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Edited on Sat Sep-24-05 09:14 PM by joemurphy
President George W. Bush
The White House
Washington, DC 20502
Re: Your Drinking
Dear President Bush:
I am a long-time Republican voter and a big fan of both you and your wife, Laura Bush. A few days ago, I was going through the checkout line in my local supermarket and I noticed an article about you in one of my favorite magazines, The National Enquirer. For some reason, they always have copies of The National Enquirer in the checkout lines of grocery stores here in Indiana. I managed to read the article while waiting my turn in line. I always seem to get in the slowest lines when I shop. Does that ever happen to you?
Anyway, the article said that due to all the trouble you had with Katrina you had started drinking again. In fact, it said that you had just poured yourself a “Texas-sized” shot of bourbon when Laura walked in a caught you, saying: “No, George, no!”
I don’t believe everything I read in The National Enquirer. But this article said it was based on statements from reliable White House sources. When I read that, I knew that it must have been Karl Rove. Karl Rove never leaks anything to the press unless it’s for your own good, so I figured that you were in denial about your drinking and Karl was trying to get you to realize you needed help.
Well, reading what had happened and Laura’s anguish on learning about the Texas-sized shot you were drinking really got to me. It reminded me of an old movie I once saw – “Days of Wine and Roses”. Maybe you’ve seen it too. Jack Lemon and Lee Remick were in it. It won an Oscar. Anyway, reading that article made me feel really sad –just the way Jack Lemon made me feel in the movie. Alcoholism is nothing to sneeze at. It wrecked Jack Lemon’s life in that movie.
Of course, I’m not an alcoholic myself. However, one of my relatives – my uncle Bela Toth – used to drink a couple of bottles of tokay every day. (Tokay’s a sweet Hungarian wine. I sometime have a glass of it myself after work. I like it better than bourbon, personally. But hey, I’m Hungarian. As Sly and the Family Stone say, “different strokes for different folks.” ). Bela was in denial too. We all told him he drank too much but he would never listen. He was really bad on holidays. One Christmas he took his Hungarian army hussar’s pistol out and started shooting the lights off of the Christmas tree in his living room. It ruined Christmas for everyone. It was only after that episode that Bela realized he had a problem.
Which brings me to the point of this letter. If you are drinking Texas-sized shots of bourbon behind Laura’s back, and Laura and Karl are trying to tell you that you have a problem, you should stop and listen! These are just a few of the tell-tale signs of alcoholism. Think about it. Didn’t you fall off your bicycle recently? Didn’t you almost choke to death once on your couch while trying to eat a pretzel? Haven’t you been slurring your words and speaking incoherently to the American public for a long time? Didn’t Karl Rove have to wire you up and whisper advice to you during your debates with Kerry? Haven’t you been really moody lately and snappy with your aides when they keep bringing you bad news?
Get my point? These are all signs of alcoholism. You’ve been in denial. But don’t worry about it too much. Recognizing you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Do what my uncle Bela did – get to an AA Meeting ASAP!! They know how to deal with booze. Laura and the kids will bless you for it.
If Alcoholics Anonymous isn’t anonymous enough for you, you might check into the Betty Ford Clinic. She was another famous Republican alcoholic. See, you aren’t alone! Don’t let your alcoholic thinking deter you from what you know needs to be done.
Except for your alcoholism, I think you are doing a great job in Washington. The main thing is to just stay sober. Don’t let stuff like hurricanes get you down. One day at a time and the Serenity Prayer helped my uncle Bela. I’ll bet they’d help you too.
Your friend,
Lazlo Toth
Voting for Republicans (both indicted and unindicted) since 1952!
(Inspired by Don Novello’s Lazlo Toth Letters)
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