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Remember Mr. Show?
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
SUPPORT THE TROOPS!
Hey! Where’s everybody going? What happened to supporting the troops?! Seriously, goddamnit! Last week I heard a group of democratic and Republican representatives petitioned to ask for pull-out schedule in Iraq! Also I heard that, according to polls, less than half the public is wanting to continue the fight! I got news for you wussies, you’re not supporting the troops! Because the troops are over their fighting, and if you want to leave, then you aren’t supporting their endeavor, and you’re a frigging traitor!
When this thing began, I was a yellow-bellied liberal. As Karl Rove pointed out, my initial suggestion immediately after 9-11 was to send therapists to the Middle East. I wanted to try to “understand” the people who committed this horrifying deed. I wanted to hold their hands, pat them on the back, and send them “we’re sorry” cards and shipments of “Peeps” Easter candies in a “we heart you” basket. In fact, I was the one who suggested we get Dr. Phil on Al jazeera, daily. I wanted to send a delegation of children over there to make a giant clay sculpture entitled “Peace Lump”. I wanted to start a dialogue, whatever that is. I remember thinking, wrongly, “Well, this is a part of the world which we have used and used and where we have neglected to engage with it’s people in a serious manner and the wave of anger and resentment they have for us must run deep and strong. Probably we will have a long slog of engagement and adjustment and entrenchment ahead of us over there to win them over.” How stupid of me.
But the right wing radio personalities and pundits etc. put me right. They pointed out that whatever effort the troops were involved in, no matter where, or for what reason, you must support that effort. Because not supporting the mission is not supporting the individuals being sent on the mission. Because if you support the troops then therefore you must support anything they are sent to do! It’s simple; do you support the troops, or not?
I immediately began supporting the troops. I put yellow ribbons up around my house. Literally everywhere (On my bedposts, on trees outside, on the mailbox pole (17 of them!)! I took pictures of the yellow ribbons and sent those to the troops. Can you imagine how thrilled they must be to know my yellow ribbons are everywhere! Yellow ribbons! And ribbon stickers on the back of my car! The troops must be ecstatic to know of all my yellow ribbons! Imagine you are a young father or mother. You have been away from your family, your newborn kids, your young husband or wife, you haven’t seen them in months. You are scared shitless of every civilian around you, whom you are supposed to be protecting. You have to travel in crudely armored vehicles from here to there and you have no idea when you’ll be back home or if you are making any progress of any kind. Then, you get a picture of a yellow ribbon on a tree in Los Angeles! A picture of a yellow ribbon! Think of it! A yellow ribbon! How great is that? That must be an awesome feeling! Fuck, I wish I was one of the troops just so I could feel the greatness of knowing somebody put a fucking yellow fucking ribbon up in reference to me! Ribbons of Yellow!
But that wasn’t enough for me. I went on a diet. Only cold K-rations. And I blockaded myself in a bunker with a view only of sand and a deserted lot next door. To simulate the situation of the troops. I deprived myself of some simple things, running water, hot showers, fast food; things the troops don’t have much of. I even “ate” a yellow ribbon (actually just slowly chewed and swallowed – it came out of me whole a few days later; very cleansing!) Yellow-colored ribbons for everyone! All I had for companionship was myself and a photo of Lindsey Lohan.
And people were behind me. Many people. My fellow dittoheads for one! Sean Hannity (thank you, Sean- thank you!) We support the troops! Support the troops! The troops! Support! People were behind me--the local news did a “kicker” spot with me; they called me, kiddingly; “Super-trooper”! Hilarious! Everyone laughed.
Troops!
Support them!
Lindsey Lohan!
Then, for no good reason, people started turning on me. You people. Everyone. Turning on me and the troops! You started wanting to get out, even though you know we are not nearly done with our effort to stabilize that country and nation-build it into a democracy. Remember the debates when George Bush scolded Al Gore that he would never use the American military for “nation-building”? Remember? I do. He said it in plain English right there on camera! Troops! (Troop-s’pport!) Suproops the Trops! I eblieved him then and I ablieve him now! Yeller Rib-eyes! Karl Rove’s Ass-face!
Lindsey Lohan is my point.
Look. I need a shave. I need a shower. I need hot food and human contact that I can trust. I am only watching Fox TV, so at least I am getting the full story. But I am furious at all of you pussies! Start supporting the fucking troops again. Get your fucking yellow ribbons out and start telling pollsters that you support the war wholeheartedly with no reservations, because SUPPORTING THE WAR MEANS SUPPORTING THE TROOPS AND VICE VERSA AND LINDSEY LOHAN AND YELLOBRIBBONS!
Support!
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