Read *'s speech now, enjoy your evening later:

[jane_pippin]

I posted this elsewhere, but I'm feeling vain today so I'm giving it it's own thread. Here is what I predict Bush's speech will sound like:


Good Evening.

Weeks ago we watched a natrul disaster wreak havoc on the Golf Coast. Since then many agencies, volunteers, first responders, and good people across our country reached out to help those in need. When terra hit our shores on September the 11th it required a swift and effective emergency response. The fedrul and local guvmints mobilized to get help to folks in need, and I salute those brave firefighters, rescue workers, and other first responders who heeded that call.

The hurricane in New Orleans was one of the largest natrul disasters in histree. Like September the 11th, we hadda lot a folks in need and the fedrul govmint is still workin' hard to give them the help they need. And we're makin' progress, but there is still allotta hard work ahead.

Tonight I am announcing a program that will help folks in need get help. After 9/11 we hadda lot a people wondrin' what the future was gonna hold. The victims of hurricane Katrina are no different. In order to help the victims of hurricane Katrina, people displaced from their homes, and school districts, who are being taken in by families all across Amurka, the fedrul guvmint will provide each Katrina Family with a voucher, so their children can enter the school of their choice and get the education they deserve.

Like September the 11th, our nation has suffered from the devastating effects a katrina. Our economy has stayed strong during these tough weeks. That's why we gotta keep the tax cuts permanent. We must keep the ecomomy strong, and the tax cuts will help us do so.

I'm also announcing a major rebuilding effort. When the towers fell on September the 11ths, as we prepared to defend the homeland from terra, we were optimistic about the future of the site and confident in freedom and liberty. Today we are no different. We will rebuild New Orleans. Contracterrs are already workin' hard on plans for the future. The people of New Orleans and other devastated regions around the Golf Coast will have jobs, and homes to go to one day.

I'd like to thank all the folks who are still down there on the Golf Coast workin' hard to get life back to normal. 'Lectricity is comin' on, brush and debris is bein' cleared, and folks are once again entering the great City of New Orleans. I assure the Amurkin people we will rebuild, we will help those in need, and we will have a Golf Coast bigger and better than it ever was. Good night, and may God bless Amurka.



(note: clearly, this was written in BushSpeak. I actually do know how to spell.) And thanks to jobycom for inspiring me.

[Cocoa]

1. great job

I like the reference to clearing brush. :rofl:

[jane_pippin]

9. He speaks of what he knows.

And thanks!

[Patiod]

2. Thanks - now I can watch old tapes of Deadwood instead

I think Al Swearengen and Cy Tolliver are FAR better, more moral & honest folks than the Pretendisent.

[LEW]

3. Right on!

9-11, 9-11, New Orleans, 9-11, 9-11, 9-11, New Orleans

[otohara]

4. Thanks For Sparing Us The Pain

of listening to the lyin bastard

[jane_pippin]

6. Hey, I'm here to help. :)

[johnaries]

5. You forgot some...

"One thing these people need s hope, hope for the future. and the best wat to install, instill... give hope is by letting them put their Social Security mone into private accounts....."

[jane_pippin]

7. ooh, nice catch. n/t

[spuddonna]

8. LOL That's too realistic!

And you are right... definitely Bushspeak! :)

I did one a few nights ago, too... lemme see if I can find it... I'll give it a shameless second post! :)

Here it is:

Instead of the usual podium and presidential backdrop, the camera will cut to President Bush in casual wear - a cowboy hat, light shirt and jeans. He'll be standing over a downed tree in some area of NO with a chainsaw in hand, and he'll be clearing brush. After a few moments of seeing our leader in full action figure mode, he'll kill the chainsaw, and turn to the camera.

Bush: "My fellow 'Merukans, a horrible tragedy has occurred here in our country. Hurricane Corrina has devastated the city of Louisiana. It was a storm that no one ever could have imagined and never could have prevented. Tonight, I ask that we come together as a nation. Tonight, in the spirit of community, I ask you to help these poor people of New Orleans to rebuild immediately, because my mother doesn't want them livin' in Tex-as no more.

To stay the course on this huge task of rebuilding, I have taken personal responsibility... to clear all the brush in New Orleans. I've got the other President Bush and Clinton watching over this relocation situation, because after I'm done here in a few hours, my attention is going to be on the war that we launched late last night in Syria.

This many come as a shock to many of you. You may have read in the newspapers yesterday or heard on the Internets, that our Ambassador to Iraq clearly stated Tuesday "Our patience is running out with Syria". Well, last night at midnight, it done run out completely. The Vice President and I ordered tactical nuclear strikes against anything that moved near the Iraqi border. This is part of our ongoing mission to contain the terrorists there, in molten piles of glass, as opposed to here, in the good old US of A.

Now, I know some of you are saying, should we be running off to a new war, when we have such a catastrophe right here at home, and wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? The answer is, yes, we must do this because evil never sleeps, evil never eats, and it smells bad. We must be prepared to sacrifice in order to win this war on freedom, for freedom.

I also know that many of you are worried about the victims of Katrina, but I want to assure you they are being taken care of. Trent Lott's house is being rebuilt as we speak on a special no bid contract with KBR. Our former FEMA head, Mike Brown - I call him Brownie - just arrived among friends and family in Texas, and I'm lining up some choice executive positions for him asap.

We will win this war on terror, this struggle for freedom here, and abroad. May God bless the United States of America."

Cut back to the chainsaw being fired up.

Next up: Larry King interviews Mike Brown, former head of FEMA, live from Texas, to tell him what a great job he did the past two weeks!

[jane_pippin]

11. OMG-that's great!

"corrina" and the chainsaws--the whole thing--scary & hilarious!

:rofl:

[spuddonna]

13. Thanks!

I was hoping SOMEONE would see it! When I first posted it, I kept having to stop to help my kids with homework, and by the time I finished, the thread was dead!

Premature Thread Death... so sad! :)

BTW - My favorite part of yours was the "September the 11ths"- lol. That was dead on. Why does he DO that kinda stuff?! It's like he's got a mouthful of marbles when he's speaking and it's a PREPARED SPEECH!!! lol He must not read them ahead of time...

[despairing optimist]

10. Good work, but maybe add this somewhere:

I know, some of you may be wondering how we're all going to pay for this, what with the Global Struggle Against Violent Extremism and the rebuilding of Iraq and my plans, um, eye on Iran and all. Don't worry yourselves. We're just going to sell more Treasury bonds to the Chinese and Japanese, and we'll do it on Washington time while they're sleeping. Trust me, the bill will never come due. I never made a mistake of my own, now, have I?

[ChairmanAgnostic]

12. beautiful

I like clearing brush, and when brush needs clearin, I know what that means to people. I had EM PA THEEE, cause I feel their pains. So we have a large task to be ahead of us and we know what that is. Brush Clearing. Clear brush. That's important. It's hard. Hard work. Like clearin brush in Ewe-nytid Nashns. Lot's a brush to clear, and Boltie, he's doing a great jobs. And that's before the storm. We are gonna install democracy in the UN and in Iraq, because it is right and America deserves a democratic UN.

And the same goes for Iraq. Some in congress are playing another game there. a blame game. Iraq is blaming. We have had an election there where 8 anna haff millions people voted, meaning that the roots has taken in the middle east. And things is good and getting gooder. We now control 80% of Iraq and that is a success.

[Roland99]

14. GAH! I can hear his cackling voice in my head!

[DanCa]

15. Thanks for the translation

I can't undersstand chimp speak and i have a violent viceral reaction to the sight of the man or monkey.