I could use a little constructive criticism on my LTTE

[Rainbowreflect]

before I send it in.

Most of us have heard the story of the frogs and boiling water. The old wives tail that if you put a frog in boiling water he will jump out, but if you put the same frog in room temperature water and slowing bring it to a boil the frog will sit and cook.

We in American have become that frog in the slowly boiling water. We have become desensitized to the violence, hatred, cruelty and ignorance that has taken over our society.

We hide the bodies of the fallen and the faces of the wounded, but stay glued to our TVs for each new "reality" show. We have more people voting for the next American Idol than the next American leader.

We have become a country that does not blink when hate radio calls a grieving mother names that cannot be printed in this paper. Where a person in a truck mows down crosses put up to honor those who gave their lives in service just because they disagree with the words of the people who put them there.

We have become a society that cares more about making political hay out of a brain dead women or embryos that would be destroyed than we do about the thousands of lives lost every year to the high cost of health care and the poisons in our air, water and food.

We have dehumanized those of different races, religions and sexual preferences to the point that we can laugh at their torture, humiliation, suffering and even their deaths.

We have CEOs of major oil companies retiring with billions, too many of us drive huge SUVs to the mall and we blame the high cost at the pumps to not enough drilling.

We have become a country where honesty matters less than spin and where people matter less than things.

Our leaders claim loudly and often that we are a "Christian Nation", but I see very little of Christ in what they are selling.

[sendero]

1. Criticism?

I can't find a word I would change. Great job!

[Rainbowreflect]

2. Thank you. I was so angry when I heard about the crosses.

I realize that they are just symbols and not nearly as important as the people there, but it was just the last straw for me.

[Beaver Tail]

3. Very good - The way I would phrase on thing of you LTTE like this

We have become a country where honesty matters less than spin and where people matter less than things.

We have become a country where the truth and facts mean nothing, spin means everything and people matter less than material possessions.

But that is just My opinion. Love your letter.

I LOVE the way you talk about dehumanized. It was Beautifully put.

And maybe a little Biblical Quote to sum up your last phrase maybe ot hit the point home on Hypocrisy

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God" (Matthew 5-9).

[greekspeak]

4. Out of respect for the LGBT Community...strike preference and put

orientation. Preference indicates that we simply "prefer" people of the same gender as our partners. We are oriented that way.

[Rainbowreflect]

7. Thank you I will do that!

[greekspeak]

8. No, thank YOU

Means a lot to some of us! :hi:

[kbm8795]

10. I agree. . .

. . .not trying to sound "PC" or anything, but orientation is much more honest.

Otherwise this is a very well-written, moving letter. . .thoughtprovoking, clear and direct!

[greekspeak]

13. Seconded--Fine writing indeed!

With that one word changed, very splendid job. Keep up the good work!

[Rainbowreflect]

17. I agree, that was the word I was looking for, but too early to find.

That is why I asked for ideas!

[NewJeffCT]

5. excellent letter

I might reword the oil CEOs sentence:

We have CEOs of major oil companies retiring with billions, too many of us drive huge SUVs to the mall and we blame the high cost at the pumps to not enough drilling.

but, i can't really think of how to do it... time for more coffee, I think.

[mcscajun]

16. Here's one way....

We see CEOs of major oil companies retiring with billions, while far too many of us drive huge SUVs to the mall, and yet we blame the high cost at the pumps to not enough drilling.

[gratuitous]

6. It's old wives tale, not "tail"

Other than that, I can't see much to critique, except that it's perhaps too long for a major paper. If you're submitting it to a smaller, more local paper, it might be printed in its entirety or they might even ask you to expand it to a guest column.

[comsymp]

9. Good stuff - but since you asked

:evilgrin:

How bout change
We have CEOs of major oil companies retiring with billions, too many of us drive huge SUVs to the mall and we blame the high cost at the pumps to not enough drilling.
to include the fact that those major oil companies are posting record profits, quarter after quarter.

[alcibiades_mystery]

11. Just one change

The old wives tail that if you put a frog in boiling water he will jump out, but if you put the same frog in room temperature water and slowing bring it to a boil the frog will sit and cook.

SHOULD BE

According to this old wives tale, if you put a frog in boiling water he will jump out, but if you put the same frog in room temperature water and slowing bring it to a boil the frog will sit and cook.


-------------

Otherwise, it is a sentence fragment. Now, sentence fragments are not necessarily bad. You have several others in the letter that work. But this one doesn't work, and has no reason for it.

[mcscajun]

14. And it wouldn't be "slowing bring it to a boil"

...but "slowly bring to a boil".

[RebelOne]

19. Also, wives should be possessive, i.e., wives'.

[chimpymustgo]

12. Great letter. I have just one nit to pick.

"Where a person in a truck mows down crosses put up to honor those who gave their lives in service just because they disagree with the words of the people who put them there."

Change to "just because he disagrees" - it was a man who did this right? It would make the sentence easier to understand.

I think I agree with another poster about the line about the CEO's - but you can probably fix it better than anything I could suggest.

Love the idea of a Biblical quote at the end.

Good job!

[JHB]

15. LTTE' have to keep itr short, so...

...you might combine the first two sentences:
"Most of us have heard the old wives tale that if you put a frog in boiling water..."

[mcscajun]

18. And now that I've put my two cents in on the rewrite, may I say now...

...fantastic letter!

Let us know where and when it gets published. :)

[Rainbowreflect]

20. Thanks for all the great ideas!

I tend to write when I'm emotional and even rereading it I read what I meant to say not what I really wrote.