Ophelia's coming! I sent Brownie a heads up.

[tanyev]

Dear Brownie,

Since you didn't seem fully prepared for the last hurricane that hit our shores, I am taking it upon myself to let you know that another hurricane is headed our way. My local weather forecaster said that Hurricane Ophelia is predicted to hit land on Tuesday, in South Carolina. This would be a real good time to pre-position your people in advance of the storm's landfall. Make sure they have lots of water and food with them to help people whose homes may be destroyed.

Fortunately for you, the city of South Carolina is much closer to Washington D.C. than the city of Louisiana. A quick glance at my United States atlas shows that you can get there by taking Interstate 95 out of D.C., south through the city of Virginia, continuing south through the entire city of North Carolina, and poof! There you are. If you need more detailed directions, www.mapquest.com is an excellent resource.

Please let me know if you have any further questions. I have no illusions that I will ever be rewarded for my efforts by hearing George W. Bush tell me I did a heck of a job, but I am still happy to help in any way that I can.

Sincerely,

tanyev
Concerned Citizen


[e-mail]

[Solly Mack]

1. Let's hope Brownie is kept away from all future disaster areas

[electropop]

31. Perhaps now would be a good time for a well-deserved vacation.

After all, it's "hard work" "doing a heck of a job."

[PegDAC]

109. One small omission

tell him to hang a left at I-26 and go straight 'til he sees the ocean

:) :evilgrin: :hi:

[IdaBriggs]

2. Huzzah! Good for you! nt

[Tace]

3. He He

Little devil. : )

[tanyev]

13. Well, you know, it's time we stop being a part of the

problem and become a part of the solution. :)

[electropop]

34. The solution, in this case, being a concentrated mixture of

mud, corpses, petrochemicals, and sewage. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

[Nikki Stone 1]

52. Where IS my rimshot machine?

:shrug:

[ellenfl]

55. because we're problem solvers? eom

[pippin]

4. Let's put thre Blame on Jeb

if things turn out badly for Florida.

[snippy]

5. Outstanding! n/t

[marmar]

6. Brownie in charge of another hurricane?

The people in the potential affected area might as well start tearing down their homes now.

[Maiden England]

7. Nice! Citizens for FOFEMA

:thumbsup:

[Mutley]

8. Nice!

LOL! :rofl:

[Tripper11]

9. Great letter! eom

[maine_raptor]

10. You left one thing out

WHEN, (what time I mean)

If he doesn't know when it will hit, he won't know how long he can wait before sending in help.

[all.of.me]

11. good one!

:rofl: the city of south carolina. great reference point.

[TroglodyteScholar]

12. Good letter, but...

South Carolina and Louisiana are states, not cities. Sorry, someone had to point it out... :D

[tanyev]

15. You know that, and I know that, but I don't think they know that.

[soup]

23. LOL, tanyev.

Love the spunk. Good letter. I was going to mention the 'city' thing, too, but you're right.

How did **His Royal Geographer put it about his visit after the hurricane? Think it went something like he was "going to go comfort people in that part of the world". It's a damn good thing he wasn't navigating or piloting the plane:

---

"I was raised in the west. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." --In Los Angeles as quoted by the Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000

"After all, Europe is America's closest ally." —George W. Bush, Mainz, Germany, Feb. 23, 2005

'I don't know why you're talking about Sweden. They're the neutral one. They don't have an army.'' --George W. Bush, during an Oval Office meeting with Rep. Tom Lantos, as reported by the New York Times

"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again."

---

Take care, all in the path of Ophelia. Don't get fooled again.

[Brother Buzz]

39. LOL, you forgot the Nation of Africa

"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." - George W. Bush, at a news conference in Europe, June 14, 2001

:rofl:

[jilln]

71. And let's not forget...

when he asked if Brazil had black people too!!

[globalvillage]

17. The City of Louisiana

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said it all, starting his news briefing Saturday afternoon: "Louisiana is a city that is largely underwater..."
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/8514671/

[dalaigh lllama]

43. it's in reference to

Chertoff declaring last week that "The city of Louisiana is under water."

[FlaGranny]

53. Last week Chertoff said

"the city of Louisiana." It is a play on that.

[moodforaday]

14. No use, he's now at home stiff

from all the margaritas he was gonna imbibe last night.

[DeepModem Mom]

16. LOL!

[nickyt]

18. Why, tanyev, why?

I have family and friends on the SC coast. Now that you have alerted Brownie, they have lost any chance of getting the help they may need if Ophelia strikes. Thanks a LOT!!!
Maybe FEMA should go ahead and issue an alert right now: "Don't send any water, food, or medicines. Do not send any people, equipment, fuel, ships, or other helpful items, cuz we're gonna make sure they get nowhere NEAR any potential disaster areas. Send a fat check to Pat Robertson and don't give this storm a second thought."

[tanyev]

20. Oh, sorry.

I thought I was helping. :(


Welcome to DU! :hi:

[hraka]

104. Don't worry, he won't read it anyway

Sorry, someone had to tell you

[tanyev]

106. *gasp* Now you have completely burst my bubble.

[newyawker99]

27. Hi nickyt!!

Welcome to DU!! :toast:

[ellenfl]

57. nickyt, just make sure your governor invites all the

unsolicited help into your 'city'. there are plenty of states that offered supplies, ng, firefighters, police and very helpful citizens that would be happy to help you . . . in a timely manner.

ellen fl

[hardrainfallin]

19. Get thee to a nunnery, Shrubco! n/t

[globalvillage]

21. Excellent

recommended.

[blondeatlast]

22. Maybe we ought to send a marching band and some cheerleaders as well.

Let them do a routine right outside his front door.

In this case, even the neighbors might not mind!

Great post, tanyev--thanks for the laugh!

[distantearlywarning]

24. LOL!

That's extremely funny. Thanks for posting that this morning.

[NNadir]

25. The proximity makes it easier to have horse drawn water wagons available.

[tanyev]

26. C'mon people! I am through playing the blame game.

This man obviously needs our help!

[bklyncowgirl]

28. Brownie coming to SC to prepare for hurricane relief....

Governor issues shoot to kill order.

[PegDAC]

110. Gov issues "shoot to kill" order?

Mark Sanford attacking another MEpublican? nah!

[SillyGoose]

29. Oh, that letter is priceless!!! I love it! Great job!!

:applause:

[Bluebear]

30. I nominated, but why on earth would you write this?

Brownie does a "heck of a job". Bush stands behind him 100%, and I intend not to let people forget that! :)

[ellenfl]

58. you know that brownie is being recalled to dc

to receive the medal of freedom.

ellen fl

[nookiemonster]

32. ROFLOL. Excellent.

And quite clever too.

:)

[Nikki Stone 1]

33. Send a copy to David Letterman. This is the first laugh I've had in days

:)

[librechik]

35. Here's something from the DHS site: REPORT A FRAUD

Hotline
If you have knowledge of fraud, waste, abuse, or allegations of civil liberties or civil rights abuses, or mismanagement involving Department of Homeland Security programs or operations, you can:

* Fax DHS OIG Hotline at: [phone]
* Email us at [e-mail]
* Or write:
Department of Homeland Security
Washington, DC 20528
Attn: Office of Inspector General, Hotline

When making a report convey as much information as possible such as: Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? Complaints may be made anonymously or you may request confidentiality



Oooooh! There's a fax number too! Send Brownie pictures of Ophelia advancing!

[crispini]

42. oooo.

hello, I'd like to report a fraud -- he's the head of FEMA.....

[hraka]

105. Yeah, but if you do that

you'll have to report the head of state as well.

[ClayZ]

36. LOL It is dated for proof! Thanks!

:rofl:

[IndyOp]

37. You need for citizens to call Venezuala, Germany, Iran, Chicago

and all of the other places/people whose help has been refused in the Gulf Coast and have them come to South Carolina.

Don't suggest this to the mayor; state rep; or heaven-forbid anyone in the federal government -- just pick up the phone and dial direct.

:kick:

[Lochloosa]

38. Thanks from Jacksonville, FL

actually, I was kind of hoping they would forget about us and let second harvest come to the rescue. I hear they have much better food.

[Infomaniac]

40. Thank you for the laugh

Can I make a couple suggestions? First, please include that the lowlands in South Carolina are prone to flooding and that hurricanes have been known to drop a lot of WATER in some spots. Also, please copy this to every elected official you can think of and the media too. I would love to hear Keith or Cafferty or AAR or Jon Stewart read this one out loud.

[blue neen]

41. tanyevie, you did a heckuva job here.

Please don't forget to let Brownie know that any victims will "bear some responsibility for their fate."

[Mabus]

44. Can you add a P.S. for me?

P.S. Brownie, will you please do a helluva job this time?

[north houston dem]

45. very clever

[Rainscents]

46. Great letter! Thanks for laugh!

:rofl:

[Fleshdancer]

47. but does he know how to click on the link to see the map?

Does he know how to use mapquest.com?? Come on Tanyev, don't you think you're over estimating his abilities? Dumb it down sweetheart, dumb it down!

[tanyev]

48. Oh, crap. You're right. I didn't even think about that.

Now all those poor people in South Carolina will get hammered, and FEMA won't be there, and it will be entirely my fault. :cry:

[Nikki Stone 1]

49. Maybe you can draw a nice picture with trees and grass and everything

Put little boats where the rivers are, and maybe big boats where the ocean is.

:)

[Fleshdancer]

50. and if you use crayon, then Bush will understand it too

great idea Nikki!

[Nikki Stone 1]

51. And it has to be BIG. Use BIG paper.

:)

[Nikki Stone 1]

61. Been thinkin. Maybe a 3D map made with macaroni?

I-95 could be a big line of lasagne noodles down the center.

[tanyev]

69. Hmmm, dunno.

The curly edges might be really confusing. Maybe you could use long strips of fruit roll-ups.

[Nikki Stone 1]

87. This is a real challenge. He might mistake the fruit roll-ups for water

And then he'd be fighting the entire hurricane from I-95

[TexasThoughtCriminal]

62. I made it real easy for him.

Brownie, put your mouse here and click.

[Nikki Stone 1]

63. You're assuming a 3rd grade reading level

Optimistic, I say

[Polemicist]

54. We South Carolinians thank you...

As a resident of Charleston, South Carolina, I am a bit conflicted as to the prospects of Federal assistance in the event Ophelia does strike our coast.

For I think the primary factor isn't Brownie being made aware of the storm. It can't hurt to make sure this idiot knows it exists, but I fear he knew about Katrina in advance.

I'm thinking we need to quickly hold a special election and replace our Democratic county council and Democratic Mayor with Republicans as soon as possible to have any chance of surviving the aftermath of the storm.

Federal help in the event of a disaster is primarily determined by the political party of the local officials, under King George the Blunderer's administration. A Florida GOP Governor equaled free Federal money for everybody in 2004.

Thankfully we have a Republican Governor, two Republican Senators, and a Republican Congressman to protect us. Unless these officials favor massive destruction as a great opportunity for a new faith based urban renewal project, as some Louisiana Republicans do.

[tanyev]

60. Good Luck, South Carolina!

I frequently wish I did not live in such a ruby red area of the country, but it may just be the safest place to be.

:toast:

[Spike from MN]

103. Since you're in Charleston, SC, if you want any aid, you might

want to thing about heading to Charleston, WV because that's where it will be sent. But don't worry. you have plenty of time as they won't send any aid until about 5 or 6 days after the hurricane has passed.

Good luck and I hope the hurricane misses you. Stay safe.

[PegDAC]

111. Hello?

I'll put my money on Mayor Joe and the Council (now that Kwadjo's gone) rather than Markie, DeMint, and Henry Brown ANY DAY of the week. }( :thumbsdown:

[goforit]

56. ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hats off to Tanyev!!!!!!!!!!!

:rofl:

[whistle]

59. That no hez yab no more!

[gollygee]

64. HAHA!! You should have cc'd CNN, Wash Post, etc.

:D

And I'm happy to tell you you're doing a heck of a job :)

gollygee
Concerned Citizen
City of Michigan

[tanyev]

65. Woo-hoo! Now that's what I wanted to hear!

Somehow makes it all worth it.

*sniff* *dabs away tears*

[brooklynite]

66. Dear Mr Tanyev...

That you for your letter. Your Natural Disaster is very important to us. Please continue to hold, and your letter will be answered in the order in which is was received...

[tanyev]

68. That's Ms. Tanyev.

Didn't you check my FBI file, Brownie? C'mon, I'm trying to help you, but you've got to do your part.


:evilgrin:

[triguy46]

67. No problem, plenty of time for another margarita!!! n/t

[bluedawg12]

70. GDubyaChair of Geography Award Winner! n/t

[omshanti]

72. hahahaha! Kicked

I tried to nominate your letter but it was too late :-(

Heck of a job there, tanyevie.

[tavalon]

73. That is snark perfection, my friend

Good on ya!

[tavalon]

74. May I borrow

I'll take your name off or not as you see fit. This is a piece of writing that deserves to become a meme. As well, I would recommend sending it asap to the South Carolina papers.

[tanyev]

89. Borrow away.

PM me if you want my real name.

[Goldensilence]

75. hmmm good but still needs something else

maybe a GOP art project that pairs them up to make maps of the US to refresh their memories?

[TankLV]

76. Hah! That was priceless.

Been thinking about it myself.

[holboz]

77. How funny - we should flood his inbox with these types of messages!

At least that he can't use the "no one predicted blah blah-dee-blah".

Love it!

[tanyev]

91. That's the spirit!

There's a link in the OP....

[justiceischeap]

78. Dear Mr. Bush, Ophelia's heading my way

Just wanted to give you a heads up that another hurricane could make landfall in a few days. She's headed my way and I just wanted you to be better prepared than last time. Maybe you should pass this on to Chertoff and Brownie as well, keep them in the loop.

Thank you.

My email to the White House.

[Nikki Stone 1]

85. Did you really send this?

B-)

[tanyev]

90. self-delete.

oopsie.

[justiceischeap]

94. Yes, I really sent it. n/t

[Dukkha]

79. Oh No! North Carolina's predominately White!

and not nearly as poor as Louisiana. Better call us ALL our reserves! Code Red!

[daveskilt]

80. you lost him at hurricane - 3 syllables you see

too many for these fuckwits

[savemefromdumbya]

81. Is the White House on high ground?

you never know......

[Mr_Jefferson_24]

82. Funny. nt.

[Mr_Jefferson_24]

83. Funny. nt.

[Whitehead]

84. IMPEACH now

IMPEACH NOW, before Die Bold has a chance to
destroy the next elections in 2006.

Gore WON in 2000 and look at the pain we've
suffered from not having a good paper trail
election process.

[Arkana]

86. *insert Peter Griffin laugh here*

That's both funny and very sad--because he'll claim that "no one anticipated the damage caused by the hurricane" once again if Ophelia turns out to be huge.

[tanyev]

88. HOLY CRAP! WHEN DID THIS MAKE IT ON THE FRONT PAGE??

:woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo::woohoo:

Thanks, everybody!

[i miss america]

95. Great job Tanyev

:yourock:

[argyl]

92. Funniest DU original since geniph's First They Came For Tinky Winky

In sidesplitting humor there is somber truth. Please send this on to any media outlet that you can contact. This is much too good to keep to ourselves.

[SunDrop23]

93. Wife and I were discussing Orphelia this morning...

She looked at me over her cup of coffee and said "we're gonna be screwed if it ends up being more than an afternoon shower."

Sad but true.

[Catbird]

96. Hint: Look for South of the Border

Look carefully for signs on I-95 advertising South of the Border. When you get to South of the Border, you will be in the city of South Carolina. The coast will be to your left.

If you somehow miss South of the Border and find yourself in Florida, you might as well wait there. There is likely to be another hurricane there soon. If not, there might be additional ice and snow damage.

[Teena]

97. CALL NOW!

Unhappy with the way things are going in the United States?
Launch a complaint. Let the Commander in Chief know you think
it’s time he and his cabinet stepped aside so that competent leaders
can begin to restore dignity, order, and progress to our nation.
The phone number for the White House is as follows:
[phone]

[Tight_rope]

98. LMBAO.....Crazy fool...Thanks for informing the idiots!

[yorkiemommie1]

99. Good Job !

n/t

[Be Brave]

100. OMG! Thanks for the laughs! That's a good one! n/t

[Nikki Stone 1]

101. Make sure Brownie knows that Ophelia looks big and scary

[Nikki Stone 1]

102. Is it just me, or does Ophelia look like the Virgin Mary with a

grilled cheese sandwich?

[Dangerously Amused]

107. ...

LOVE the letter!

Have one concern: Since FEMA and the Bush administration don't get real excited about "natural disasters" - I mean, after all, they're... natural, right? - maybe we could add a sense of urgency by using language they understand.

Maybe something like...

Dear Mr. Brown:

There is a TERRORIST whose codename is GOD, who has deployed WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION targeting South Carolina right this very moment! The WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION are cleverly disguised as 150 m.p.h. winds and pounding rain, which may spawn a third WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION, cleverly disguised as excessive amounts of WATER.

There is a grave danger that ARABIAN HORSES may be injured or even killed by these WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I urge you to call 911 and tell a responsible adult about these WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION immediately!

Sincerely...

[tanyev]

112. That's funny!

:applause:

Though now that Brownie has moved on to, uh, spend more time with his family, I guess the Arabian Horse reference won't resonate much with the new guy. New guy is apparently the one who recommended we buy duct tape and plastic sheeting. I'm sure you can work that in somehow. :)

[pepperlove]

108. I live here in eastern NC....

and it is so funny... boy howdy, the governor has already proclaimed us a disaster area, called a towen hall meeting for ALL mayors, councilmen, firemen, police etc... hahahaha... looks like somebody finally listened to America speak! They wanna be sure they do not get heralded as arseholes like the chiefest * of em all! HAHAHAH