:

[marions ghost]

47. NeoCon Corporate Fascism

In which YOU ARE The ULTIMATE!
There are NO other Gods before You.
You have the Power and the Glory
It's all about You and Your Worshippers
You Profit Handsomely and Prosper over all others in the field
You will receive a deluxe CD with prayers to Yourself especially designed for You
Shrines will be erected to You in all the cities of your Conquests
You are Guaranteed to have no guilt, no pain, EVER, or your money back
A place will be reserved for You in the VIP box in Heaven

This is a powerful belief system that will serve You well for Your whole bodily existence.
There is no better religion for immediate results.
You can become a Member Today.

[Nye Bevan]

48. Judaism: leave work early every Friday!

Brilliant. If I was starting a new religion I would definitely incorporate this rule.

[nookiemonster]

49. Funny......shit.....

ROFLOL

[lildreamer316]

50. LOL

Thou gave me a great guffaw; heathen
Come on over to the dark side. We have all the fun rituals of Catholisim without the annoying sex restrictions.

[lectrobyte]

52. Church of the Subgenius

Salvation guaranteed, or double your money back. And the radio shows rock!







EDIT: spelled subgenius wrong. Maybe I are one?

[JHB]

53. Which one doesn't matter. What matters is being a seller, not a buyer.

Just ask Moon, L. Ron Hubbard, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, etc.

[cynatnite]

55. I'm debating on starting my own

A lot of religions have different things I like, but not enough I do like to join. I was thinking I'll take all the stuff I like, combine into one and *poof*...a religion tailer made for me :)

[Freedomfried]

56. Become a 12 stepper

Its a great spiritual program for anybody.

[JanMichael]

57. I've heard that Santeria can be a blast.

But if you want the perks go Episcopalian. IIRC it's one of the richest religion in the US.

Kind of like a country club religion. You'll get to meet the "movers and shakers" in your town. Which will likely lead to perks.

Plus they drink.