I heard the spray paint through the wall

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

Twice.

Psssst, tsp.

Psssst, tsp.

The sound of a red X.

Before the paint I heard.

I heard the splashes of feet and legs
Coming toward the house.

My heart jumped,

They're finally coming. They're coming.

I heard the legs and feet
Splashing through my house.

They're here. Thank God, they're here.

I heard the sighs.

I heard them leave.

Thank God, I'm finally safe.

I heard the spray paint through the wall.

I think I'll stay here for a while.














Rest In Peace, you wonderful people.















Thanks for reading.




On edit: Title this: After the Storm, New Orleans 2005

[benburch]

1. That was good.

Keep it.

Send it to a poetry magazine.

[shadowknows69]

2. very nice

can i post that on my website?

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

5. Please have at it.

Please link to http://www.leftandrightfight.com/ where I'll post the completed poem in a day or two.

(it's a baby site that I'm trying to figure out what direction I want to take it. I'll link back to yours.)

Peace

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

3. Thanks Ben,

It's not poetry yet. It's something that fell out after I saw the cutaway on CNN of the rescue workers spraying the red X on a house.

There's work to be done on it, but I had to write it quick to capture the feeling I had.

:toast:

http://www.leftandrightfight.com/

[Dogmudgeon]

6. It's perfect as it is

I don't say that about much poetry -- I'm a very tough critic.

But that piece was it.

Even if you never thought so before, today you are a POET.

--p!

[Brother Buzz]

10. Agree, and I never got beyond Ogden Nash with poetry...

but the minimalist in me says it says a lot; it's perfect...

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

49. Wow. Ogden Nash, I do love him.

[Brother Buzz]

53. The Germ

The Germ
By Ogden Nash

A mighty creature is the germ,
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
His customary dwelling place
Is deep within the human race.
His childish pride he often pleases
By giving people strange diseases.
Do you, my poppet, feel infirm?
You probably contain a germ.

Now, that's some poetry I can wrap my head around. ;)

Plastic Turkey, I enjoyed both renditions of your work but I have to admit the first one grabbed me in a flash and had the greatest impact. I can't explain exactly why, other then to say it worked in some abstract fashion the very moment I read the words. You the poet, man!

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

56. Nash is so much fun.

You would also enjoy Eugene Field if you enjow the era.

Plastic Turkey?

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

27. High praise. Thanks PW.

I had several quarters of directed studies in this sort of thing. I have let it slip in the pursuit of financial security through the years. For that, I'm slightly ashamed.

Peace.

[dbt]

7. The hell it's not poetry.

The good stuff always falls out. It comes full-grown. That is sho nuff some right there!

Edited to add: leave it alone.

Remember New Orleans.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

13. Heh. Thanks.

You're probably right, but there's a section I want to insert where the speaker describes the moment he dicides to lay his head down... for just a moment.

Christ, I get chill bumps just typing my intentions.

Peace.

[WiseButAngrySara]

46. I got goose bumps reading your poem...a very good sign that it's good!

n/t

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

48. Thanks, Sara...

That was a little bit of my intention.

I just hope that the rest of the country will get at least goose bumps in thinking about this tragedy.

[elehhhhna]

4. nomd

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

14. Thanks, e.

Three more votes and I can make the front page!

[NorthernSpy]

8. that was awesome

Truly.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

22. thanks much. I'm hoping to see if the additions and edits in the post

below improve or hut the original.

Peace.

[whistle]

9. Pretty good..... help me understand the insertion of this phrase

in the middle:

They're here. Thank God, they're here.

I heard the sighs.

I heard them leave.

Thank God, I'm finally safe.


Does the red X signify that the rescuers have inspected your sanctuary and having found no one alive or dead, they leave and paint a red X which means safety from possible danger rescuers or safety from death, that no one left behind died.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

12. I saw the red X as meaning there is a dead body inside the house.

The quasi-verse you quote is speaking to the fact that some peace is given in the fact that the body of the speaker has been found.

The final line is a declaration that this event (the events of the Storm and Rescues) will be remembered.

Peace.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

24. Please see my first rewrite below....

read it out loud... That's the way poetry is meant to be.

See if it works any better for you.

Peace.

[MADem]

28. Actually, the X just means the house was searched

In each void of the X, you put numbers, to indicate dead, rescued, and hazards, and one other thing (sorry, memory fails)...it does not mean that someone is dead unless you see a number in, if I remember, the left void as you look at the X.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

29. Thanks. See, there is a reason for rewrites....

This brings a problem...

I need to introduce the missing of the bodies to justify the "X" and an explanation of the term.

I think this will make it better. Thanks a lot.

Peace.

[MADem]

38. See DCFIREFIGHTERS post below

He has it down...jogged my memory as he wrote it all out.

I've dealt with these issues, but am not an expert...!!!

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

45. Thanks! I'm there.

[dcfirefighter]

32. FEMA building markings

One slash when the team enters
another when they've done the search (the 'X')
next to the box:
The TF that searched, e.g.: FL-1
the date & time of exit: 9/9/05 2100h
any hazards: gas, holes, rats, HM (hazmat)
victims: live - 0 dead - 0
an arrow designating the safe entry point

where victims are found, a large 'V' is painted nearby.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

40. Thanks! I think it will work in the sense that a search had been

done and the bodies missed.

Which brigs to mind maybe inserting a hiding or last escape place that our speaker is.

Peace.

[madokie]

11. Just breaks my heart, again

I'll be framing this

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

26. I'm so sorry for the heartbreak but I'm just sharing my own...

It's a heart breaking occurance in our time.

Peace and thanks.

[OrlandoGator]

15. You were the same guy calling us Chicken Littles before the storm hit.

Whatever, dude.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

16. Link?

[OrlandoGator]

17. Aren't you the one who started the "No More Disaster Movies" thread?

The one where we were told that New Orleans will be there tomorrow, and that we shouldn't be so uptight?

I don't have search access to find a link...if I have you mixed with someone else, I apologize.

[LSK]

18. that was not an uncommon sentiment right after the storm

http://www.kodakgallery.com/Slideshow.jsp?mode=fromshare&Uc=14ewb3ap.b147fdut&Uy=nyvoby&Ux=1

Look at those pics. The flood did not happen immediately. People in NOLA thought they dodged a bullet at 1st.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

19. I did and it's still there. I did say it (NO) would be battered and there

would be deaths.

That was my thread and I'll still stand by it. I called no one down in it but tried to counterbalance the plethora of threads that postulated thoughts that the city would be lost to the ocean and that the loss of life would be of biblical proportions.

I pointed to Bhopal and the Yangtze floods as well as other disasters that took hundreds of thousands of lives.

I never once tried to say in that post that anyone was a "chicken little," but I did try to offer a less apocalyptic promise for the "Day After Tomorrow."

When the counting is over and done, I fully expect (but hope to be wrong) that there were thousands of deaths. At first, I expected only hundreds, but in the grand scheme of things, this is a disaster, but it is not on the scale (thank god) of the Tsunami of Christmas or many other natural disasters that this poor globe has had the duty of overseeing.

Just because I choose to disagree with what the majority that believed in the hours before Katrina achieved landfall and whether I was right or wrong shouldn't matter a whit because we are all here on this board for a very common purpose: We're Democrats, we care, and in the end, we want the best for our fellow man be he rich or poor.

Peace.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

20. First rewrite? Criticisms?

(Read it out loud please, maybe someone will hear even though we know that you will)



I heard the spray paint through the wall.

Twice.

Psssst, tsp.

Psssst, tsp.

The sound of a red X.



Before the paint I heard.

My mother ask me to care for Dad

And breath her last.

My father ask for water.

And breath his last.

I heard my sobs from far away.

Even though the water rose.

I heard the lapping water
Slowly still.

I heard the buzzing flies
and far off dogs
looking for their masters.

Oww! Owwwwww!

I heard the silence.

I heard the helicopters overhead.

I heard time.
No ticking, no Big Ben.
I heard time creep into my bones.

Lay me down, lay me down.

I heard the splashes of feet and legs
Coming toward the house.

My heart jumped,

They're finally coming. They're coming.

I heard the legs and feet
Splashing through my house.

They're here. Thank God, they're here.

I heard the sighs.

I heard them leave.

Thank God, I'm finally safe.

I heard the spray paint through the wall.

I think I'll stay here for a while.

[MADem]

30. Very visceral.

I liked the first one better, to be honest.

Are the parents removed from the home? Or is the guy gonna die with his folks? Egh, the ambiguity...I don't think I would want to die with my folks' bodies rotting away, and I would probably scream at the EMTs to try to revive them, even if it meant my being dragged away to a major sports facility. So #2 does not resonate with me, personally.

But pay no attention to me. Art is art, and some people have gotten mega-pissed at me when I dared say I did not like something (those fucking orange shower curtains in Central Park, e.g.).

I am not a poet or a critic. Just my lousy two cents.

You do what you feel!!! I admire you for stepping up to the plate at all!

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

34. That's good feedback....

I'm a bit of a Hemingway fan in the "less is more" vein and there's parts of me that really want to agree with you.

See the third rewrite and see if it goes more smoothly for you.


It's so interesting to be able to get feedback on a piece as quickly as you write it...

One of the first publicly discussed pieces of poetry was brought from the ether of electronic communications by Judson Jerome when he offered a critique of one of my pieces in writer's Digest 25 years ago with:


Corn, corn, cornucopias
Dumpsters on the street.
Wafting scents of pizza and roast,
Sweet scents of fresh cooked meats.



Which was a quatrain in a much longer series of poems in a baglady series I once did.

[MADem]

37. Hey, like I said, art is art

I think you have massive talent. You have to go where it takes YOU, not me, or anyone else. I think that is an unwritten rule!

My feedback is just what it is--my old fart take. If I were so damn good, you'd be reading MY books, and as we (and my bank account) all know, that ain't happenin'!!!

But then again, this DU thing is sort of like an Algonquin Round Table, but without a limited number of seats, nor a requirement to be clever, witty, artsy, or even fartsy! So take any criticism or feedback with your own grain of salt!

Do whatcha feel, son.

You'll surely know when it is right for YOU.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

39. Sweetie, you are so spot on!

Unfortunately, I have the feeling that the chances of my being in a demographic that you could call son are pretty weak.

I do induldge in doing what I think is right, but I would like poetry to be relegated to folks other than those forced to develope a taste for it in college and don't wan't the pseudo intellectuallism of Bukowski-like compliments assigned to any works of mine.

Alright. That's it. Too much Gin. See, I'm going after the Bukowski shit again!

LOL.

[MADem]

41. Gin makes ya sin!

Wine makes ya fine!
Whiskey, frisky
Pot, hot!

At my age it all makes me sleepy...but I have my memories!

See, told ya I was no poet!

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

43. This was actually said out loud: "LOL. God love 'ya dear!"

:toast:

[roguevalley]

21. very sad. very wonderful.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

63. Thx.

[ClayZ]

23. Poet, thank you!

:kick:

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

61. Thank you.

[Stinky The Clown]

25. Powerful

Wow

No words

thanks

nom

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

31. Third rewrite

I heard the spray paint through the wall.

Twice.

Psssst, tsp.

Psssst, tsp.

The sound of a red X.

That means nothing's wrong.
Here, it's all okay.
We're all okay here.
In the attic.
and I'll just rest a moment.




It feels so good.



Before the paint I heard.

My mother ask me to care for Dad

And breathe her last.

My father ask for water.

And breathe his last.

I heard my sobs from far away.

Even though the water rose.

I heard the lapping
Slowly still.

I heard the flies
and far off dogs
searching for their masters.

Oww! Owwwwww!
I relate.

I heard the silence.

I heard helicopters.

I heard time.
No ticking, no Big Ben.
It crept into my bones.

Lay me down, lay me down.
Sweet Jesus, Lay me down.

I heard the splashes of feet and legs
Coming toward the house.

My heart jumped,

They're finally coming. They're coming.

I heard legs and feet
Splashing through my house.

They're here. Thank God, they're here.

I heard the sighs.

I heard them leave.

Thank God, I'm finally safe.

I heard spray paint through the wall.

I think I'll stay here for a while.

[WiseButAngrySara]

47. Excellent. Goose bumps and tears...n/t

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

50. Thanks, I think I'm close to leaving it alone now.

I hope so, it's been heart wrenching.

[WiseButAngrySara]

52. Oh, Thank you! I wrote peotry for the first time in a few years because I

was so moved by Cindy Sheehan. Katrina has blown me away emotionally. I had visisted NOLA several times as a young adult, and lived there for completion of a residency at Tulane Medical Center in 1994 (also worked at Charity Hospital which I loved because of its amazing rich history). I can't believe that this happened to the true residents and citizens of this beautiful city. NOLA will always have a piece of my heart and soul.

[DancingBear]

33. Tom - you can write, but most importantly, you can feel.

Leave it be.

peace.

[Berry Cool]

35. It's nice.

I know people will probably hate me for pointing this out, but it's "breathe" you mean, not "breath."

Hey, it might help you get published...and that wouldn't be bad.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

36. LOL!!!! thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!

Damn, I can't beieve I did that out loud!

You get three gold stars frome me!

[saged52]

42. thank you, kind poet

your words are now magnetized on my regrigerator door - along w/the photos of our visit to New Orleans a few years ago.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

44. Wow. that's more than I could hope for. Seriously.

And welcome to DU.

To any writer, the idea that a word would want to be remembered or shared is all we want. That I might touch just one person is more than I hope for anymore.

You have made my evening. thanks.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

51. Just a thought....

Blast the version that you like best to the media. See tf they'll pick up on the sentiment?

[gristy]

54. chills, man. On my face, over my back.

Oh, man.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

62. Thamks.

[me b zola]

55. Damn it, you did it to me

I've been avoiding this thread because I knew it was something that was going to make me cry. Today has been the first day that I haven't cried through most of it, I had dried up a little.

A very moving piece. Added to the emotionality of the piece was as I was reading it Neil Young was singing "If God Made Me" from the televised relief concert.


Very moving. Thank you for sharing with us :)





nominated

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

60. Hell. IT did it to a lot more people than us.

Thanks and peace.

[kentuck]

57. That is so thought-provoking...

Thanks.........................very much.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

65. YW

[dbt]

58. Tom, it has come out JUST FINE in each re-write.

It stands on its own each time, no matter what you do to it. To me, that means it wrote itself; it's a living thing that chose you to bring it into this world. You are SO honored by this.

An old fiddler explained the phenomenon to me years ago: "Son, you don't make music. It's already made. What you do is bring it in from the other side."

Peace, Tom (like that will ever happen to a True Poet, but I digress). You done good. REAL good!

Remember New Orleans.

[Tom Yossarian Joad]

66. Thanks, dbt.

[dbt]

59. Kick.

Remember New Orleans.

[Cats Against Frist]

64. It's difficult to write a poem like this

that stands up to aesthetic scrutiny.