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I know that we have spent a large amount of time wanting and wishing for the president and this administration to be impeached, rightfully so. So I was thinking today that being the nice person that I am, I would help these fine folks in this administration find other positions that might be suitably fit for them when they are no longer employed by the US Gov.
(except for being taken away in handcuffs, of course)
My first choice, since he hasn't gotten his current job yet, would be for Mr. Roberts. There is currently a position opened by the untimely death of their last employee and I believe that you would fill the position quite nicely. I am sending you an application for the new series we previously called Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. We have a cardigan sweater and a pair of tennis shoes in your size waiting. We will now title it Mr. Roberts Neighborhood on your behalf, and they would expect you to learn the song "It's A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood." For those days that you call in sick, we are asking Mr. Santorum to take your place. Perfect employment for both, don’t you think?
Keeping with that same line of employment careers, and not forgetting you Mr. Bolton, currently in progress, due to the Intelligent Design committee being newly formed, we are bringing back the old series, with a new 21st century twist, entitled the "New Kaptain Kangaroo" show. We would like you to take the position as soon as they throw you out on your hind end from your current U.N. position. E-mail me for the application.
I have also taken care of you Mr. Rumsfeld. A good ole boy friend of mine owns a construction company and would love to have you join his crew. The position is only for the destruction department in this company, so you need not learn anything new. No resume needed on your behalf, you have decades of experience of some of the best darn destruction we have seen in years. This is probably in your favor since we have all witnessed your inability to rebuild anything that you destroy. I'll have him contact you immediately.
Also not to be forgotten, Ms. Condi Rice I have thought long and hard for what position might suitably fit your bulldog face and demeanor. I have contacted Saks Fifth Ave and they have assured me that the position is available when you are ready. I think since you have spent an abundant amount of time on your knees in the last 5 years, doing what you do best. It’s probably the reason why you have your current position. Being the kind of person you are, this job will make you feel right at home. There is currently a position open for shoes sale person at Saks. Due to your love of shoes and being on your knees so much, you would be a natural for this job. Also, please E-mail me for details.
Mr. Cheney, since you now own half the corporation money in the world due to your past employment with Halliburton, there will be no job necessary for you to fill. But I have contacted a really good heart surgeon friend of mine who is currently working on the discovery of a steel heart that will keep you alive for a million years. God knows you will have to stay alive that long to spend the amount of money that you have made from your current position. My friend is standing by for your call, but would like to warn you that the cost will be extremely high. I'm sure you can handle that, Dick. (By the way, your mom definitely gave you the right name.)
And last but not least, George I haven't forgotten about you. I have the perfect job that is waiting and desperately in need of your services. There are no decision making skills needed, nor does your past employment matter. You have supported this company that many say feels like a regime when working there, so you would feel right at home. I have called and secured you the position of a greeter at Wal-Mart. They were more then happy to hear about you wanting a job with them and said if you are really motivated they may make you a manager someday. The pay is minimum wage, but since it never really mattered to you about people that made it, I'm sure you will be able to support your wife and kids with it. There isn't really any health care that they offer, but that has never been a concern of yours either. Greeting people with that wonderful "shit eating" grin that you display so famously will be a tremendous asset. Warning, you may not flip off any of the patrons though, for this would be cause for immediate dismissal. Please contact me for more information.
Help me folks, won't you please help me to find these poor people some jobs? These were the only ones that I could think of, there are so many more that will need them in the coming months. What suggestions do you have?
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