Homeland Security warns against smuggled ... pressure cookers!

[Newsjock]

Missed the cutoff for LBN, so here it is:
http://www.knoxstudio.com/shns/story.cfm?pk=WASHCALL-09-23-05&cat=WW

By LANCE GAY
Scripps Howard News Service
September 23, 2005

WASHINGTON - Is your mother's kitchen harboring a terrorist device?

In an information bulletin marked "for official use only," the Department of Homeland Security warns that terrorists might be plotting to turn kitchen pressure cookers into homemade bombs. The three-page memo alerts border security guards to be on the watch for people trying to smuggle pressure cookers into the United States.

The memo was obtained by military analyst William Arkin. A year ago, the government published a secret report on how terrorists might exploit a hurricane.

[silverweb]

1. OMG...

Will the stupidity never end???

:banghead:

[HeeBGBz]

30. Let me load up me tater gun

I'll be launching some spud missles.

[Turbineguy]

2. Mashed potatoes

all over the kitchen ceiling! Call Chertoff!

[The Backlash Cometh]

3. Next they'll be telling us that our microwaves and computer screens

emit radiation.

oh, oops!

[LiberalEsto]

4. I worry at night about high-speed flying sauerkraut

exploding from one of those deadly devices.
Is there no depravity to which these monsters will not stoop?

[ChairmanAgnostic]

27. I worry about the spaghetti monster, myself. meatballs, in particular.

those heathen non-believers are even in worse trouble.

[LiberalEsto]

37. The Spaghetti Monster is GOOD

She loves us.

Sauerkraut BAD, Spaghetti Monster GOOD.

[ChairmanAgnostic]

42. but what of sausage?

don't meatballs get jealous?

[LiberalEsto]

47. Sausage isn't the problem. It's the Pesto Heresy

that I worry about.

I mean, how can you have meatballs or sausage with a green sauce?

[The Animator]

5. But why would you need to smuggle them?

I mean, can't you just buy a pressure cooker in a store? Bin Laden is worth billions, he can't front the money for a few of his followers to purchase new pressure cookers once inside the United States?

I'm reminded of the guy who tried to get the security deposit back on the rental truck after the first WTC bombing.

[petronius]

6. "Smuggled" pressure cookers?

Are they not aware that you can buy pressure cookers right here in the U.S.?

[Spazito]

7. I am finally speechless, virtually speaking, except for

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[patdem]

8. Pressure Cookers do not kill people..the fire UNDER the Pressure

Cookers kill people...A pressure cooker is NOT a pressure cooker without fire underneath to CREATE the pressure...beware of terrorists trying to smuggle stove tops into the country...THEY are MORE dangerous? Are these people insane or am I...cause I REALLY want to do a REALITY check here!

[KatyaR]

19. Please remember, these are the same people who said to beware of

people carrying almanacs.

My god, is there no place we can be safe anymore? </snark>

[CornField]

25. Almanacs?!? Surely you are kidding... tell me you are kidding...

People with almanacs... that's about 90% of Iowa.

[Art_from_Ark]

29. Read this and weep-- or laugh

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2003/12/29/national1426EST0580.DTL&type=printable

[ohio_liberal]

43. OMG!

My grandmother is a terrorist! She's had almanacs out in the open for the last 40 years. :scared:

[PurgedVoter]

9. This sounds made up.

Our security forces can't be that stupid. Next thing you will tell me is that they think nail clippers are a dangerous weapon that should not be allowed by the public on planes. If our government was that stupid it would be obvious. (sarcasm on full power)

[Trillo]

10. campaign contributions

One of the corporate GOP contributors could own the rights to sell pressure cookers in the U.S. Perhaps the contributor wishes to insure that their importation of the cookers is exclusive, so DHS is assisting?

[China_cat]

11. My grandmother, while drunk,

tried pressure cooking spaghetti and passed out before it was 'done'. Took 2 weeks to clean the kitchen and was a good thing nobody was there when it went off.

[Akoto]

17. LOL!

Yes, they do tend to make a rather large mess when you leave them unattended. Make good food, though. :D

[formercia]

46. Beans on the ceiling

is what you get if you take off the pressure relief weight too soon. God forbid they should smuggle in those special pressure cookers reserved for high party officials.

[hvn_nbr_2]

12. Pressure cookers don't commit terrorism. People commit terrorism.

Or something like that.

[neebob]

13. What - they can't just buy pressure cookers here?

They have to smuggle them in? Hello!

[B3Nut]

41. Heck, you can get 'em at Goodwill!

Thrift Stores of Mass Destruction! My late grandfather had a thing for collecting Goodwill cookware and coffeemakers...he had several pressure cookers, dozens of electric frypans, and 43 drip coffeemakers, and I don't even want to guess how many percolators. Good thing Grandma had all that crap cleared out...I'd hate to see Grandma sent to Gitmo!

I don't think anyone's gonna smuggle a pressure cooker bomb in. Next thing you know, DHS is going to be going after those old Presto Hot Dogger hot-dog cookers... :D

Todd in Beerbratistan

[jayctravis]

14. KFC uses pressure cookers.

So would that be...Chicken of Mass Destruction? CMD?

[yorkiemommie1]

15. so how many agents get assigned to monitor the shopping channels?

and patrol the aisles of WalMart?

[Akoto]

16. Instructions on how to react to this threat.

Be advised that you may be harboring a terrorist threat if you find one of these in your home:



Please phone your local authorities if you see this man in the vicinity:



We have also ascertained that this individual may be his accomplice:



In the meantime, you may protect yourself by purchasing this:



Thank you for your cooperation!

[atommom]

18. Thank goodness we have our gubmint to protect us!

:patriot: :spray: :rofl:

(But really, shouldn't they be doing a house-to-house search? These deadly weapons can be purchased anywhere!)

[Skidmore]

20. Have you ever wondered if these people have read too many

spy novels or seen too many really bad movies? Wonder how they come up with this stuff? Do they have some little group of antisocial dweebs sitting in a basement somewhere trying to figure out how they would destroy the world as we know it?

Oh yeah, they do. AEI and PNAC.

[Rex]

21. It was a typo by the DHS, they mean snuggle not smuggle.

That pressure cooker snuggling is at an all time highs Is tells yas! Why just the other day I saw my neighbor, OUTSIDE IN BROAD DAYLIGHT, snuggling a pressure cooker! Since we all know how the terrorists plan to win by snuggling rogue pressure cookers, I called the DHS and watched them beat her up for a good 3 hours. Thanks Gawd for the DHS!

Remember what Stoogie the Frog says kids, "only you can prevent people from snuggling pressure cookers."

[ohio_liberal]

22. Department of Homeland Security

Protecting you from tender meats since 2001.

:D

[Deb]

23. I do canning using the water bath method

Thank God, the pressure cooker is used for pot roast dinners. Am I still safe?

:rofl:

[kestrel91316]

32. I gotcha beat! I not only water bath can, but I pressure can, using

(drumroll) a pressure canner. This puppy is way bigger than a measly pressure cooker. I think it must be the hydrogen bomb of WKD's (Weapons of Kitchen Destruction). Though I have managed to avoid blowing it up.

I wonder if my phones have been tapped or maybe the DHS has come into my home while I am at work to snoop. Maybe I should get a hidden video camera to train on my kitchen. Amd maybe I should take my two cats to Schutzhund training in Munich.

[Lochloosa]

40. I have notified the proper authorities

[silverweb]

24. Thank you, thank you...

I just feel so much safer now, Department of Homeland Stupidity!

:crazy:

[Lars39]

26. Percy and his damn leaky cauldrons!!!!

:rofl:

[SillyGoose]

28. Oh no! There's a pressure cooker in my pantry. Off to Gitmo for me.

I also like the last sentence....

A year ago, the government published a secret report on how terrorists might exploit a hurricane.

No further explanation for that little gem.

Just what in the heck are these Homeland Security people smoking in Washington??

[Ioo]

31. SO let me understand this, Smuggle in, Not buy them at WalMart?

Umm, I was just there, there was a whole row of them...

[Ioo]

33. I found one at Wal-Mart (look here)

[Rex]

34. Quick, alert the DHS!

I see OBL making a pot roast with those little carrots and potatoes! I sign of evil!

[titoresque]

35. There goes Thanksgiving.....

:banghead:

[rbajai]

36. Who uses pressure cookers anymore anyways?

And what do you cook in them?

[ohio_liberal]

38. I do

You can cook an inexpensive beef roast that would otherwise be tough and chewy in less than a half hour. Pressure cookers are an awesome kitchen tool.

[JPZenger]

39. Terrorists Posing as Homeless People

There were also some warnings that terrorists may pose as homeless people. The idea is that they could "blend in the scenery" in the center of major U.S. cities - everyone would just look the other way. They also could carry a backpack (or a shopping cart) that could be full of explosives without creating suspicion.

[ikri]

44. Is homeland security being run by..

Andrew Marlatt from SatireWire.com?

I wouldn't ask, but this story is disturbingly similar to a 3-year old article: U.S. "GROSSLY UNPREPARED" FOR UNLIKELY THREATS

[Solly Mack]

45. I'm gonna have to put that warning in the "crock" pot

[dogday]

48. My Mom blew up a pot of pinto beans in a pressure

cooker. They landed on the roof and then just starting falling, one by one. It was a mess.....