Hilarious donation request from a fundie church

[jmowreader]

We're one of the biggest lumberyards in town, so naturally we get a lot of requests for donations. They're usually not huge--a Boy Scout troop wanted us to help them with lumber for a park bench. Things like that.

This one, however, took the cake. It was from a church, and they started off with a half-page description of their "mission." Imagine a Westboro Baptist Church that didn't stop at hating gays. This church is very certain that God is still smiting people, and they're in the business of finding people for Him to whack and ship to Hell. They're inclusive: gays, lesbians, Catholics, any man who "adopts the dress of womankind" (I think that means guys with pierced ears) and any woman who "adopts the dress of mankind" (ladies, put those pants in Goodwill or you're going to be slow-roasted)...basically, anyone who doesn't go to this church. Uhhh...it's not a good idea to ask a guy with pierced ears for donations after you tell him he's going to hell, m'kay?

Then they got to the point: Their minister needs a place to live, apparently, because they asked for enough building materials to construct a new minister's residence. Fuckers even had a list, man; they wanted 3000 square feet of shingles, appliances (range, fridge, microwave hood, washer-dryer, even an icemaker), lumber, everything. I ran the numbers just for the hell of it and came up with somewhere around $48,000 worth of stuff.

The worst part? "Because we shun possible Government control of our works, we have not and will not apply for IRS tax exempt status. Your generous donation to assist in our ministry, therefore, will not be tax deductible." Okay, let me get this straight: I'm supposed to go to my district manager and tell him we gave fifty grand worth of merchandise to the most bigoted church in the state of North Carolina and we can't even write it off our taxes?

I don't think anyone else is going to give them a free rectory, either.

[mcscajun]

1. That's a LTTE in the making, right there.

Such gall deserves a public airing.

[GreenPartyVoter]

2. Agreed

[auntAgonist]

4. yup send that to the LOCAL and state newspapers.

They won't need a new rectory, they'll need a new RECTUM.

:hi:

[wellstone_democrat]

3. We have a winner! (in the crazy sweepstakes)

I do like the icemaker request! Got to keep the holy cool lest they be reminded of the fires of hell!

And, I don't care how "right" your home office may be (if they are)---no tax write off is the kiss of death!

Thanks for sharing that---I needed a laugh

[patrice]

5. Those are Racists looking for other Racists.

That may be the real intent of such a dunn. I think they're also getting ready to move into the woods.

Let me guess what they think of Unions that include all races.

Solidarity!
jpcl

[jmowreader]

26. Well, black racists

The minister's first name is Tyrone. White people do not choose this name for their children.

[patrice]

29. Racists come in every color.

I say F--- Color.

Imagine All The People . . . .

Thank you Dr. King.

[EnfantTerrible]

30. That's a bit of a Racist statement...

Ever of heard of Tyrone Guthrie? Tyrone is actually a Celtic name... it's a county in North Ireland.

[jmowreader]

32. An old Southern gentleman once told me why black people have Celtic names

In my town you'll find a LOT of people named McLaurin. Nice Scottish name, right?

Most of the people named McLaurin are very dark-skinned blacks.

It seems that when Emancipation happened, and all the freed slaves suddenly needed last names (which apparently weren't common among slaves), the freedmen took their former masters' last names. This area was first settled by the Highland Scots, who apparently had no qualms about slaveholding, so obviously a lot of black people here are going to have Scottish names.

Translate that to the areas settled by the Irish who held slaves and you have a very high probability that any "classic" black name is going to also be a Celtic name.

[Kenroy]

6. Send him a nail

and tell him that's the best you could do.

[mongo]

13. Damn you're good....

:rofl:

Although wouldn't three nails and a couple of boards be more appropriate?

[ClintonTyree]

21. Maybe three nails.........

and one 4"X4"X12' beam and one 4"X4"X8' beam? Use your imagination.

[jmowreader]

27. No, no, not 4x4s...

Dude, if you're gonna give someone a free cross to dangle the guy who has More Balls Than Anyone In Fayetteville, at least set it up right, okay?

A proper materials list for a cross on which to perform a Real Crucifixion...

6x6-8 - 1 each
6x6-16 - 1 each
80-pound General Purpose Concrete - probably 42 bags
Dado cutter - 1 each
Construction adhesive - 1 tube
60-penny nails - 3 each

[Infomaniac]

24. Three nails and a couple of boards?

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl::rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl::rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Thanks for the laugh.

[yorkiemommie1]

7. pretty self-righteous

aren't the rightwingers?

[LiberalFighter]

8. I would save that document and find out if any other business received...

any requests from the church.

I hope you also sent a copy to your headquarters. Provided they are not inclined to donate to the church.

[mongo]

9. Can I have 2 million board feet of treated 2X6 lumber?

I'm building a stairway to heaven...

[IndyJones]

10. Doesn't sound very legit to me. Tell them that unless they

are recognized as a tax exempt status charity, they can kiss your hell burning arse.

[ClintonTyree]

23. Then they'd have to pay the taxes on the value........

of all the extor...er...DONATED items, correct? Maybe, just maybe the IRS would like to know about these folks. If they haven't paid taxes on the congregations' tithes there might be a small problem here.

[supernova]

11. Let me know when they start sacrificing goats

:rofl:

:wtf:

THe only problem with living in the woods, is it really brings crazy people *out* of the woodwork.

[dogday]

12. As the Republicans put it--You are on your own!

:rofl:

[Sabriel]

14. Tell him to stick it up his rectory

And give him a coupon for a free piercing.

[Vinnie From Indy]

15. Send them an enema bag

Mention that in any building project the process must start at the beginning.

[Occulus]

16. You should send them

A few iron spikes and several feet of head-size-looped barbed wire, along with a note saying, "You should probably start with these."

[ClintonTyree]

17. Pretty brazen if you ask me............

and I think they have about a snowball's chance in hell of extorting these materials from anyone.
Can you believe the brass of these "people of god"? :wtf:
Screw 'em. Their humble minister will just have to follow the example of their christ and live wherever he can find shelter among his followers.
Unfuckingbelievable!

[jmowreader]

28. You know what the funny thing is?

People actually give these churches stuff!

There are, IIRC, four churches in Fayetteville who don't have tax-exempt status because they figure that if they fill out the form, the government will come in and tell them they're no longer allowed to teach the Bible in church.

(Yes, Bush is still in the White House. He has called off the Fundie Fighting Goon Squad the godless Bill Clinton erected.)

Now understand, normally it's little stuff. Sam's gets asked for food on a semi-regular basis, Wal-Mart gets hit up for baby diapers, and so on.

In reality, the church isn't THAT bad. The people who go there aren't evil, nor is their minister. But come on, folks, I'm not giving them a free house no matter how nice they are.

[raysr]

18. Do it for the BFEE

[Ready4Change]

19. A "Church"? Not Tax Exempt?

That's not a church. That's a business.

[Rowdyboy]

20. How about a doormat that says "Got Beer?" or "House of Brews"

http://www.designerdoormats.com/default.php?cPath=244

I'll even pitch in!

[lectrobyte]

22. North Carolina? Isn't that about every other church here? Name names.

I'm still pissed about my neighborhood Ba'tist church and their "With God standing with us, who can stand against us?" sign they ran for the Iraq invasion in 2003.

[Infomaniac]

25. Only about a few million people claiming...

their God stands with them. Idiots.

[Corgigal]

31. Write them back and tell them you are

unable to assist at this time but you will pray for them.

It will be a burn, but it's what churches tell their flock daily.