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Poll numbers tanking, war going badly, deficit exploding....problem, problems for our President. What to do? Well, here's one answer. Take a look at a Presidential Press Briefing of the Future:
Scott McClellan (aka S&M): “Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I have a statement and then I’ll be happy to take your questions. As you know these are trying times for all of America and as such the President has decided that due to the hard work and hard decisions that this President will decisively make, a bold change is in order. Having made that decision, The President is confident that the American People will understand and enthusiastically support this change.
Because of the difficulties facing us today, the President has decided that in order to make these decisions, the flow of information between the President and his advisors must be made, as the American People will recognize in these times of Terror, more secure.
This administration has had a long history of making sure that the premature release of information and the Presidential decision making process, which is through, complete and freely open to all advisors, remain out of the public sphere. Information of this type, and I think all of us can agree, can give away America’s future moves in the War on Terror and thus embolden America’s enemies.
Therefore, as of today and continuing for the rest of this President’s term, I will be answering only questions concerning the President’s movements, and I have a compendium of those movements to bring you up to date:
Sunday: Hanging, Loose.
Monday: Nothing.
Tuesday: Nothing.
Wednesday: Good one, Some Blood
Now I will be happy to take some of your questions, David?”
DG (GEMSNBC): “Scott, are you saying that’s all you’ll talk about? What Iraq? What about the president’s poll numbers and what about the plight of the storm victims?”
S&M: “David, as you well know that while this President has never paid attention to poll numbers, he nonetheless knows the level of interest of the American People in these issues and therefore has decided that he will dedicate all his time working out these problems, as I think the compendium shows. Ken?”
KH (MMNews): “Scott, don’t the American People deserve an open and honest discussion of these issues? Surely, you can’t be serious here?”
S&M: “Ken, we are very serious here. By presenting a synopsis of the President’s movements, we are informing them thru you, of the effort the President is putting into solving the problems America faces while at the same time avoiding informing the enemies of America. In fact, a close examination of the compendium would reveal that the President spent considerable time, after relaxing on Sunday, working hard on both Monday and Tuesday, with moderate success on Wednesday. Helen?”
HT (FeistyNews): “Scottie, are you saying that from now on, you’ll only comment on the president’s BOWEL movements?!!!!”
S&M: “Exactly”
HT (FeistyNews): “So all you’re giving us is Shit?”
S&M: “Exactly, Helen. As you know the President is a Christian man and as such strongly believes that it is more blessed to give than receive. He particularly believes this true when it comes to his press relations. Carl?”
CC(FauxNews): “Scott, can you tell me about any future plans to visit the latest storm victims, and what about the blood?”
S&M: “Carl, I’m afraid all I can comment on is the President’s movements; however I can say that the doctors were not at all concerned with Wednesday’s results. Thank you all, ladies and gentlemen.”
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